No orgasms, can’t miss what you’ve never had!

[Shebacatofnewcastle]

I’ve always been shy in bed and after meeting dp after 8 years of being single and sexless I was very nervous, as was he as he’d only had one short term sexual partner and was inexperienced. But to my shock I was very comfortable and we’ve done things I’d never have attempted before due to how shy I am. Sex with him started amazingly I let myself be vulnerable for the first time to any man, but the down side is that I have never had an orgasm from him (or any man in fact).
There was one time he got me close but then made a joke about how much I was shivering and tried to warm me up, except that’s what happens when I’m close to an orgasm, I wasn’t cold. I felt embarrassed and went along with it rather than confessing I was close, almost like I was ashamed of it.
Since then I have been really shy and embarrassed once again and my relaxed comfortable state has disappeared. I’m essentially laying down like a log and let him get on with it because I know I won’t orgasm and he won’t try to help me along so I don’t see the point of getting into it.
Once it’s over I feel really upset but hide it from him. It’s like he has no idea women are capable of an orgasm too. I’ve dropped many hints and spoke about things we could try which was a big statement for me to say out loud. I told him I’d go to Ann summers and finish myself off as I got fed up but he thought I was joking and laughed it off. I’ve been brave enough to try it on with him but he made a joke about me being a sex pest so of course I withdrew from doing that too.
I feel really stupid because I know it’s something that can be worked on and cleared up with communication, but where I’m so shy I can’t build the words to explain what I want without feeling embarrassed and awkward. Plus I don’t want to upset him by making him think he’s doing it all wrong.
It’s been 5 months now and I’m getting sexually frustrated because I'm basically being teased knowing there won’t be an orgasm and I don’t even have the care for it to finish myself off, I just switch off. I don’t even let myself enjoy it anymore.
Sex is a big deal to me because I feel like it helps you get closer and more intimate as a couple so that part of our relationship is dead in my mind and I left my ex for a similar reason. He didn’t know how to make me orgasm and I was too shy to tell him so I had a 3 year relationship without a single orgasm.
Any advice for a frustrated extremely shy 30 year old please?

Typo 5 years not 8*

Firstly, there is nothing to be ashamed of regarding how your body reacts. Two simple words for you to say - "don't stop"...

It's a worry that he doesn't realise women can orgasm as well - doesn't speak well of his previous experiences. Was your previous partner experienced? If not, maybe you've just been unlucky.

Lying back and thinking of England will get you nowhere.

Open communication is always a good thing. I understand you are shy, but you've managed to talk about your sex life to a group of complete strangers (I realise the anonymity helps!)

With that in mind, and assuming that you want to stay with him, and make it work for you both, you could try something like sitting back to back, so that you don't actually see him or his reactions, or maybe being in a different room, and ringing his mobile, but you do need to talk to him.

You need to try and make him understand he needs to look after you, and that sex is a mutually pleasurable thing, not just for one half of the pair.

But. if you don't see a future with him, then is there any point making the effort? Maybe the right thing to do is to cut your losses, and move on?

Whatever you do, I think you need to take some "me" time - get him out of the house for a couple of hours, and take time to explore your own body - if you can't make yourself orgasm, then you can't help him help you.

Excellent advice, as always, from @AverageGuy

Your partner doesn't sound like a particularly generous lover. I think you have to find a way to spell it out to him or cut your losses and move on. Life is too short to be having rubbish sex.

Thanks for replying. I do want us to last because our relationship is everything I ever wanted (excluding the sex side of it).
I have only been with selfish men in bed unfortunately so I have nothing direct to compare with, just that I know sex isn’t supposed to be like this and you’re right I shouldn’t feel ashamed for wanting to enjoy it too, but letting myself be vulnerable then feeling embarrassed by it has made me clam up.
It’s easy for me to write it down, saying it out loud is where the shyness kicks in and I do struggle to explain myself fully. I did text him a message a couple of months ago saying I was disappointed with our sex life and he said he’d try harder to make it adventurous, but sadly it’s still a quick fumble in missionary then once he’s done it’s over. If I repeatedly bring up the subject I worry it’ll drive a wedge between us because he’ll see it that I’m implying I hate having sex with him or he’d bad in bed etc.
I know what would work for me but I’m not one of those women who can orgasm after a few minutes of stimulation, it would likely take a long time and it rarely lasts long enough to reach that point.

@PinotPony - Thank you - that's more than kind. I'm blushing...

@Shebacatofnewcastleok, so you want to make it work, that's lovely. However, life without a good sex life isn't a life at all. Have a look at how many people are on here talking about how long it's been without sex, or without orgasms, or being with someone selfish - it's a lot.

Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with an unsatisfying sex life or selfish partner. I'm pretty sure the answer will be no, and I'm speaking from personal experience.

I completely get it. You let your guard down, allowed yourself to be venerable, and he just blundered on regardless (and continues to do so) That has to stop.

A little direct here, but - you do know it's ok to say "no", right? No sex until he spends time on you? Nothing for him until you get yours?

If he is getting what he wants, without putting in any effort, and he thinks you are ok with that, why would he change?

I don't think being adventurous is what you need right now. IMHO, I'd say what you need is firstly to be able to make yourself orgasm, and then a man that will make you the priority - we can be trained - just think carrot & stick!

Maybe insist on no PIV for a time (depending on how often you DTD) - just foreplay. Once you've had that first, er, moment, then things will probably progress naturally...

