Sexual intimacy Rapidly Deteriorating

[GWMENA]

Hi,

I am a 38 year old male, I have been with my wife for 13 years, married for 10 of those years.

We have three young children (11, 7, 2).

During the more recent years, it feels as though our intimacy between one another is rapidly deteriorating, to the point, where I’m home for 4 months per year (I work abroad a lot - home for blocks of 4 weeks at a time), but when we are apart it feels as though there is no effort to maintain a connection or sexual connection. When we are together, for the short period of time, I get told that sex is a chore. Surely this should not be the case. I have suggested things to add some spice and excitement into our sex life, but this just makes her even more resistant talking about it.

Each time I try to speak about this to my wife, she just closes down and says if I don’t like it then go find someone else, surely that is not the answer to improve things. She does tell me she is ants us to remain together though.

I provide everything I can for my family, I understand it’s tiring for my wife looking after 3 young children on her own, therefore I have put things in place to help, cleaner, gardener, her parents are regularly visiting. I also ensure I take over the kids when I’m home to give her a break.

During the past 2-3 years, she has seemed quite withdrawn, lack of interest with sex, or even maintaining a connection.

More recently, I noticed there were some intimate photos on her phone on her phone, which I’d never been sent. I confronted her and she explained they were for me but she didn’t like them so didn’t send them to me and forgot to delete them from her phone.

Also, more recently, she arranged a meal out with her friends, I have no issues with that as I fully understand she needs a break. But then after the meal she visited a bar, then proceeded to go back to her friends house for a chat and another drink prior to her friends husband dropping her off our home in the early hours of the morning.

My wife also fell out with my parents about 6 months ago, due to comments made about our children, so I was even banned by my wife from taking the children to visit my parents without her being with us.

My wife also stopped sending me photos of the children when I was away, and also made it difficult for me to receive a copy of my sons important exam letter, due to her fears of forward them all to my mum. The situation with my mum has since been resolved (About 4 weeks ago).

Basically, just looking for some advice from a female perspective, as I do not want to walk away and break up our family but I’m at the end of my patience with it all.

Thank you in advance.

I’m an ex army wife and my husband used to be away a lot whilst our children were young. I never strayed but I really missed sex and intimacy. 8 months away from home is a long time and maintaining a connection is not going to be easy, even with all the options available to keep that communication going.It very much sounds like she likes the life she has and that’s why she wants to remain in the relationship. The fact she’s told you to find sex elsewhere is not a good sign and to me that would suggest she’s found sex elsewhere and is giving you the go-ahead to justify her guilt, I could be wrong however.
I don’t think the relationship is salvageable. I think it’s time to have an honest chat about the current situation.

@ExArmyWife - Thank you for your feedback, appreciated. I’d like to point out she has not given me the green light to get sex elsewhere. She has said if I don’t feel what she is offering sexually or enough for me then to leave the relationship altogether, although she wants us to be happy together.

I am a realist and I know looking after 3 children on her own for most of the year is draining on her, which is why I put in support mechanisms to help her, plus when I’m home I try and take the lead with everything to give her a break, so I actually never get a break myself, but I’m still more than willing to try and enjoy our sex life.

I have tried talking to her about it, but it does not get us anywhere. She either closes down or tells me she will put more effort into our sex life, so I leave it at that but then 3 months down the line there is no change.

She used the excuse that arguing was the reason she did not want sex all the time, but then I asked her to tell me the last time we actually argued, she couldn’t. So to me that is just an excuse.

Even on our last night together before departing to fly to work, she didn’t make any effort, literally checked her phone then went to sleep. I asked her why there was no effort and she said because she’s always feeling sad on our last night together so she’s not then wanting sex.

I have suggested lots of ways to try and improve our sex life, to spice it up, inject some excitement but whenever I suggest things it just makes her angry.

I fear I am beginning to resent her for doing this.

I think unfortunately she has found solace elsewhere. Men are better at hiding feelings but women are generally rubbish and hence an aspect is her lack of interest of sex with you.

I'm sorry but I thin when you are next home, a frank conversation is necessary but it doesn't look good. From a harsh view of it, if she is cheating it is cake and eat it as she has you maintaining her and the home and her free to explore

If that isn't the scenario I would be very surprised

@Sunflowergirl1 - Thank you for your message, appreciated. To be honest, I do not know where she would find the time to do sexual things with others, she works, looks after the children, takes them to clubs etc. However, I did find it concerning that there were photos of her in just her underwear saved on her phone, photos which I had never received but were taken 6 months previously. Her explanation was that because I had booked her a surprise meal out with a friend, as a thank you when she got home she took the photos and was going to send them to me but didn’t like the photos so decided not to send them. The date and time the photos were taken do link in to the same date the meal was booked and the time would have been when she had returned home. So even though I was surprised to find what I did on her phone, I do believe her explanation.

She's mostly on her own doing everything as well as working. Pretty much a single parent already. It's probably odd having you there, she will be used to being on her own. It's an odd setup to create with 3 DC's too, can't think that many relationships would survive it. I know I'd never consider it, or be any good at it. The more you do on your own, the less you think about another and the more distant you feel. When feelings become distant, it's hard to flick back into being warm and open for a period, only to flick back after.
Do you know for a fact that the man driving her home was indeed her friends husband, or could he of been anyone?
It's entirely understandable if she has found support or even just release elsewhere - doesn't make it right though. You need to talk it all out, if she wants a sexless arrangement with you, it's only fair that she allows things to be opened up if she wants to stay in it.

@Opentooffers - Thank you for taking the time to respond. Appreciated.

I wasn’t in the UK at the time she was dropped off after her night out with her friends. Although, she told me that her friend and her friends son was also in the car as they dropped her off before the others being dropped off to prevent my wife having to get a taxi late at night on her own. So, I don’t think she would mention specific people if she knows at any point I could ask them or bring it up in conversation the next time we were all out together. Would be naive of her.

I totally understand what you are saying about flicking it on/off and also I understand about the set up. It is hard and takes a lot of patience. I do receive the odd comment from her if she has to do a job in the house which I would do if I was home “I’ve had to do a man job again”, but she is more than happy to live the lifestyle my work provides her with.

I do find, in particular the past couple of years she has been much more distant, but then it’s been such a stressful time for her during COVID with the children.

I do trust her when she tells me there is not anybody else involved. But it’s just so frustrating that it seems to be a battle just to maintain a good sex life. It shouldn’t be a battle.

If there is no sex/intimacy, there isn’t a lot left to your relationship. She doesn’t have to have sex with you and having sex to keep you happy isn’t a turn-on surely but you also don’t have to settle for a life without sex either.

@SparklingStars10 - Thankyou, appreciated.

Its not that we do not have sex, we do, admittedly at times there does not seem to be much excitement involved, compared to previous years, however I put that down to the past couple of years stresses with the children, Lockdown etc. So it’s bound to have an impact, but not as much impact as this though. Like I said, after being apart for 2 months, when I’m home for 4 weeks, I shouldn’t be told by my wife that at times sex is a chore, because I like to have sex with her every couple of nights whilst I’m home prior to spending another 2 months apart.

When we are apart, yes I do ask her to maintain a sexual connection, photos and sexy talk, but as soon as ask for that she gets angry.

I know I don’t have to be in a relationship with a lack of sex, but I do not want to seek it elsewhere as I do think a lot of my wife. Hence, deciding to come on here to try and get some advice from a female perspective.