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Original poster

Once a month….normal?!

12 replies

ShleepyMumma · 01/05/2022 21:14

DH and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year old. We have never had the most exciting sex life but in the last year or so only have sex once a month. I’ve tried talking about it, initiating it, hinting about it but husband just isn’t fussed. Says he’s tired, doesn’t think he has a high sex drive. What else can I do?! Getting awkward trying to bring it up again and can tell he’s getting annoyed when I bring it up

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 02/05/2022 09:42

If his natural sex drive is about once a month, there is not a lot you can really do about that, you can always have the discussions about the connection and how it makes you feel, but unfortunately you are probably on a hiding to nothing.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 02/05/2022 21:33

I understand that once a month or less is considered “sexless”. I’m in the same boat BTW and it’s shit. What’s the point being married when you just feel like roommates.

Bettyboop3 · 03/05/2022 17:15

I hate to say it but it will only get worse as time passes and he gets older.

Ap1980 · 04/05/2022 11:20

Surely normal is what is normal to a couple.

I understand sexless is classed as less than 10 times a year, or once a month, but how is it sexless if you are having sex?

FreddyVoorhees · 04/05/2022 13:53

Once a month? I wish.

You've got a one year old. Don't stress about it.

Furrbabymama87 · 04/05/2022 14:31

I don't think the problem is whether it's normal, its whether you're both happy with that and you're not, so that's the problem. For what it's worth I don't think it's normal for someone to only want to have sex with their partner once a month. It suggests issues. If he just has a naturally low sex drive then I don't think there's much you can do, but there might be factors affecting it which can be helped.

DevonshireCat · 04/05/2022 16:58

I completely get the point about frequency, and the sexless definition doesnt help here. It's a question about how happy you both are with it rather than numbers. I take from MN that the average for those replying to threads is about 3 x a fortnight, but with a one year old this could well be nowhere near.

Very personally, I can cope with once a month. I can't cope with being made to feel like that is me "sorted" for the month, no anticipation, no trying something new, no making a special effort and no mention of such things until another month has gone by. Once it's monthly and feels like maintenance/duty to get it off the list things are bad.

From what you say you need it more than he does. Does he understand that you'd like more? I realise you can't demand it, just as he can't of you, but there's an unpleasant taste left if you're being fobbed off. Does he know how this makes you feel?

Councilling is one option, but in my case it was a flat refusal to attend with me, so I'm really stuck. You might have a better response even if that's just that he acknowledges that it's a problem for you as a couple.

Original poster
ShleepyMumma · 04/05/2022 20:28

I would like it more than once a month, simply for the intimacy. We are both tired which I get but not that tired, our baby sleeps through the night. It’s more that it makes me wonder why? Why doesn’t he want to more? Is it me? Friends husbands try it on multiple times a week but my DH doesn’t seem to notice I’m here. Maybe I need to make more effort, lose the Mum bun and leggings 😂

OP posts:
Nonfunctioningpancreas · 06/05/2022 09:23

Does he openly talk about his feelings/stresses/worries etc or is he like the majority and keeps things bottled up? I'm female and due to me going through things I hadn't slept with my partner for 3 years until 3 weeks ago, he has been great at supporting me but due to the pandemic and my contamination OCD he spent 2 years without even a hug from me so it may just be a case of things on his mind xx

Original poster
ShleepyMumma · 06/05/2022 12:21

He doesn’t open up voluntarily but I have asked how he is etc. He says he’s fine, just tired in evening and just doesn’t have a high sex drive, not fussed…..
The less you do it the less you want it so I guess we have got into that rut as well maybe

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 06/05/2022 13:02

ShleepyMumma · 06/05/2022 12:21

He doesn’t open up voluntarily but I have asked how he is etc. He says he’s fine, just tired in evening and just doesn’t have a high sex drive, not fussed…..
The less you do it the less you want it so I guess we have got into that rut as well maybe

Not sure what you can do about that, if he doesn’t want sex, he doesn’t want sex.
maybe you could approach from a different angle and suggest that intimacy makes you feel more connected as a couple 🤷🏼‍♂️.

Greatoutdoors · 07/05/2022 23:57

Sounds like you are both knackered. It’s exhausting raising a child. Maybe when one or both of you has more energy you’ll feel more like spending it on each other. I’d concentrate on keeping the connection with kisses and cuddles. This is a life stage and a lot of couples aren’t swinging fr the chandeliers at this point. It comes back if you stay close.

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