Partner wants a threesome

[cheshirebloke]

My partner recently has bought into conversation her desires to bring another person into the bedroom. She's got a bloke in mind (had lucid dreams about it apparently), on further discussion there are a couple of potential men that she knows/is friends with (I don't know them at all).

My partner is bi and I'm straight (open minded, but not curious at all, zero attraction to men myself). We've had a threesome in the past with another bi woman, and that worked quite well, but she's out of the frame now. That was back when we were fwb, and things have since developed into a proper relationship (about 3 years ago).

Now I'm not into cuckold/watching my partner with another man or being watched ourselves. And being straight I've no intention of interacting with another bloke myself. So I just wouldn't get anything out of it, it'd all just be for the benefit of my partner (and the other bloke too I guess). So I've told her that I've no interest in another bloke joining us, but would consider a bi woman 'soft swing' again, as we can all interact and for me that's the main attraction of a threesome.

She responded asking if I'd got anyone in mind. I haven't, as I'd not considered it until she brought the subject. And while I've got quite a few female friends, they're not particularly close friends any more (I've barely socialised since covid) and frankly the thought of a bloke asking a female friend to join him and his missus for a threesome seems a bit creepy to me. On top of that, I just wouldn't really want to go there with a friend, as it has the potential to irreversibly affect the friendship.

So for me, ideally the third party would be someone neither of us is friends with. Finding someone via a dating/swingers site, or even perhaps going out on the pull as a couple seems like the ideal solution here. That keeps things on an even footing, doesn't risk any friendships, or blur any boundaries. And whether it's just a one off or a repeat occurrence there would be a healthy grounding between us and the third person.

The bit that puzzles me a bit is that my partner is not up for meeting someone new at all (of course I'm not suggesting jumping into bed with someone straight away either, would want to meet socially first). She says she'd only be comfortable with someone that one of us knows already, and pointed out that just brings us back to the bloke(s) she first mentioned. So unless I back down and agree to that, it's not likely to happen. Which I'm fine with, but it leaves me wondering if she feels restricted and disappointed, and missing something.

Am I being unfair by not being up for the idea of only having a threesome with someone where we can all get off with each other - so a woman rather than a bloke?

What about another couple? That way you’ve each got your hands full.

But maybe she is more interested in this bloke specifically.

I had a work colleague many years ago proposition me about having a threesome with her and her husband, apparently he wanted to fuck me and thought I was hot. I had absolutely no idea he thought this and they were into that sort of thing, you’d never have known. (I didn’t by the way!)
I really don’t think it’s a good idea to involve people you know, especially friends, having that detachment I can imagine would be important.
It’s not clear from your post either whether you were intimate with the female, or just your partner. If you invite another man into the bedroom to have sex with your wife, you need to make sure it’s something you’d be comfortable with first.

@PurpleTulip90

I had a work colleague many years ago proposition me about having a threesome with her and her husband, apparently he wanted to fuck me and thought I was hot. I had absolutely no idea he thought this and they were into that sort of thing, you’d never have known. (I didn’t by the way!) I really don’t think it’s a good idea to involve people you know, especially friends, having that detachment I can imagine would be important. It’s not clear from your post either whether you were intimate with the female, or just your partner. If you invite another man into the bedroom to have sex with your wife, you need to make sure it’s something you’d be comfortable with first.

Yes that's my thinking - avoid bringing friends into the bedroom. But my partner is the opposite, doesn't seem to want to consider someone who we're not already friends with. Of course that instantly narrows it down to the bloke that she's got in mind, so it leaves me wondering if that's cause or effect there.

When we did the threesome with the woman, yes we were all intimate with each other together (just no piv with her, it was on the table but we just didn't get that far). We were still casual with each other at that time though so it was a slightly different dynamic, although I still wouldn't have been keen on another man in the bedroom then either.

For me, all three participants need to fancy each other for it to be an actual threesome, so it needs at least two of us to be bi, and that isn't me (I don't think the other bloke my partner has in mind is either). And just the same as I don't want a threesome with another man, I wouldn't want one with my partner and a gay woman. If my partner wasn't bi then I wouldn't even be considering a threesome with another woman either - we'd all need to get something out of it to maintain equilibrium.

I think you also need to look at how this may change your relationship now you’re partners, FWB has different dynamics as you mentioned, I’ve had one in the past for 9 months and it was mostly sex, friendship and dinner. In a relationship there are feelings involved and sex between you is something you do with each other, rather than others, so seeing your partner have sex with another man will most likely make you feel different, off course there are exceptions, open relationships etc but your post doesn’t feel like you feel comfortable with this, on the other hand she could easily say, she’s allowed another woman in the bedroom, so you should make an exception but in that case this is something she was happy with, you are not.
I also think it’s possible to have a threesome without two men getting involved intimately. I guess maybe her reasoning for involving someone she knows, means she already knows there’s an attraction there and she feels safe in the presence of the men she has in mind. However, with all that in mind, you’re in a relationship now and boundaries are a must if you do go ahead with this. You should also both only do what you’re comfortable with, you don’t want to ruin a good thing.

