Rough sex - turn on or off ?

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'm asking for some opinions. I aren't sure how to feel .

I'm dating and after a few disasters I met a guy last night - really hit it off . No overthinking. No guilt . We laughed so much and it was natural when he stayed over at my place .

He's a bit younger so plenty of energy . I hardly got any sleep if you get my drift but as well as affectionate loving sex , at one point during the night he was quite forceful, held my hands down , pulled my hair , and while I stress I never felt threatened or scared he at one point put his hands around my throat from behind , slapped me , pulled my hair . He didn't hurt me , it wasn't so rough I was worried or anything, but felt edgy and domineering, and it did turn me on - it felt edgy and exciting. at all other times it was quite loving. The sex was good . He wasn't selfish and I enjoyed myself . He did too by all accounts. We've arranged to see each other again .
The way we met was a bit off the wall and very spontaneous. I trusted him though , we had a rapport , we had a laugh and it felt quite natural to take him home . He's asked if we can see more of each other and be exclusive.

I dunno if this is a porn thing ? Or just a bit of a fantasy he acted out and I enjoyed.
He did try a couple of things I wasn't comfortable with and stopped immediately when I said no son I don't feel worried that he'd push me to do anything I wasn't happy with .

I'm just curious really as never experienced this .
I did like him . I would be happy to see him again .

What exactly are you asking? Surely whether other people like rough sex or not is irrelevant to your story.
Do I like 'rough' sex? Yes, sometimes, with the right person in a safe space when it's consensual.
Would I like a stranger I'd just met being rough with me during sex? Probably not.
But only you know what happened and how it made you feel.

I enjoy rough sex but I'd be slightly cautious about a new partner trying that on a first date. It's good that you felt safe and he respected your boundaries. Just tread carefully.

You might want to have a conversation about how far he likes to push the domination. If it's more of the same and you're both happy with that level, then that's all good. But you need to understand whether he is likely to push for more and, if so, how you feel about that. It doesn't have to be an awkward conversation, just ask him what his preferences are.

I think it's a turn on when you're with someone you trust and they're not hurting you. I like my hair pulled and my bum slapped but I wouldn't like it with someone I'd only just started shagging though.

I think that's rather advanced stuff for a new partner to be trying out. Most people would be considerate enough to test the water and find their feet gently the first few times with a new partner, rather than just jump in at the deep end like that. I guess there's the slight risk that this is the tip of the iceberg for him, and he might be expecting to escalate to more sinister stuff from here, beyond you're comfort level.

At the same time the fact that you told him no to some stuff probably got him the impression that you'd be confident enough to say no to the other things if you didn't like them.

Maybe have a chat with him (outside the bedroom): "it was nice the other night, but my limits are x, y, z"?

I wouldn’t be comfortable with being slapped, having my hair pulled and his hands around my neck on the first night of having sex, he’s already disrespected you by not discussing your boundaries first and assuming he has the right to do this.

Raise your bar OP.

Been thinking a lot today . I think I do need to reset my boundaries.

Putting it down in back and white has helped .

I like occasional rough sex but I’d run a mile from a stranger who thought slapping and strangling was appropriate for a first date without having checked with you beforehand what your comfort levels are. (I’d run a mile from anyone who thought going anywhere near my throat with their hands was okay, it’s incredibly dangerous.)

Would you stuck one of your fingers up his bum without checking first? Grip his balls and pull on them suddenly? Slap his face without warning? No? Why not? And if you know why not, ask yourself why he thought it was okay to do it to you and what that tells you about his attitude towards women, sexual boundaries and consent.

It's a turn on for me, to a point but everyone has their limits.
It would be good to agree on a safe word and maybe talk through some boundaries as others have suggested.
However, I also love spontaneity and there's a risk of killing that if you over talk things to death so it's about finding a balance really, between comfort, safety and excitement.

I would never find rough sex a turn-on. You might be different, but it's totally ok to not enjoy rough sex even if other people do.

Either way, it's something there should be a conversation about first, and more time getting to know one another.

Trust takes time to build, it shouldn't just be handed over instantly.

Hair and bum slap fine
Neck would alarm me
Def have a chat 💬 about this

Yes men watch far too much pornhub 🙄

What does anyone get out of having their hair pulled?? No offence to anyone into this, I don’t see the attraction

Whilst none if those things are an issue between two consenting adults... I think the lack of discussion before/during and him trying those things before checking he had your consent is definitely an issue and speaks volumes about how he views women.

It's done now so don't dwell. Tbh I don't think I would right him off I would speak to him about this though. Just be honest ask him about his other experiences and if he is usually that forward..

Seems a bit much for the first time to me
Have a chat, maybe for him it is nothing and he expects to move into heavier stuff next time ( who knows) good he respected your boundaries, make them super clear and be clear how far you will go, maybe you feel safe with him and want to try new things, great if he is on board with this and happy to stop at any time
Clear discussion before next time sound like a good move
Have fun

good he respected your boundaries

A man who stops doing something during sex because a woman has told him to stop isn’t to be praised for “respecting her boundaries” fgs. Anything else would make him a rapist. Are there really men out there giving themselves a pat on the back because they didn’t continue having sex with a woman who had said she didn’t want it and convincing themselves this makes them good men?

He sounds like a grade A twat. Sorry.

This is the kind of stuff that needs to be discussed first. He didn't discuss it but just did it, which I would say is concerning. He just took control and assumed you'd be ok with it. Also, why is he asking you to be 'exclusive' after just one night together?

Be very wary you're not attaching yourself to a controlling person!

I would say it's much too soon, to take a random man home, and have all this rough sex, you know nothing about him I assume.Talking about being exclusive at this point, is quite laughable..

I've decided to swerve a repeat.