We’ve not had sex in over a year

[Slavetolove]

Me and my husband have been together since 2014. Married in 2019. We have a 5 year old and 2 from a previous relationship.

we had an “ok” sex life up until covid hit and the kids were at home Al the time. Before covid we would have sex in the day.

it went 6 months then another 6 months.

iv just looked on my period tracker and we haven’t had sex since 12th may last year.

i feel like absolute shit. I have zero confidence and just generally feel depressed. I have tried everything, sexy undies, flirting, touching him, sexting, taking him out for dinner etc. nothing. He turns me down.

we are going away next week for a night in Manchester to see a band. If we don’t have sex I generally think I’m going to leave.

So you want sex but he doesn't?
Has he explained why?

That's a long time.
Did something happen

Unfortunately I don’t think there is much you can really do, if he doesn’t want sex, then he doesn’t want sex, no amount dressing up or sexting will change that ( and TBH it sounds like you might be a slight sex pest)

also I think that the generally accepted premise that men are always up for sex is just not true

Definitely confront him about it. Would you be prepared to end your marriage over it or would he be happy to accept you going elsewhere?

My DH went all weird about sex about 10 years ago and he could never explain why.

A sex pest? Because I haven’t had sex with my HUSBAND in a year? lol

i think someone saying you are a sex pest is maybe a bit strong, but if you reversed the genders and was a man saying he had bought his wife underwear and taken her to dinner and been sexting / touching etc to get her to have sex with him, he certainly would be called a sex pest (and much worse).

My would guess he is hiding ED or has lower than expected T levels for some one of his age, or is depressed or just doesn’t like sex much, or the more difficult answer, he doesn’t like sex with you much

You're not a sex pest for wanting sex with your husband. You can't make him do it if he doesn't want to but he doesn't get to put an end to your sex life. If you can't work it out together, leave.

Could he be gay?

You haven't said anything about why he didn't want sex, just that he turns you down. Have you spoken about it? Does he know how upset you are? Does he know how close you are to leaving him?

Was it your DH that gave you herpes from your other thread OP?

What are your intimacy levels like generally? Do you hold hands? Kiss and cuddle on the sofa? Touch each other as you pass..?

It might be worth re-connecting with that kind of stuff first before moving onto sexual intimacy... Perhaps share a bath (or hot tub if you're away). Give each other a massage. Not with the intention of sex, just to reacquaint with each other's bodies again.

Ultimately it takes effort from both of you. Dull as it sounds, book some regular time to do something relaxing together. And talk to him... ask him why his libido seems to have disappeared. Tell him how you feel. Bottling it up only makes things worse.

Don’t pin everything on this one night and decide that you’re definitely leaving if sex doesn’t happen. I personally find massage really erotic, especially if I’m wearing nice undies, low lighting, got some nice music on, all the usual. Maybe you could do that when you arrive in the room, before dinner/the band. Then make sure you don’t get too hammered and have lots of hugs and hand holding whilst you’re out, hopefully leading up to a bottle of wine back in the room and…who knows. I think you’ve got this but possibly not next week. Have you considered marriage counselling?

Just to say OP that I share your frustration. It’s nearly 12 months since DH and I last had sex… actually make that any sexual interaction!! And before that it was about 9 months, as all intimacy seem to stop at 3 months pregnant! It’s been like living with a cousin.

He has had zero percent interest. I think because I’ve been bigger (fatter) than I was 🤦🏼‍♀️I put on 4 stone with my pregnancy and now I’ve stopped breastfeeding I’ve lost 3.5 stone of that with a few more lbs to go. He’s now showing interest again. My mind has friend zoned him though!! It feels weird and inappropriate somehow to now be intimate and actually I’m quite pissed off as I know deep down how fickle he has been and how unattractive it’s made me feel.

I could imagine being intimate with someone else, but just couldn’t imagine being openly naked with my DH again!

Don’t place too many expectations on your night away. Fingers crossed it goes the way you want!!