Where on earth can I find a FWB?

[Pythian]

I've been trying on Fabswingers and it's been hopeless. I think most of the men on there think it's a sort of low-effort Tinder where they don't even have to make the most cursory of efforts before they get to have sex with you.

The main issue is that I'm insisting on having a social meeting before it goes any further, and once men realise that I actually mean it, they ghost me. I am quite sensitive to getting the ick, so if I meet a guy and decide that I don't want to sleep with him, I would rather be in a public place when I say no. Do these men realise on some level that saying no is much harder if you're in a private place, or can they just not be bothered to do the minimum before they get a shag?

It's really getting me down. Are there any better options for finding a decent, respectful man to be a FWB?

I found mine here

www.plentymorenaughtyfish.com/

You have to weed through the dross, but I found 2 wonderful FWB on there. 1, i had a couple of social meets first before going back to his on the third meet. Lasted over 18 months. Charming professional who I got on really well with. He even turned up with strawberries and prosecco (in a cool bag!) for our second meet.

The other I first met socially for dinner. We were really into each other, so he drove back to mine for the night. Saw him for over a year. Really respectful professional guy who was amazing in bed!

Met up with a few other guys for a social meet from the site. 1 was a walk and drink. Didn't do it for me, so that was all. Another was dinner. We then booked a hotel for our next meet up. The hotel made me realise how boring he was. Another, we met in central London for drinks. Ended up booking a hotel at the pub. Lots of similar stories to this.

All professional guys I met. The beauty of that site is that everyone knows why you're on that site. You get the smutty letchy messages, or the dick pic profiles, which I just put straight on block. All the guys I met with irl had polite openers and could hold a conversation. We then moved onto Kik to chat more and share pics. This is where I weeded several guys out, as I got more of a sense of what they were like. If we got on well, then we'd arrange a social meet. Never ever arranged to meet for sex. If it happened, it happened. But we both met on the agreement it was social only.

That site is full of men and hardly any women. They pay to be a member, women don't. It's definitely worth a try. You've got nothing to lose, put it that way.

Make your profile picture sexy, but not sexual. The less graphic the picture, the more you'll attract the guy you're looking for. My pic was my thighs in a mid thigh length skirt. Not the full legs spread/boobs out which I was informed a lot of women used, and my lack of was what made me catch the men's eye.

I never made first contact with a man on there, they all came to me...

Enjoy!

You can use any dating site to find a FWB - I found both of mine through "nornal" on-line dating sites.

Just be clear what you are looking for in your profile - I'm sure you will have no end of candidates!

As for Fab - I always insist on a social first. I'm not interested in being intimiate with someone unless there is some sort of chemistry / connection / mutual attraction.

My profile was very clear, and I did have a lot of offers, but they all seemed to be dependent on my not wanting to do any sort of vetting. Many of them would keep ignoring my mentions of a social and suggesting dates for when they could pop round to mine/asking for nudes when I'd been clear that I don't send them.

Being completely frank, is this likely to be because I'm 43 and overweight? Am I seen as low-value and not worthy of basic niceties? I keep seeing this idea everywhere that women can get sex whenever they want, and the fact that I apparently can't is making me feel completely shit tbh.

@Pythian "is this likely to be because I'm 43 and overweight? Am I seen as low-value and not worthy of basic niceties?"

Firstly, long-distance virtual hugs. It sounds like you've been through it...

Don't despair.

Dating of any sort is a minefield, and it can sometimes feel like the whole world is against you - try being a single guy just about to turn 60... It ain't easy. You will need to grow a thick skin...

You are who and what you are - own it, and don't let anyone else tell you differently.

43 isn't anywhere near old, and one person’s overweight is another person’s cuddly - you just need to find that person.

Please don't take things you've had in messages on Fab to heart - they don't know you. You arent at all "low value", and of course you are worthy of much more than basic niceties.

A lot of guys on Fab are just out for a shag, and don't / won't care who they upset or what they do to get one, but there are genuine people on there (hopefully, I'm one) that are looking for more.