Thank you I agree great advice and I do appreciate it
He did attempt to play around a while back and I felt more embarrassed that the focus was solely on me so I made him stop.
I did grow up where sex was seen as a dirty sin so I guess that could be contributing to why I hold back, as I know if I told him and we made effort this wouldn’t be an issue but again it’s the shyness ruining that.
You’re right I need to act on it now because no I don’t want a sexless unhappy relationship like I had before. It’s wording it correctly that will be the issue.

@Shebacatofnewcastle - "I did grow up where sex was seen as a dirty sin so I guess that could be contributing" - oh yes! Most definitely! I positively hate that attitude

I think maybe you need to be happy with how sex is approached before getting him on board. Perhaps talking to a (female!) sex councillor might help? Maybe others can suggest something else.

I still think taking time to explore your own body is a good first step - definitely needs to be done in an empty house initially... Have a nice relaxing bath, and just do what feels good.

Check out OMGYes and the Ferly app. Great resources for all things orgasm related.

Thank you hopefully I’ll be back soon bragging about my amazing orgasms

Great advice from @AverageGuy and @PinotPony. My DW has just shared her login for OMGYes - and it is excellent.

If a book would work for your partner, I can recommend The New Male Sexuality: The Truth About Men, Sex and Pleasure by Bernie Zilbergeld.

Another thing you could look into, either by yourselves or with a sex therapist would be some sensate focus practice - which involves turn taking and focussing on what you each feel rather than an end goal of orgasm for your DP.

Still in the same boat sadly. Had one evening where it seemed to be going well then I suddenly felt very embarrassed and awkward so I stopped. No attempts of trying to make me satisfied, just a few pokes and it’s over, sorry to be crass. I felt resentful and didn’t want to carry on. Given up dropping hints because he says he’ll try but when it comes down to the nitty gritty he doesn’t bother. I’m too embarrassed to say it face to face, he even turned me down when I tried it on with him later that day so that’s battered my confidence even more. Here’s to a long life of no orgasms, have one on me ladies

@Shebacatofnewcastle - no, no, no NO! You absolutely do NOT have to put up with that.

Have you had the opportunity of some, er, alone time? Nothing wrong with a little masturbation now and then.

Regarding your current relationship, I get that it's very difficult to speak to him, but if you a) want to stay with him and b) want a satisfying sex life (and it's possible the two may be incompatible - Life is far far too short to spend in a relationship with someone that doesn't seem to consider your pleasure.) then you must.

If you just can't bring yourself to talk to him, can you maybe write how you feel and what you want down, and email it to him? (personal email address, not work one... )

Otherwise, I fear you may end up resenting him, and leaving him, or, as you say, spend the rest of your life without orgasms... And that's just too sad to contemplate.

Thanks for popping back again appreciate it :)
I’ve completely switched off now unfortunately, have no interest in sex or even bothered about having an orgasm again. I was so confident at the beginning and was happy to try anything, now I’m scared to let myself be vulnerable and it’s essentially a repeat of what happened with my ex. I can’t leave him over something like this but yeah I will probably resent him so no sex is best for now until I’ve got myself mentally comfortable enough to talk to him.
I tried to word it nicely, and laughed while saying ‘hey what about my fun it’s not just over because you’re finished’ to not come across angry, but he just laughed back
The stubborn side of me now tells me if I directly say I want you to give me an orgasm that I won’t want him to or let myself because I had to ask for it. Yes I clearly have issues but I thought most men would naturally make sure their girlfriend orgasms and would feel awful realising they never have.

@Shebacatofnewcastle - I'm sorry it's gone that way for you - don't give up! You deserve better!

"I thought most men would naturally make sure their girlfriend orgasms" I'm afraid not.

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that in a lot (most?) of cases, the guy focuses on his own pleasure, and whatever pleasure his partner gets is secondary / arbitrary. I'm very ashamed to say that I was like that once.

I am very very different now. I'm not particularly worried about my own orgasm. I'm happy to spend a lot of time focusing on my partner - I get a huge amount of pleasure from theirs - and if I don't finish, it's fine - there's always next time!

Your partner/future partner is a very lucky lady!

I echo what has been said previously. Make him wait for PIV. You don't have to speak if that's awkward for you. Just make access difficult. Foreplay only ends when you are ready and he'll be highly motivated to please you.

I can’t leave him over something like this
Yes, you can. Sex is a really important part of an adult relationship. You are trying to communicate with him. He doesn't seem to be listening. Maybe in bed is not right time to talk about it, for you?

Your partner should absolutely have your pleasure as part of the relationship. If not he is being selfish. That's no life partner.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation @Shebacatofnewcastle
As always, wise and supportive words shared by the posters above.
I think you deserve to get this right for yourself and then it will be easier to tell your partner what you need. I would really recommend looking at the work of Jenny Keane www.jennykeane.com/holisticsexeducation
She does workshops for women but some for couples too. Maybe try following her on Instagram to get an idea of what she does @ hello Jenny Keane. She posts lots of similar situations to yours on her stories.

Another useful person to follow on Instagram is Shaun Galanos @ The Love Drive. His work is around relationships but also how to communicate within them to get what you want & need. He's quite straight talking and gives good advice from a man's perspective.
His website is www.shaungalanos.com/courses/getting-your-needs-met-course/