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Original poster

I think I'm going to cheat on him

22 replies

namechanged9999 · 04/04/2022 09:41

My bf and I have been together for a year. Everything is great. Except for the sex. He rarely wants to have sex and I'm a very sexual person. He doesn't go down on me. My ex husband would eat me out whenever wherever and wouldn't stop until I came. My ex always wanted sex and no matter what went on we had an amazing sex life. I feel so frustrated but when I speak to my bf about it he says sex is just not on his mind and it's not that important to him.

I got married young, divorced after ten years and I was always a very sexual person. I like toys and leashes and kink and my bf is just so traditional in bed. I don't really feel desired and when I try to discuss it with him he withdraws and says all I care about is sex when that's not what makes a good relationship. I feel unattractive, undesired. And it's strange to me bc he has been around the block so I feel offended he doesn't want me. It's reaching a point where I need attention from other men and seriously consider experimenting.

I go to the gym, I'm only 32, not disfigured, but I am taking this personally. He says it's not personal at all and he finds me hot and loves me very much. We never make out. My bf says he is wary of even showing me affection bc I always end up expecting sex when he's just not up for it. What can I do???

OP posts:

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 04/04/2022 09:45

Leave him. You're clearly incompatible. Don't cheat though. Just leave him.

MrsGHarrison87 · 04/04/2022 09:58

Yeah leave him. It's only been a year and it's already crap. I don't think it's unusual to not be into leather and kink stuff but the lack of sex and affection isn't normal.

Isitsixoclockalready · 04/04/2022 10:36

Like the others said, why cheat? If you aren't sexually compatible then find someone who is.

Freddy12 · 04/04/2022 11:08

find someone else
it's the right thing to do, will save you a ton of stress
why stay with someone who you are so incompatible with

saleorbouy · 04/04/2022 11:42

"My bf and I have been together for a year. Everything is great."

Well you then go on to list the issues that are affecting you. You're obviously on different sexual wavelengths so incompatible. If sexual satisfaction is important to you then this relationship is not going to work especially if you're thinking of cheating.
Move on for someone more connected with your needs.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 04/04/2022 12:29

Don’t cheat, just split, sexually you sound miles apart, probably best for both of you

JustSaying71 · 04/04/2022 13:10

Maybe try and talk it through one more time. But don't make it plaintive; make it clear that sex is a relationship defining issue. Relationships are complicated, and they can drag on because of (often more practical than emotional) reasons. But I'm sure that there are plenty of people on here who were in unsatisfying relationships at one time or other, and wish they'd got out sooner as, with the benefit of hindsight, they can see that it was never going to work.

Life's too short is a cliche, but as cliches go it's not a bad one. The alternative is probably to let things drag on to the point where the sex, such as it is, dries up completely.

Original poster

namechanged9999 · 04/04/2022 13:23

@JustSaying71 talking it through feels like pressuring him into doing something he doesn't want or being something he isn't. That's the issue :( it just feels accusatory.

OP posts:

JustSaying71 · 04/04/2022 13:34

OK, well, if you feel it's pointless to talk and/or you'll only feel guilty or unreasonable - which, as you describe it, it certainly isn't -, then there's only one way to go. Well, actually, there are probably several, including cheating. But if he's a decent guy in other respects who you don't want to hurt more than is inevitable, I'd just tell him as sympathetically as you can that it's over.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 04/04/2022 14:19

[quote namechanged9999]@JustSaying71 talking it through feels like pressuring him into doing something he doesn't want or being something he isn't. That's the issue :( it just feels accusatory. [/quote]
Isn’t this the point ? , you ARE pressuring him into doing something he doesn’t want to, so end the relationship (for both your sakes) and find someone more on your page sexually., and he can do the same

Wherearemymarbles · 04/04/2022 15:57

You’re not sexually compatible and never will be.
He doesnt understand your needs and you dont understand his lack of interest.

There is no meeting in the middle so split up.

Gowithme · 04/04/2022 16:21

You have completely different sex drives. There is nothing wrong with either of you but you will never be happy together.

Seadad · 05/04/2022 15:58

It's a reason to move on OP - it's absolutely not a reason to cheat. But I think your rationalising is a good example of how betrayers often think to justify their harmful behavior eg - it's just to fill a void, scratch an itch, feel alive etc. And of course...no one will ever know.
What you actually need to consider is that sex is a huge part of a relationship- and while it is often taken forgranted (as in your marriage - which still wasn't perfect) once it is missing it becomes an all consuming problem. So much so that it clouds judgement.
But when you cheat, the chances are you will be discovered (it's addictive and you will continue, become careless or slip up). And when discovered you will change every future relationship your DP ever has. You won't just change how he sees you, but how he sees himself, and he will have trust issues that will cast a shadow over his relationships when you are long gone. If he has been cheated on before, it won't make it easier but harder to overcome.
So if you have any respect for him and don't wish to harm others, then see that you simply aren't compatible, be honest and end things. You know you really won't have any trouble finding sex - it's all the other stuff that's difficult- sexual compatibility is foundational- not the icing on the cake.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/04/2022 09:15

Find a new man who will match desires
You are way too young for this

SueSaid · 06/04/2022 09:49

'I go to the gym, I'm only 32, not disfigured, but I am taking this personally'
What an awful comment. I imagine many 'disfigured' people will have very full and active relationships.
As others have said end it. He either isn't attracted to you for whatever reason or you just have different sex drives.
Why on earth stay with either him and cheat?!

MostlyOk · 08/04/2022 10:04

End the relationship, don't cheat. No one likes a cheater.

Soupercat · 08/04/2022 16:43

What would he say if he found out

Hutchy16 · 08/04/2022 16:58

Cheating is disrespectful, even if you don’t love someone anymore, if you loved them once you should respect them enough not to cheat. Walk away instead, better than hurting him by cheating

1forAll74 · 09/04/2022 14:47

Don't cheat, just end this relationship first, Your partner will know why you want to end things by the way you speak about all the differences between you.

Eatprayrun · 10/04/2022 00:33

@JaniieJones

'I go to the gym, I'm only 32, not disfigured, but I am taking this personally' What an awful comment. I imagine many 'disfigured' people will have very full and active relationships. As others have said end it. He either isn't attracted to you for whatever reason or you just have different sex drives. Why on earth stay with either him and cheat?!

I was about to post the same. “Not disfigured” is a repulsive comment. You sound shallow, and a bit try-hard with your declarations of being into kink. Split up so each of you can find someone who you are compatible with.

Soupercat · 11/04/2022 09:54

Not sure oral sex counts as kink

Joystir59 · 11/04/2022 20:37

Don't cheat on him. Have the courage to leave if you aren't happy.

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