Yes, I'm not comfortable with it, certainly not with another bloke. Expect I'd end up getting jealous, and I'm sure it would change and possibly damage our relationship. But I also feel bad that refusing her idea is preventing her from satisfying her desires.

I wouldn't even consider suggesting to her that I bring a straight female friend round for me to have sex with whilst my partner watches. I seriously doubt she'd be keen on that, and I'd feel uncomfortable and self conscious with expecting my partner to tolerate that.

So I'm a bit surprised she's so eager for the reverse situation, she seems to be putting her own self gratification above us as a couple. I'd get nothing positive at all from watching my partner with another man - I may as well not even be there! And if I may as well not be there, then it doesn't seem like a threesome, but that she's basically asking for a fully open relationship. Which I don't want either.

We don't live together and circumstances dictate we can usually only see each other a couple of times a month. So this suggestion has now set my mind racing - what if her threesome idea is really a stepping stone to her hooking up with these other blokes while we're apart? If she's open about having them there while we're together I expect the next step would be that she'll want to see them when I'm not there. Her conscience may even lead her to think that it's fine to do that without discussing it with me first: "if he's ok with it while he's here, then it's not really any different when he's not".

Have you told her you’re not comfortable with allowing another male into the bedroom? If so, how did she react?
It’s plausible that she is testing the waters to see your reaction, at the suggestion of being with another man but I guess if you don’t live together and only see each other a few times a month, you’d need to have that trust there that you’re both committed and faithful to each other during the time you spend apart.
I don’t know how you feel personally about her admitting to having men that she’d like to invite into the bedroom, this seems she’s leaning towards an open relationship and is possibly something she wants. Maybe an honest conversation is the best way forwards.

I wouldn't be up for any of this. But for your partner to suggest using someone she knows isn't right... and to expect it too. Put your foot down OP.

Fuck that
She wants you to watch someone she knows fuck her, knowing you have no interest in sex with him !
That is not going to fly !
If you are up for swinging then fine another couple and you can play as well how does she feel about you fucking another girl ?
Can all be great fun ( I know from a previous partner) but everyone has to be on the same page !
I would not go back to swinging, it was great fun at the time and lots of experiences but now not for me Mrs F has also had fun with more than 1 in the past we both could not watch each other being shagged by someone else

Clear discussion about what you both want I think
Sounds like she is looking for an open relationship?

I have threesomes with my both my wife and my FWB, both FFM and M MMF.

The MMFs I've had with my wife have been both MM intimate contact and non intimate contact as the FFM threesome I have with my WFB is non FF intimate contact.

Just make the rules clear from the outset and stick to them. If you want to change them do so in a non sex setting.

So she can't have another man but you want another women hahahah 🤣 double standards to their mate sounds like you want your cake and pie prat

Would be better with someone you don't know. If she needs some connection beforehand, you could have a social meet first.

I think there may be a few things here. Before start planning a threesome, there may be conversation to have with your partner about your sex life overall. Are you together wanting and exploring the same things be it kink, group sex etc? Is this exploration fundamental to who you are, your identity - something you both yearn for consistently, need it regularly or just flirt with now and then. Do you also see this as a way to change or shift your relationship - do you want to practice monogamous relationship or open this relationship up a little more or completely? Sometimes, a bit of exploration can actually be sharing a little more about who we are, what we want, what’s really important to us - and with this kind of thing, it important as a couple, that communication, honesty and trust is really solid.
Whether you want someone you do know or don’t know I think comes a little later - I’d share it’s the fundamentals of what you both want and need that is a fun and important conversation to have too, perhaps first - before you start experimenting. X

I think you have misunderstood the entire post.

He is not Bi, and therefore not into other males. so no fun for him.
She is Bi, and therefore is into other females - so fun for both.
He did not have PIV with the last FFM threesome and i suspect it was very much centered around the two woman

No straight man wants a MMF threesome, as they are not going to interact with the other man, so it might as well be just the other male and the female instead.

It's not double standards at all.

I'm not connected to the threesome world these days but I would much prefer that my wife knew the person she was having sex with.

My wife is very straight, highly sexed and likes men. I'd perhaps like her to have a lover she coukd have on her own under our roof with me present, or part of a threesome.

Unfortunately, she's not keen as a number of years ago she had an affair and it nearly broke us up. She doesn't want to rock the boat.

I agree. Talking about this is vital.

You have to be 100& totally honest with each other in what you do want, and just as importantly, what you do not want.

Before we opened up our marriage, my wife and I had lots of conversations about this, who we would want, strangers and/or known people, numbers involved, what we weren't prepared to do, would there be jealously.

Even when you start, and we have been open for 10 years now, if something new comes up, discuss it before you do it

Well this is quite the response to a thread that is well over two years old. Why do some people feel the need to be so rude, like this, these days?
It is possible to make a constructive point without being abusive.
I’m not even referring to the point you were trying to make.

The more I read about it, the more I think that becoming a cuckhold would benefit my relationship with my partner.

It's a role I know I'd be comfortable in but it would also be a role my wife would excel at and help channel her quite domineering sexual energy.