Shocked.

[Fingeronthebutton]

Im asking on Mumsnet to get a more realistic view of my problem.
my head is in a bad place. Im 76 and my long term partner ( 42 yrs) is 73.
This morning I saw him pleasuring himself in his shed. He had his iPad open so I’m assuming he was looking at porn.
when I confronted him he denied what I had seen. He’s now changed that stance.
I was so shocked that my hands couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t stop crying.
I don’t know how to talk to him.

Are you shocked about the porn or the masturbation? He might need more visual stimulation at his age to get things going.
Shaking and crying could be seen as an over-reaction, but it depends on the dynamics of your relationship. How distasteful it is depends on what he was watching.

I don’t like the idea of porn because of the connection with trafficking.
I think the shock came from the fact that I was standing in the conservatory this morning just looking at the garden when I noticed that he was sitting looking at his iPad screen.
First off I thought he was in contact with another car enthusiast. Then he stood up and I could see he was naked.
I think the shock is, that he could see me from where he was in his shed.
Its not the ‘act’ itself, it’s the thing that he knew I was in the house.
Im also upset that I can’t talk to friends or family about this. He’s one of those men that everyone loves.

I don't think he's done anything wrong to be honest. I think he could have been more discreet so that you wouldn't find out but he's only had a wank. It's natural. I know some people are against porn but you can't stop him from watching it as long as he doesn't do it around you.

There's 2 things going on here, firstly his recklessness at masturbating naked in the shed where you (or anyone, neighbours etc) could see him. Is he ok in other regards, you haven't noticed any cognitive decline? Secondly if you don't have any intimacy you may feel more upset by it.

If you aren't worried that he may be acting out of character by being so careless you need to have an honest chat with him, tell him to masturbate more privately but also do you think your own physical relationship could do with more attention?

I tend to agree with others that his choice of location could have been better, but other then that he has not really done anything wrong, your reaction might be a seen by some as bit OTT ?

I also agree with the OTT reaction...why would you even consider talking to friends or family about this? Yes I agree with other posters, he should be more discreet about where he is masturbating. Does he know that you do not agree with him watching porn? Maybe that's the bit you need to discuss with him as to why he needs to watch porn to masturbate.

Can I ask the OP, Do you masturbate in private too.

Accept that this wasn't as private as it could be but look at the Just Because thread to see that we masturbate (and have sex) in many places.

Was the shock that he was masturbating, that he was watching porn or that it was to a degree where others could see him

Thank you for your replies.
I think it was where he was doing it. He must have known that there was a chance that I could see him, and a neighbour.
There has been a problem with our sex life for many years from going through the menopause. I’ve tried every lotion and potion on the market ( including hospital consultants) Nothing worked.
I said to him last night: “if you had only said sorry, I didn’t mean for you to see that” but he didn’t and still hasn’t.
I realise that my reaction is way over the top, and if I could speak with my daughter ( not her birth father) she would agree with you.
someone asked “ why would I want to share with someone”
I have 2 wonderful friends who we share all problems and worries.
Anyway, today I’m off to a spa day with my daughter so will have to buck up.
Thank you for listening.

Further to the above and speaking to friends. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me that “this too will pass” and, if I’m honest, have sympathy for me.
Im starting to sound a bit pathetic now so I’d better stop.

You aren't sounding pathetic at all. Imo masturbation isn't the issue it is the way he was doing it in a place he could easily be seen and completely naked? That is odd and not ok.

So he either has perhaps declining mental capacity and this is the first sign or he is quite happy for others to see him doing it and if it is the latter it is rather disturbing.

Op was he completely naked or just had his genitals out? Completely shed is a little peculiar perhaps but masterbating to porn is very normal. You haven't hit much if any physical intimacy you say. Then allow him to at least pleasure himself without judgement. Surely.

I don’t think you sound pathetic, but after 42 years together I would wonder why he needs to do this in the shed, is it embarrassing for both of you ?
is he ashamed to do this in the privacy ( and safety) of his own home ?

I think you're reaction is a bit OTT. Just give the guy some privacy.