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Original poster

Shy partner and BDSM

13 replies

Pisces89 · 23/02/2022 11:48

NC for this!

Couple of weeks ago Myself and DP (more myself) bought online a introductory bondage set for beginners that I wanted to try with DP.... believe it or not the beginners kit included quite um a lot... it includes handcuffs, blindfolds, feet restraints, a whip, feather and a ball gag (!!) both of us never used anything like this before.

We've been together a while and really wanted to finally introduce this into the bedroom! We have not had a lot of previous partners or experience so everything is with ourselves, as we have been together since we were 17 (we are both now 29). Before using these sort of things we had only ever used light dildos on me or vibrators.... DP was never that vocal or made any effort trying anything new.

Soon as I pulled out the 'stuff' I had bought as a surprise DP wanted to use it ALL on me, he was completely all for it!! It was so hot. I was surprised as he hadn't instigated he wanted to try this all before.

I'm wondering why he hadn't mentioned this to me before... he had lightly said he was into 'tying me up' but nothing really came of it and no effort from him... why would he say he was into it but not make any effort?! Is this a shy man thing?

I want to use it all again but feel I'm a bit fed up of instigating it. If he was so into it why isn't he asking to try it more? Maybe it's me?

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Shunter350 · 23/02/2022 12:16

Bloke here.
I think that's lovely.
From my own perspective I would be reluctant to introduce this into my bedroom simply because it would be seen as another male dominance thing.
My current partner and I are otherwise adventurous and we are both very caring and tactile. She even said at the start of our relationship she was "no prude".. but somehow I just can't mention light bondage to her.
However last night when messaging she mentioned she was watching Fifty Shades...
I think also there is a perception that nice middle aged people don't do that sort of thing. Absolute nonsense I know but there you go..

Original poster
Pisces89 · 23/02/2022 12:22

Thanks for your response @Shunter350

Yes it’s absolute nonsense- I just don’t think a lot of it is spoken about!

I think there was a reluctance from my partner also to introduce it to me and an anxiety on his side that I wouldn’t ‘like it’ and think of him as strange for even bringing up the subject… from experience in my life I don't know a lot of woman my age who enjoy that during sex but again it could all be hush hush Confused

I agree also with the caring and tactile part you mention. We are the same so this sort of thing is very out the blue for us to invest our ‘private time’ in and change up something so personal to us both.

Well the fifty shades is certainly a start GrinGrin

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VictorianRose · 23/02/2022 14:44

I am late 50s and my DH is 60 and we have been together since our teenage years. Neither of us had any previous partners so we have had to figure stuff out ourselves.

Anyhow, around 3 or so years back we did what you might call 'light bdsm play'. Once again we were clueless. It turns out that we both enjoyed it. Fast forward 3 years and I absolutely adore being tied up and we moved into Shibari (Japanese rope bondage). I found out the tighter the better which once again we only found out recently. The issue now is that I flippin well orgasm too early the tighter the rope is. Quite funny really.

Back to your point. My DH asked me a few weeks back if I enjoyed what we do as I do not really speak about it. I explained that the evidence is right in front of him. He said that he tells me he loves me although I already know it. What he meant was although it seemed obvious I needed to tell him. I explained further that when we are in the moment I am a very different person and I can express myself easily. Once out of that moment I find it more difficult. Maybe your DP is the same?

Shunter350 · 23/02/2022 14:55

@VictorianRose

I am late 50s and my DH is 60 and we have been together since our teenage years. Neither of us had any previous partners so we have had to figure stuff out ourselves.

Anyhow, around 3 or so years back we did what you might call 'light bdsm play'. Once again we were clueless. It turns out that we both enjoyed it. Fast forward 3 years and I absolutely adore being tied up and we moved into Shibari (Japanese rope bondage). I found out the tighter the better which once again we only found out recently. The issue now is that I flippin well orgasm too early the tighter the rope is. Quite funny really.

Back to your point. My DH asked me a few weeks back if I enjoyed what we do as I do not really speak about it. I explained that the evidence is right in front of him. He said that he tells me he loves me although I already know it. What he meant was although it seemed obvious I needed to tell him. I explained further that when we are in the moment I am a very different person and I can express myself easily. Once out of that moment I find it more difficult. Maybe your DP is the same?

