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Original poster

DP losing his erection during sex and going in a huff. What do I do?

14 replies

dpproblem · 31/03/2022 19:05

For about 6 months now when we are having sex, sometimes DP loses his erection after a while. It also sometimes happens during oral on him, but he regains it better with oral.

It happens less than half the time, often it is okay, but when it happens he gets so frustrated and angry (not scary-to-me-angry, just angry). He has said hurtful things to me like why are you just lying there like a sack of potatoes, why aren't you helping. He will storm off and brood in the next room. I'm so hurt by his words. I'm naturally quite passive in sex but that's never been a problem for us before.

I should've mentioned we've been together a very very long time.

I don't know if it's because he is not attracted to me anymore? Or is he bored sexually? I've asked and he says it's not those things, but he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. To be honest I am still very much into him, I am little bored but still enjoy it a lot.

Does anyone have any advice? Does it sound like he isn't attracted to me anymore? or bored of me? His words really hurt me. I want to work through this together but it's driving a wedge between us. He's not a talker so won't talk about it.

We seem far apart Sad Sad.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 31/03/2022 19:58

It isn’t you. If you’ve been together a “very very long time” then I’m assuming you’re both over 40 at least? Erectile dysfunction is relatively common in men in their forties (and even more common in men older than that.) It sounds like he’s struggling to maintain his erection which is making him embarrassed, and he’s taking that embarrassment out on you - and that bit is completely unacceptable. Tell him to visit his GP to rule out any health cause such as blood pressure or diabetes etc and to discuss medication like viagra / sildafinel. And the two of you need to have a proper conversation about it, which includes you or something Inc. him know how hurtful it is when he blames you, that that’s the last time he gets away with it, and he doesn’t get to disrespect you in that way.

Original poster
dpproblem · 31/03/2022 20:17

@ComtesseDeSpair thank you for your reply. He is 44. He did go to the GP and has normal blood pressure and no diabetes. What else could it be? Or could it be psychological

I'm concerned for our relationship because to be honest, our sex life has got a bit boring / routine over the past couple years. Same routine first, same two positions and we know each other inside out. I suspect it might be a combination of his age and boredom.

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 31/03/2022 20:32

Even 'self service' gets harder ( I am finding) so when you add in a bit of performance anxiety..

Try not to stop all together as starting up again is difficult

Original poster
dpproblem · 31/03/2022 20:34

@topcat14 May I ask what age you are? He keeps joking about his age but I can tell it bothers him.

OP posts:
Catullus5 · 31/03/2022 20:54

Perhaps it's time for you to take the reins in the bedroom. It will take the pressure off him, and you will discover what you like best, and what you can do to turn him on. Rule the fuck, as Esther Perel says. None of this is to suggest you're at fault, but it is a solution.

Also there are many reasons for erectile dysfunction at 40+ none of which will be your fault.

Catullus5 · 31/03/2022 21:04

@topcat2014

Even 'self service' gets harder ( I am finding) so when you add in a bit of performance anxiety..

Try not to stop all together as starting up again is difficult

Yes, this.

I'm late 40s, in very good shape.

Much less spontaneous desire.
Much easier for general stress or tiredness to kill desire stone dead.
Less genital sensitivity.
Takes much longer to orgasm.
Erection is use it or lose it (I generally lose it if I'm going down on DW for example). But I can usually recover it.
Can't ejaculate more than once in 24 hours.
Sex is very much no longer an itch that needs to be scratched but something I need to work up an appetite more (which means DW helping.)

Original poster
dpproblem · 31/03/2022 21:52

@Catullus5 Thanks for your reply. I think I will have to try to be more assertive in the bedroom. I am very, very shy and also don't feel good about my looks in recent years. Also have a fear of sexual rejection stemming from previous relationship. I am thinking I will have to learn to take the reins a little, as you say, and cope with my long term fears of not being good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
dpproblem · 31/03/2022 22:22

Thanks again @Catullus5, Your list does seem to be the case for DP. He is in good shape too.

Much less spontaneous desire. - not sure about this one, but he often doesn't get hard without manual stimulation. Sometimes he does, sometimes not
Much easier for general stress or tiredness to kill desire stone dead. - Yes!! The more stressed or down he is feeling in general, the more difficultly getting and keeping it. I did notice this
Less genital sensitivity. Maybe
Takes much longer to orgasm. Not noticed this
Erection is use it or lose it (I generally lose it if I'm going down on DW for example). But I can usually recover it. Yes this. Definitely
Can't ejaculate more than once in 24 hours. He can but it seems more difficult and more likely to lose it with over-use
Sex is very much no longer an itch that needs to be scratched but something I need to work up an appetite more (which means DW helping.) I think it's still an itch, but takes more working up, yes.

A lot of this resonates.

OP posts:
Catullus5 · 01/04/2022 10:00

Glad to be of help. Maybe think of yourself as taking the initiative rather than being assertive. How about this / let's try that - that sort of thing.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 01/04/2022 17:20

@topcat2014

Even 'self service' gets harder ( I am finding) so when you add in a bit of performance anxiety..

Try not to stop all together as starting up again is difficult

^^ this , I’m 52 & fit-ish, but stress, age & infirmity are problems now…
AverageGuy · 01/04/2022 17:20

@dpproblem - I'm almost 60, and have had issues with ED, but they have been mainly psychological, not health or age related, but I will say that the more a man has issues with erections, the more issues with erections he will have...

It's very much a vicious circle, and can be difficult to break. The good news is that he's seen a GP, and that there is nothing obvious wrong. Did he get a testosterone test as well? If not, it might be worth him asking for one.

He probably feels a bit of a failure - it's sometimes a difficult thing for a man to accept that he's not 20 any more..

My personal experience was that I didn't suffer from ED issues until I was in my late 40's, but it coincided with my XW's menopause. I believe the two were related!

Whilst it might be a good idea to be more assertive in the bedroom, it is also a good idea to talk to him. If he is stressed or feeling down, he needs to tell you, he needs to share it with you.

Is there a pattern to his stress / moods?

Somehow you both need to work on making him NOT feel a failure - maybe take PIV off the table for a while. Focus on other things, like just touching and stroking each other, mutual masturbation / oral - maybe get some toys for you to share. if he gets erect, fantastic, move things on (try a cock ring). If he doesn't, or loses it, tell him not to worry about it, but to carry on with what's happening - try to get him back in the room, by focusing on you, rather than his lack of erection.

As for your lack of confidence, it's partially at least related to his apparent lack of desire - "does he fancy me any more?" If you worry about things like that, he will pick it up subconsciously, and it will affect him, which will affect you....

Treat yourself to some lingerie, or something that makes you feel good / sexy - who knows it might be the thing that turns the corner for you! Good luck!

topcat2014 · 01/04/2022 19:58

@dpproblem 50. No health issues.

namechanged9999 · 06/04/2022 23:26

@dpproblem

"It happens less than half the time, often it is okay, but when it happens he gets so frustrated and angry (not scary-to-me-angry, just angry). He has said hurtful things to me like why are you just lying there like a sack of potatoes, why aren't you helping. He will storm off and brood in the next room. I'm so hurt by his words. I'm naturally quite passive in sex but that's never been a problem for us before."

This broke my heart. That's not acceptable and you need to make this clear. It's abusive. He should not take it out on you.

workshy44 · 07/04/2022 17:21

He sounds like an utter dick blaming you. I don't know why the only replies until the last one are how you can help fix HIS problem

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