Initiating sex - difficult situation

[Grumpyrainbow]

Been with DH 15 years. We have 3 kids and another on the way.

When I was pregnant with no.3 we agreed to try a new tactic which was I was the only one who would initiate sex. This was because:

A) he hates rejection and it really gets to him if I'm not up for it and
B) he never wants me to do something I don't really want to do.

From my perspective it worked really well for the early months after a newborn, when I felt utterly exhausted/ touched out etc, took the pressure right off and whenever I felt it might be possible I made the effort to initiate and he seemed happy and all was good.

Fast forward to now, we haven't changed anything, I feel he is constantly disappointed we don't have more sex, but he obv never ever initiates it, but added to that now he doesn't even touch me and hardly kisses me. (If I want a hug I have to ask for it).

I brought it up last night, he said it's chicken and egg, more touching = more sex and more sex = more intimacy and touching. I said 'well that's easy then, just touch me more' he says it's not that simple. (I do touch him and am affectionate towards him every day, but I could do better. Also feeling a bit down as I don't feel very wanted - though I don't doubt the attraction is still there on both sides.)

Just don't know what to do as my previous relationships were very different from this (and didn't involve children which I know isn't conducive to more sex).

Any ideas gratefully received!

Bump

Sounds like a lot of negotiation and tactical agreements for what should be a mutually enjoyable act.

Why don't you suggest that the two of you have a "naked hour" together each few days (if you can't get the time to yourselves) without the pressure of sex. Just completely naked and alone with each other. You both need to re-sexualise the relationship.

Thank you @Jackofallsorts that's such a good point! It feels less natural than I would like for sure.

Yes that sounds like a good idea to try. Thanks for your response.

Sounds to me as though the 'only you initiate' thing is no longer working for you, or at least not at the moment. Does it have to be a fixed thing? I could be seeing things that aren't there but his reasons for wanting you to initiate sound like maybe he ended up feeling a bit unwanted and it was almost a test to see whether you would actually would initiate on any sort of regular basis, does that sound right? But now you're feeling unwanted instead, so essentially you've switched places, which actually I think is inevitable if you have a hard and fast (no pun intended ) rule that only one person initiates.

You might need to reinstate it again when the new baby arrives but for now I think you and he need to reassess the who initiates thing and come to a more even arrangement. Would he go for something a bit more fluid that you could revisit as necessary and change according to what you both need at that time do you think?

I think this is always going an issue when only 1 person initiates in a relationship, if that person stops initiating then the sex stops for both people and both sides end up feeling unwanted / rejected.
agree with PP that you need a more even agreement, maybe just agree on doing something weekly, even if not full sex.

Thank you @BemoreDerek I think you're probably right about this. All the years of breastfeeding and co sleeping, I often feel like he doesn't do as much as me and that my basic needs are sometimes not met. (I don't expect him to understand the relentlessness of it all) but I expect I could have made more effort but maybe didn't due to both exhaustion and some resentment.

I'm not very good at looking after myself and we don't have family around to help so it can all be pretty full on.

Think I should look at the big picture and like you say, talk to him about trying a different way for the moment. Thanks for your thoughts on this.

That's exactly right @HowlongWillThisTakeNow if it stops completely we both feel down.

I guess maybe that idea is only good short term as it's inevitable one of us will feel unwanted. Actually we tried a few years ago to choose a night a week to get an early night at least to make the opportunity more likely and that worked pretty well for a while..... thank you for your response to this.

The resentment thing is familiar and it does (understandably) affect how much effort you're able/willing to make. If it's anything like the pattern my marriage followed there's resentment on his side now too (over lack of sex) and he's unlikely to have joined the dots between you not making enough effort and the fact that your basic needs haven't been met.

You said you're not great at looking after yourself, that's familiar to me too and the best advice I can give you is to make it a priority to get better at it! I've only started standing up for what I need in the last few years (thanks perimenopause ) and it's been a steep learning curve for my DH, he's had no choice but to up his game because he was perilously close to losing me.

And all that has had a knock on effect on our sex life, I'm no longer resentful and that's naturally led to me being more inclined to want to have sex, he's no longer resentful because there's not enough sex so he makes more effort in other areas and it feels like a much healthier dynamic all round.

It's a cliche (and it makes me cringe to type it ) but I do think it's true (in the context of a long term relationship anyway) that women need to feel loved in order to want sex and men need sex in order to feel loved so it's not hard to see how resentment can build up. It can be fixed though, if you can get him to join the dots.

I agree with @BemoreDerek
however I also think it takes both parties to join the dots, it’s takes 2 to tango…

Sorry for delay, I've only just seen your replies.

Thank you so much @BemoreDerek ! This is so helpful and makes complete sense that you getting your self care more sorted would result in better happiness all round.

I have been rubbish to the point of not even showering enough as I feel like I just should be doing all the things that need doing /don't deserve time off. Literally madness. If you have any more tips or advice about how you changed this in your life I'd be grateful, but don't worry if not this has already helped so much!

Thank you ❤️

I feel like I just should be doing all the things that need doing /don't deserve time off

That right there is where you need to start if you're anything like me, that belief that you matter less than everyone else. I had a lightbulb moment (reading something on here I think) and realised I would never put the level of expectation on anyone else I put on myself, nor would I ever say the horrible, negative things I used to say to myself to anyone else.

So I stopped, if I caught myself saying negative things to/about myself I forced myself to say something positive/nice instead. If I realised I was putting myself at the bottom of the list (for instance not letting DH wash up or take baby for a bit while I had a bath because he was tired from work) I pulled myself up and made a point of doing stuff for me. It matters, you matter and you can't keep giving everything and putting nothing back in the tank.

And I've noticed, if you treat yourself like you don't matter, other people start doing the same. I've found the nicer I am to myself the more others are nice to me, I suppose to some extent we invite the treatment people see us dish out to ourselves.

I don't know how helpful any of that is but I've definitely found standing up for myself and my needs more has defused a lot of the resentment on both sides. It felt like sex, and particularly initiating sex, had become almost like a battle of wills and it needed one of us to shake things up and set a new dynamic. These days we initiate equally because there's no subtext, no simmering resentment and no need to test each others level of effort, the black cloud over our sex life has gone.

@BemoreDerek I can't tell you how helpful this is 😭 I can relate so deeply to what you've said. Your examples are just like me and how I behave.

I will absolutely be trying what you have done. It is that bottom of the pile thing and your point about how you'd NEVER expect this much of anyone else! I know it's crazy, logically, I do. But learning that really, all good things should come if I can switch this around.

I'm so happy it improved things so much for you and your partner, that's just brilliant!
Thank you so so much 😍❤️

I'm so glad it was helpful, sex has been a minefield for us our entire relationship for various reasons and we've had a lot to work through, the resentment thing was really the last thing standing in our way so it would have been a shame to fall at the last hurdle

I'm actually pretty proud of both myself and DH, I'm a rape survivor and he had some horrible early experiences with sex so it's a minor miracle that we've managed to overcome our respective issues and end up in a good place, mind you it has taken the best part of 20 years! I've spent an enormous amount of time figuring out what exactly was causing our problems and how to fix them and DH has gone from someone who couldn't talk about anything sensitive or emotional at all and was completely closed off and not at all self aware, to being able to talk to me about pretty much anything and properly understand himself and his feelings.

The resentment thing was kind of what we were left with once we'd sorted everything else so we were both pretty invested in resolving it which helps, is your DH going to be open to making changes and working with you to improve things do you think? I hope so, please feel free to PM me as you go along if it helps or you have questions you think I could answer, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for you