Divorcing for sex

[ghostridez]

Been married for 14 years and I've known I made a huge mistake all along. I have 2 children aged 11 and 13 and I'm a sahm, which the reason I'm still here.
We aren't a good match in any way really, including the bedroom. Maybe that's where all the other non-matching stems from.... Sex is not the only problem, there's been historic dv (all over now as he knew I would leave), and lots of general bickering and unpleasantness. But its sex that is really making me think I can't stick this out long term.
I found him physically attractive to begin with, but even from the first time it never felt right or never felt like he found me attractive - although he said he did.
I know that I like men who are gentle and patient, but dominant in the bedroom and he isn't like this. He shouts a lot and gets cross quickly, and in the bedroom doesn't seem confident or able to get me to relax. Never talk about fantasies, role play or do anything that really excites me.
Please don't go aibu and ask me why I married him/am still here. Its a mess and I acknowledge that.
I'm 45 and quite frightened to leave - obviously financially I don't have skills or money, but I'm looking for work (will be low paid admin). But also I really would want to meet someone else, and someone who fits my sexual criteria and I get on with/fancy. What are the actual chances this will happen? What are the chances I'll just be alone and frantically OLD all my life?
I know its unfair to stay with him when I know its wrong, but he really does love me and takes his marriage vows seriously - so at this point staying together is far more preferable even then from his pov.

Sorry to hear you are in a bit of a pickle to say the least! You say he doesn't give you what you want and from my own POV talking is always the best place to begin. Have you spoken to him about where you are at or asked him his side when it comes to sex? My own experience is you are very likely to get an unexpected answer and even if it doesn't work out that staying in your marriage is a good idea it may help smooth the transition if you both see the other side and can more clearly navigate the way forward, clearly there are other options such as open marriage etc which may help, good luck!!

Not sure that he takes his vows seriously with historic dv.

Communication is the key and you know if this is worth it or not. From what you have said it would be difficult with a 'shouty' person.

Would he be open to therapy as he seems to have issues that need resolving.

If it is no to both of these then yes examining your options regarding leaving but not from a sexual pov but rather from a 'you are worth more than this' perspective.

Good luck op sending you hugs

I left my marriage for a number of reasons but the lack of sex was a major, major factor.
I couldn't live without the emotional warmth and connection that sex brings me.
I would rather be alone and at least be in the situation to try again than be miserable.

Sorry things are tough @ghostridez . I would not be leaving due to the sex, most of the time that can be solved by honest communication, I realise this is not always the case though, the unpleasantness and DV would be enough for me to walk. As for your current situation, are you able to focus on re-training or gaining skills for employment? Do you have access to funds if you were to leave, ie equity from a house sale, savings?

So I did speak to my dh about some of the issues with sex. He is quite amenable at the moment and he did listen.
He wondered if I could see him as dominant, but I cant see that working.
I suggested open marriage and he did not agree but didnt blow it out of the water either.