That's really interesting @VictorianRose. I know it's my own insecurities but if I was tied up tightly ( or doing the thing up ) I would worry that the "dom" would keel over or the house catch fire ..Confused
Original poster
Pisces89 · 23/02/2022 14:56

@VictorianRose that sounds amazing! I can only envy. How is the conversation dropped between you both that one of you would like to 'engage' in that one evening? Who brings the subject up?

Yes you may be the right. My partner expresses that he loves it within the moment (very much so) but outside the moment he doesn't verbalise his thoughts as much as I would have hoped (I am one for communication in everything otherwise I overthink!) he is a deep thinker and keeps a lot inside. I'm more vocal. I will bring the subject up with him again soon or maybe 'place' them on the bed Grin

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VictorianRose · 23/02/2022 15:19

@Shunter350 If you find that your anxiety or in this case catastrophising is taking away your freedom then I would recommend looking into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT. My DH spent a lot of time on this and it changed his outlook. There are some wonderful books especially by Steven Hayes. Sorry bit off topic.

@Pisces89 We don't have a conversation it just happens and I guess that is now who we are in the bedroom. It is just natural and we absolutely don't over analyse things at all. We also don't label anything which I guess is because we never had any previous experience. Yes you could call me the 'sub' but a term is only what you decide it should mean so for us there is no point. I adore being the subject of his actions and he adores being in charge. Outside of the bedroom it is nothing like this at all.

Original poster
Pisces89 · 23/02/2022 15:25

@VictorianRose thanks I hope we can get to that point. It's the natural flow of not having to verbalise 'what we want' that I am really striving for.

That's the same as us. I am also very much the sub in the bedroom but outside it's another story- I'm writing his to do lists!! Grin

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ColdWaterSwimming · 23/02/2022 16:10

NC for this, I’m a man.

@Pisces89 it may be that men are a little reluctant to be too open as it might be seen as being pervy or manipulative. Sometimes fantasies are best left that way.

I’m in a new (about 4 months) relationship and DP recently opened up during sex that she’d like to be “dominated a bit” and we’re in the process of working out what that means. So far it’s only along the lines of holding her down and controlling when she is allowed to orgasm.

I’ve organised a lot of old silk ties and will see if being tied up/down is an attractive idea.

I think her boundaries are quite restricted -she has mentioned more than once refusing a partner to use nipple clamps on her, and one who offended her badly by hitting her without warning or permission, which turned out to be slapping her backside and not her face as I’d first thought. Lucky for me, I think I’d find it difficult to hurt a woman even if she wanted it.

She did “find” a corset in her wardrobe, and she likes being laced into it. On the first occasion we went out to the shops with her wearing only the corset under a coat, plus boots. What turns her on is the constriction feeling rather than the look of it because I’ve not got her in front of a mirror in it yet!

Ideas please on any other activity along the lines of constriction?

Ttcfinalbub · 23/02/2022 16:13

Couple things to think about here

  1. Being practicality and time - usually the best sessions come from a having a good few hours to really enjoy it.
  2. I think men sometimes worry about asking for it too much incase you then think that they're too into it.
Buttt if you want a sure fire way for him to instigate it and you know each other emotionally and sexually fairly well find your inner brat it make him need to rectify that ;)
Original poster
Pisces89 · 23/02/2022 16:40

@Ttcfinalbub thanks! Ref the 'inner brat' - we both play around like that very often... just ends up with a quick spank on my but never leads to bedroom Blush Creative thinking to happen from me I think Grin

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Original poster
Pisces89 · 23/02/2022 16:44

@ColdWaterSwimming thanks for your comment you are right about the worry in regards to what men may be seen as. There is anxiety around my partner I'm sure of it. I did act like I really enjoyed it according to him so I hoped he may have wanted to instigate it again but not yet.

I do find a man that likes to dominate so SO hot though so nothing to be ashamed about from my DP Sad but yes every woman is different.... it's knowing your partner I think. If you've been with someone only recently of course you are still testing the waters like you say. Good luck Grin

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Ttcfinalbub · 23/02/2022 16:46

Aww damnit ! But great you have the relationship you can without anyone sulking! If you're apart all day can build it up by message and increase brat level in response to the bum smack ! Creative thinking can have awesome build up in itself ! Have fun!! Grin

Original poster
Pisces89 · 23/02/2022 16:52

@Ttcfinalbub I will try the texting! Good idea, we haven't done that in a while and seems to work with my DP although his first responses are typically always 'what do you mean and 'really' exhausting sometimes 🤦🏻‍♀️Grin haha

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