Advice about sex please.

[neesbees]

A bit of background.
My dh is a quiet, kind and shy man.
He has a bit of a thing of being quite small penis wise.
He asked me about it once and I did say i agreed but that it didnt matter.
He is aware of prev partners who were tall men who he thus assumes were bigger.
Anyway, i didnt know how to handle to conversation other than reassure him ... had not been asked about this sort of thing before.
In addition to this we also hit a dry spot due to teens in house, work pressures..
Both contributed to less sex , then no sex ...
In a nutshell he has totally stopped approaching me.
Ive talked to him about it .. he just didnt.
He said he would like to have sex again , but feels out of touch with me in that area.
We get on well, but operate as flat mates who care about each other.

The trouble is with this is it just contrubutes to a platonic dynamic .. and now I no longer fancy him, but do have a sex drive. I suspect it is the same for him
.
He never brings it up.

I feel therefore that it will never happen again if i dont persue it?

When I asked him he said he wanted to but that he thinks we should get to know each other more and reconnect first.
His suggestion was we have a series of days / nights out to bond more first.
This was 6 months ago.
Life gets in the way.. but we allow it ? Dc , work et .
I really dont know what to do. He says he wants intimacy but does not seem to risk putting himself out there.?
I am torn between just leaving it or pursuing it ..? It feels very much like my responsibility..
I must admit that him leaving it to me feels like a turn off in that its either he cant be bothered or dare not take the risk. Neither feel attractive in a sexual way to me yet I do have care for him.
I feel like if I do all the running due to his overt lack of confidence, it makes him less attractive to me if that makes sense?
He says it will sort itself out if we take the time but to be honest we are not that young amd months are turning into years!
My friend said he has lost his confidence so its up to me to restore it ( and said buy some saucy underwear and say come on then..) .. any thoughts on that? It feels like stalemate due to above factors.I kmow he loves me .I AM compassionate but feelimg sorry for him isnt inflamimg any passion either as Id like him to take the driving seat. He knows this. He repeats lets get closer first.. but we are becommimg more and more like friends. I tell him he looks nice .
(Ps we are not going to go for councelling. )
We last discussed this 4 months ago. I left it with him to bring up since then. He has not and i honeslty think if i leave it he will never talk about it again and we will just get old! ( in50s)

.. and its not that small anyway .!

The last comment was being flippant. Sorry. Just a bit tired of it .

I'm sorry this is happening for you @neesbees.
Have you heard of sexual currency? It's everything we do that isn't sex but could develop that intimacy that leads to sex. The touches & longer kisses etc. This would be a good step towards building up to sex.
This might explain more: <a class="break-all" href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/may/10/sexual-healing-using-lockdown-to-ignite-desire#:~:text=Sexual%20currency%20can%20be%20defined,each%20other%20in%20the%20kitchen.www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/may/10/sexual-healing-using-lockdown-to-ignite-desire#:~:text=Sexual%20currency%20can%20be%20defined,each%20other%20in%20the%20kitchen" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">sexualcurrency

Thankyou. I feel really ' stuck' and will look at that article.

Bump

This isn't just going to happen.

You need to plan it in. Protect the time for your dates.

I know you want him to bring it up, but he hasn't in 4 months, so you need to. He probably wants you to be in the driving seat. He wants to feel desired and wanted too.

Tell him that x night you're looking at the calendar together so you can plan in the dates he wants to have to get to know each other again. Tell him he's planning the dates on x and y days, and you'll plan on a & b days.

No expectation of sex, but time where you can reconnect. And absolutely do not talk about your sex life during your dates. Have a list of questions that will act as openers for interesting conversation. A quick Google will help with that.

All the best.

We have been having weekly date days on our day of already. ....

If that hasn't worked @neesbees I would say you need to level up. Have the date night but in the lead up to it, tell him how much you're looking forward to it. Maybe text him during the day to give a hint of what you might want to do sexually. See if that excites him & you.
From what you've said, I do think you need to bite the bullet & take the lead here. Without going into lots of detail, were there things that you used to do that you both enjoyed before? Could you mention that in conversation & say you want to do that again. I do think little comments or lots of kisses/touching through the day might hopefully get you in the mood for something later on. You probably need this lead up to sex or it will feel odd with it being a while.
It does sound like you've reached a bit of an impasse and its worth laying your cards on the table by saying sex is important to you. Then see if you can agree to have a nice date night that night, but make it clear that you'd really like that to involve sex, if he's in agreement. I know this is obvious, but I do think the more sex you have, the more you want and the less you have, the less you want.
Good luck OP, I hope things improve for you.

Thankyou. I thinkhe has lost his confidence and developèd poor body image.
I will try these things.
My difficulty is takimg the lead as I find the idea of him taking the lead a turn on.
We did used to have sex weekly in the afteenoon with proseco . I think i f I mentioned that he wd like the IDEA of it ,but not do anything for reasons above.

Have him buy a copy of "The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld and read it.

It's a bit American in tone, but quite good content if you can get past that.

If he's lost body confidence and sex drive, perhaps it's time to go back to basics..? Being intimate doesn't have to involve sex every time. You can be naked together without that pressure. Take a bath together. Put towels on the bed and give each other a massage. Re-learn each other's bodies and how you both like to be touched, without the pressure of getting genitals involved. In fact, agree beforehand that sex is off the table and your evening will just be about spending some naked time together, kissing and cuddling. There's some great books and websites on tantra that might be helpful.

I appreciate your comment about "My difficulty is taking the lead as I find the idea of him taking the lead a turn on." I get that, and I really hope that in the fulness of time your husband will step up to that again, but don't let his lack of initiative now prevent you from re-kindling things.

I initiate most of the time, but any time my wife makes a move I do feel valued and loved by her taking a step towards me in whatever form that takes.

Thanks all . It was also good to hear a males perspective.

Your situation sounds like mine, but with the wife and husband roles reversed.

Counselling will help a little. You can at least air your true feelings in a safe space.