"I keep seeing this idea everywhere that women can get sex whenever they want".

imho, its much much easier for a woman to have casual sex than a man. You don't (seem to) want casual sex, you want a FWB, which, to my mind is someone to do things with outside the bedroom as well as inside. This is much harder to find - you need someone that you have things in common with, who also makes you want to rip their clothes off, and wants the same thing....

"the fact that I apparently can't is making me feel completely shit tbh"

I completely get this. I'm being very open & honest on a public forum here, but when I first was single (after 10 years in a sexless, passionless intimacy less marriage), I just wanted to get laid. I went out dating with completely the wrong mind set / intent and got nowhere - I'm pretty sure women smelt my desperation!

I had to completely change my approach / mindset / intent. It still took time, but I started having much better dates, and eventually found my first (what some would call cuddly) FWB.

More long-distance virtual hugs.

Fab is my go to for FWB. It takes a lot of sifting, but there are some pearls among them.
I make sure I only speak to blokes whose profiles reference knowing how to give women what they enjoy (rather than just 'I feel horny who wants it' comments).
I don't do dating sites for FWB because you might end up with a nice bloke to talk to who is TERRIBLE in bed.

I also insist on social meets first and won't meet anyone who tries to push it.
State clearly what you want on your profile and filter the rest.

Im surprised that a potential FWB isn't interested in a meet first. If they're not, and are just interested in meeting for sex, then that's not on you, it's definitely them wanting casual sex and not actually a FWB.

I found its a lot of work to find a fwb.
Having casual sex, as in just meeting for sex, is easy to get. You could easily get that too as you've said- these men asking to come round for sex. So if it was just sex you want- you could get it, as you've had offers.

But that's not what you want. You want a fwb. A connection with someone. A friend. There are guys out there, but it's tiring and disheartened wading through to find them. But it's really not you, your age or your weight at all that's the issue.

there are lot's of nice blokes out there who would love to build a long term fwb type relationship .from experience I think the key to is to be open and honest up front .it can be very awkward if neither person knows what is really going on , you tend to go down the full relationship route and get bored if the intimacy is not happening.with fab and pof just be clear upfront and word your profile in a way that is obvious

The genuine people on fab will be fine (prefer even) a social meet before expecting anything else. You just need to filter through all the dross first. Anyone that just wants to meet for a 'blind' shag clearly has no self respect nor respect for others, and are not going to make a good fwb anyway.

Some men think that because it's a swingers site they don't need to put in any effort at all. They probably end up on adultwork instead eventually.

Them not wanting to meet in a public place will have nothing to do with your looks/weight. More likely they are married and don’t want to get caught. If you want a genuine relationship/FWB and not just casual hookups I think a normal dating site might be a better bet.

Fab is mainly a swinging community, so most people are looking for casual sex, with very little in the way of social interaction beforehand. There are people on Fab who are looking for regular meets with one person, but they are in the minority. I always look for women who don't have the swinging interests listed on their profile (Adult Parties, Dogging, Same Room Swapping etc.). I suggest that you do the same when looking for men if you want to find someone for regular meets. Non-swinging people are much more likely to want a social meet first, because they have a longer term view of having regular meets. The only problem is that there's no easy way to filter or search specifically for those people, so you're going to have to look in every profile to see what they've listed as their interests.

I think Fabswingers is not what it used to be even a couple of years ago. The number of men who are on there for very casual meetups with just women seems to me to be much larger than the ones who are genuinely up for swinging. I don't often see profiles where they've even changed the default settings, i.e. they've pretty much ticked all the boxes for what they're into and it still says they're looking for women aged 18-99. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't want to get involved in a cuckolding scenario with a couple in their 90s if you actually asked them, but they don't want to be ruled out of any searches...

@Pythian Maybe you need to change your approach slightly,

Im a man with 2 female FWBs, but I just put my profile up and let them contact me, I have no dick pics, nothing suggestive in the text, just what Im looking for and what I expect from someone .

both my FWBs are older than you and both are a bit overweight, as well and both like sex ( quite a lot), we meet, have a meal, go to a hotel and have a good time., try messaging guys with pretty dull pictures, you might find someone nice.

my newest FWB contacted me for that very reason, we are in different parts of the country, meet up every few months and have a great time, then go our own ways again.

good luck ,

I've met a number of lovely FWB over the years on there. I guess I'm a bit different too. No c... pics. I like doing nice things away from the bedroom. Days out. Weekends away. There is more to life than sex.

