Difference between being in a rut and actively not wanting sex with that person?

[ohlittlemy]

I understand that in a long term relationship it's difficult to keep the "spark" alive and with busy lives and kids etc we don't always have energy. But what I'm wondering is, what does just "being in a rut" actually feel like vs you just don't want to be like that with that person? I genuinely don't know as have no prior experience.
Does it feel like you'd still want to do it if you had the time/energy or do you have to sort of force yourself to do it to get out of the rut? Fake it til you make it kind of thing?

Actively not wanting to is an unmistakeable recoil (could be mental as well,as physical). There can be physical reasons, but it's often a sign that the relationship is dead.

Being in a rut is when you don't get particularly excited at the prospect, possibly no longer initiate, decide you'd rather have an early night with a good book etc. But when you do get round to it, you're still happy enough (and sometimes even wonder why you don't do it more often). Fake it until you make it to please a beloved partner can have its uses - assuming of course that it's a habit you want to get back in to

I'm finding it hard to figure out which one I'm feeling. DH is the only sexual partner I've had and I know in a LTR things can become stale but he's very much still up for it, it's more my side that's reluctant and it kind of always has been like that. I wouldn't say I have strong recoil or anything, but I just don't feel interested in being intimate at all with him and it's been a while since we were which I think is making it worse as I'm starting to feel quite anxious about it. I know I need to try though, just do it and see how I feel.

Good answer from Auntie Stella about the difference.

I would also add that generally the more you do it, the more you will want to… and so definitely try it several times to give yourself a chance of liking it more again.

I recommend Dagmar O’Connor book ‘ How to make love to the same person for rest of your life (and still love it)’

Might be a bit dated now - I read it 20 years ago, but was excellent if you are genuinely in a rut.