Sexting without the sex

[newtothisworld]

Not sure I'm posting on the right thread but here goes.

Messages have been exchanged for a few months with a guy from many years ago. We're both in committed relationships so I know it's wrong but if anyone has any idea what his game is I'd be grateful for opinions.

He reached out to me after many years. Began friendly, soon became incredibly flirty. The messages and photos we exchanged became filthy and met up once a while ago. We had oral sex but nothing else.

Since then the messages continue but it seems he has no plans to actually meet up for sex. Am I being really stupid here as I thought that would be the point of all the sexting? I deleted pics I sent him and have sent no further ones.

Could he be just using our conversations for wanking material with no real intention of having a full blown affair? I literally have no idea what this is, I'm just becoming more and more frustrated.

Why not ask him? What do you want out of it?

He seems happy with just sexting and flirting. How did you meet him, does he live near you?

It depends what you want out of it really.

We had a fling many years ago and he told me there will always be something between us?! We live within the same town.

I'm living in a sexless marriage and can't leave for other reasons. I guess I just want sex with this guy as the chemistry is incredible and I've never forgotten him either. Maybe it would be shit in reality but at least then I'd know and can put it down to a bad experience.

I'm maybe overthinking it but at the moment I can't see the point of it, other than I enjoy the messages.

Must be soul destroying to be in a sexless relationship. Can't you reconnect with your dh or if he isn't interested suggest an open relationship.

The sexting man doesn't seem interested, maybe try a site to find a fwb arrangement?

We've lived for so many years with no sex or connection in that way it's become normal. Trouble is I don't see my DH in that way anymore, he's like a housemate.

I had no sexual feelings whatsoever until these messages began and now something has reawakened. Tbh I think the appeal of this guy is that he's familiar to me, the thought of sex with a stranger scares me!

C'mon OP - you know the answer to your question- it's that you are both in a committed relationship! He is enjoying the thrill, sexual energy and titillation- while not wanting an actual physical affair. You, on the other hand, are wanting a physical affair - but not wanting to put in the emotional work with someone new, or the emotional work of fixing your relationship or the emotional work of ending your relationship.
The thing with 'cake eating' sex is that there is always someone getting more cake and someone getting less, and someone getting none.

@Seadad thanks for your reply - maybe I'm being naive here but why on earth would he have got in touch? What is the point in just sexting?!
I've never behaved like this during my marriage before and now it all seems pretty pointless.

Hi @newtothisworld - honestly- a lot of people really get off on 'virtual' sex - particularly as an outlet for their sexuality that can't be expressed or enjoyed in their relationship, or just for the novelty. If done secretly amd without consent of a partner- most people would consider it cheating - and there is obviously something fulfilling in engaging in sexual arousal and expression and exchanging intimacy with another person, as opposed to porn or erotica. And that is what you provide you say yourself that you've enjoyed it too - it's just that you want to take it further, perhaps because the void is bigger in your life where as your OM still has sex with his DW.

Ahh ok, then I am naive. I hadn't really thought of it like that....clearly he is experienced in such behaviour in my opinion.

I have been feeling a bit like our conversations are the warm up act before he jumps into bed with his partner, whereas I'm just left frustrated. Ummm probably time to call it a day!

@newtothisworld - don't just call it a day - take it as a sign that you need to fix things, you're not in a good place and this could make your life spiral out of control. Maybe post on the relationships board - that you're in a sexless marriage and why you feel you can't escape. There is lots of good advice there!

Thanks @Seadad I will take a look.
You're right I'm definitely not in a good place - my life is unrecognisable from what it was 6 months ago.