I started my FWB journey on normal dating sites, my initial go to was Okcupid.
I made sure to put in my bio that I was looking for fun. I found a long term FWB on there, we saw each other for 14 months plus I saw others, some were one offs, some were more.
I eventually went on Fab, I got 700+ messages in just a few hours and my photos weren't even that great.
If someone messaged who had 18-99 on their profile I'd tell them I didn't like men who slept with 99yr old women😂

You do have to weed through the not single people but its not too difficult.
Read the forums and see if there are any group social meets near you.

I found a great FWB on there within my first week, lived only 5miles away and I popped in regularly on my way to work each day, eventually we got into a relationship...not what either of us thought would happen.

Mine was an old school friend that I reconnected with through Facebook

I think it's just not meant to be. I have a lot of confidence and body image issues so ideally, I would want to have a really good male friend who I already trusted, and for him to be happy to sleep together occasionally. Unfortunately, I don't have any really good male friends who are single and free to do that. The idea of going out and trying to build that up from scratch seems like too big a mountain to climb...

Just remember for every woman who has bodily issues, there will be a guy who will have similar issues, whether it’s performance anxiety, body issues etc. It may take some patience to find a good reliable guy, communicate and just allow things to happen naturally, this will in turn boost your confidence.

I had low self confidence and body image issues due to an emotionally abusive marriage but I found the hunt for an FWB very liberating.
My self confidence soared, my body image issues disappeared and I'm so pleased I did it.

I know its tough putting yourself out there but it can be worth it.

Very similar to my experience too.

Liberating and freeing from ex issues. Loved the thrill of the chase.

Keep going OP. There will be someone out there... Try to stick with it OP. It's worth the effort.

I think this is why so many people hook up with old friends from school/college/university, or former work colleagues. It cuts out a lot of time and effort if you already know and trust them.

Have you tried sifting through all the guys on Fab to try and find those who want just one woman for regular meets? If that's too much trouble you might be better off using a regular dating site, as the pace would probably be better suited to what you want.

Have you got your filters and settings as suits what you're looking for?

You just have to get very good at sifting through the messages and profiles and being as pp said very clear on what you're looking for

I'm older than you and also overweight but that doesn't mean I don't know my worth! I know what I'm looking for and I know what I do and don't like and I stick to that.

Perhaps reassess your profile and public pics. Keep the narrative more focused on the "friend" than "benefits" angle - you can build to the "benefits" side in private messages IF you fancy them. Pics, I keep public ones fairly subtle and not too overt, friends ones a bit more revealing and private the most obvious ones.

Building your confidence and self esteem is a separate thing really although I do love all the compliments I get  who wouldn't?

When I was first single I was worried about how I looked having had a c section etc with first time with someone not my ex and a friend said by the time it reaches the stage you're having sex they pretty much know what you look like and minor things like c section scar aren't going to put them off and she was right.

Also people are attracted to lots of different body types - or none! For some of us it's more about the person. If they're confident, self assured and easy to be with that can be very attractive, as @SparklingStars10 men aren't without their own body confidence issues either

Ultimately up to you if you continue to try this route, decide if it's right for you it's not for everyone

When I had one, I found him on Tinder. It’s definitely a numbers game though and I think you’re right to be strict about meeting up first. That’s what I did with my guy and we actually got to be really good mates. In fact, after we stopped being FWBs, we bumped into each other about 4 years later and had a lovely chat. It wasn’t weird at all but no romance as I was married by then. It can be done but stick to your rules. If they won’t stick to your rules then they definitely aren’t the one for you.

Just use the normal apps !
ive been on hinge and tinder
be fairly open that’s what you are looking for and they will come
I’ve also heard good things about FEELD

You can try Reddit. Look for the R4R subreddits, you might find one local to you. Then look for F4M ( female looking for a male )