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Sex

Your orgasm is your responsibility?

12 replies

Khloeannapollie345 · 06/05/2022 10:58

My boyfriend is pretty selfish in bed, has never given me an orgasm or attempted to. I dropped hints that I wish I could experience it again. He seems to think I physically can’t as opposed to him not satisfying me. His response was ‘I’m sure it’ll happen one day’. No concern that I don’t have a good time. I asked him if he felt awkward that I’m not enjoying myself and he said no he understands I wouldn’t want to get into it when I don’t get an orgasm.
it’s now got to the point where I feel incredibly shy about coming out with ‘I don’t orgasm because you don’t help me to and it’s over within minutes anyway!’ As none of that worked I told him to do a sex quiz online for a laugh and his results was that he’s good in bed and not selfish! So now he thinks he’s a sex god and won’t work on helping me have orgasms. Any time I try to talk about it he doesn’t seem that worried so I snapped that he wouldn’t mind because he gets to orgasm each time. I’m so frustrated, I’m not interested in sex toys or masturbating it doesn’t satisfy me the same way sex does(should). Everything else in our relationship is fantastic. Admittedly he is very inexperienced and previously only had sex with one other woman, but I shouldn’t have to teach a grown man about the female body! I spoke to my friend about it and she was annoyed by my mindset and said orgasms are the own persons responsibility, and I can find a way to help myself along during sex instead of wait for him to give me one. So now I feel like I’m the one who is selfish in bed for feeling entitled to an orgasm! Is she right or should men in general be helping knowing the majority of women need extra help along the way? Can anyone help give me a boost to have a straight forward conversation about this?

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Sparkybloke · 06/05/2022 13:33

I would say you are absolutely not being selfish. I think you need to sit down with him, probably at a weekend but at a time when sex is not immediately likely, and be honest with him about your frustrations. Plenty of books to read together about getting each other to orgasm. Tell him what you like and dislike. Show him if needed! Communication is key.
However to me (a man) it is my responsibility to ensure my partner is fulfilled when we have sex. So lots of foreplay and oral which she loves. Sometimes we've both cum before thoughts of penetration anyway but even when I do it's almost always after my OH has cum. Good sex needs lots of communication and lots of listening to your partner. You both need to sort out a way forward or else you will be for ever frustrated or you will probably separate.

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alm92 · 06/05/2022 16:20

I think it's 50/50. You're definitely not selfish for wanting one and wanting him to help you..but at the same time, I don't think the majority of women orgasm solely from what the man is doing every time they have sex. I'm very happy with my sex life, however I'm responsible for most of my orgasms (unless oral ones) because I will help myself get there while he's penetrating...or use a toy. Do you (or maybe in the past) orgasm through penetration or do you need clit stimulation? I think he probably has no clue what presses your buttons, maybe guiding his hand or telling him what you need in the moment, will work better than a sit down conversation about it. My partner is definitely not lacking in sexual experience - but it didn't mean I didn't/don't have to tell him exactly what I need him to do sometimes. X

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Furrbabymama87 · 06/05/2022 16:37

I agree with the above post.
about it being 50/50. The answer lies somewhere in the middle. If he's lazy and only thinking about his pleasure then I understand why you would be annoyed, but a lot of women don't orgasm from just penetration and it's nothing to do with what the man is or isn't doing. I know you said you don't like to masturbate but for me personally, that's what gets me connected to my body and I become more orgasmic during sex.

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Kitten2 · 06/05/2022 19:27

It's down to both.
I need to actively be trying to get an orgasm in sex ... can't just lay there. But my Oh tries various things, follows instructions when needed and will generally try to get me there... doesn't always work and often is a bit frustrating (for both of us) but he loves it when I do and it is something that matters.
As above, I cum easier from sex if I have been playing in the days prior because I know where the good feeling will be. To put it simply. It helps.

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User48751490 · 06/05/2022 21:11

That's not a good sign OP. DH doesn't stop until he has satisfied me. He makes sure it happens without me having to say anything. He has always been like this.

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lostincumbria · 07/05/2022 09:43

"Everything else in our relationship is fantastic."

Really? He's only incredibly selfish in bed?

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Woodsie54 · 07/05/2022 11:51

There was a verd good message on a You Tube video. From a female comedian "If he does not press the door bell then he can't come in".

If you could maybe mention it to him and the penny might drop.

Good luck OP

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Catullus5 · 08/05/2022 05:05

You need to tell him how. Not picking up on hints doesn't mean a person is selfish. You can't expect him just to 'know'.

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BigButtons · 08/05/2022 11:46

So he gets to orgasm every time he has sex basically and you are supposed to put up with not having one?
how about you suggest to him that he doesn’t get to finish and see how he likes it.

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altmember · 09/05/2022 12:10

Admittedly he is very inexperienced and previously only had sex with one other woman, but I shouldn’t have to teach a grown man about the female body!

Well who else do you expect to teach him? Everyone is different, so to some extent it's down to you to teach him what works for you. But if he's not willing to even try, then teaching him isn't the actual problem is it. As you say, he's inexperienced - what if the previous woman didn't make any attempt to teach him about her physical needs either? Or maybe he's just a lazy/selfish lover.

As you say he doesn't last very long, you're probably best to get your orgasms in before you get to PiV. Guide his hands if you need to. If that doesn't work then you carry on and sort yourself out after sex - he can either lay there next to you like a spare part (and feeling very inadequate), or he'll join in and help you out. When you've managed to 'learn' him how to give you orgasms that way, then maybe you can start to work together on him giving them to you during PiV.

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AverageGuy · 09/05/2022 14:12

re "Admittedly he is very inexperienced and previously only had sex with one other woman, but I shouldn’t have to teach a grown man about the female body!"
I agree with @altmember how did you learn about pleasuring him? Did you get taught at school? I very much doubt it.

Unfortunately, sex education in this country is all about the biological side of things, and never has been (and probably never will be) about the pleasure side.

We have to learn "on the job" as it were - hopefully, we can be with someone more experienced, that can guide us, and show us what to do and when. Or we can watch porn, and try to emulate that, but it's not a great teacher...

If you have the patience, and you want to stay with him, then yes, show / tell him what you want, but don't make it all about you - ask him what he likes, and if he'd like anything else.

If that doesn't seem like something you can do, maybe it's time to move on.

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Violet869 · 09/05/2022 15:08

IMO there’s a big difference between inexperience and willing to learn and not willing to learning. I wouldn’t tolerate a guy who wasn’t willing to pleasure me with guidance and was happy to pump away and be done with it.

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