Husband doesn’t want a threesome.

[DontWantTheRivalry]

I’ve always had some level of attraction to women and when I was 22 years old I had a 6 month fling with another woman and it was amazing.

I’m now 37 and although I’ve never had a sexual encounter with a woman since that occasion 15 years ago I still find some women attractive.

My husband does not know about the sexual relationship I had with a woman when I was 22 and he has no idea that I find some women attractive.

Anyhow, a few months ago I bought up the topic of threesomes thinking it would be a good way for me to have some sexual activity with a woman again but my husband completely shut me down. He knew I was referring to two females but he still kept asking me if he wasn’t enough for me anymore. He just took offence to the suggestion and seemed to think I was accusing him of lacking in the bedroom department, which he isn’t at all.

I was genuinely surprised as I thought most men liked the idea of a threesome with two other women?

I want to bring it up with him again as maybe his initial reaction was just due to him being in shock that I’d even suggested it, whereas if I mention it again it won’t be as much as a surprise.

But nor do I want to ‘push’ the issue as I don’t want him to think that I’m not happy with our sex life because I am.

Do I need to just let it go?

I don't think this will go anywhere. He has made his feelings clear and he doesn't want to. I think it is a bit of an urban myth that all men would like a threesome...maybe if young free and single but not married.

Maybe best not tell him about your experience either as that might start sowing seeds of doubt etc. I would be gutted if my husband disclosed he liked men...and I speak as some one that had a sexual experience with another women when in my 20s...had no idea I would enjoy it but she just seduced me and and gave me the most amazing time in bed. But I know being married I can't repeat it

Yes you need to let it go. He doesn't want to do it. It's a lot to ask really. It's not like asking him to try a new sex position or something. He doesn't want to share you and he doesn't want to have sex with another woman.

I think you need to let it go, it is obviously something he isn’t interested in and I think you need to respect that.

Any continued conversation about it could end up pushing him away

He's said no which means no. Continuing to push it hoping he backs down would be very wrong.

You need to accept his answer. He may be very hurt, considering his reaction, and his feelings are valid. There’s nothing wrong with threesomes in a fully consensual environment, but you have a lot of growing up to do if you think you should push it because you think ‘most men want threesomes’. My husband would be appalled and terribly upset; it would rock the foundations of our relationship badly. If you can’t be content within the boundaries your husband has then this isn’t the relationship for you or him.

You need to accept his answer. He may be very hurt, considering his reaction, and his feelings are valid.

I guess I’m just intrigued as to why he reacted the way he did.

If I said I wanted another man to join us in the bedroom then I can imagine that might hurt his feelings as he’d obviously be wondering if he wasn’t enough for me but I guess I just don’t understand why he felt hurt by the thought of another woman being involved.

I don’t want to bring it up again in terms of trying to talk him into it, because I would never do that, but I would like to ask him why he reacted badly to my light hearted suggestion.

I’m completely happy with our sex life it was just a fantasy that I thought I would throw out there. I can accept he doesn’t want it though and it’s certainly not something I’m going to make an issue of.

I guess he is hurt as the thought of involving anyone else has made him feel like he isn’t enough, doesn’t matter if it is another male or female it is the fact that you need someone else

Yes, let it go.

My sister's marriage ended because she tried to initiate a threesome with her hubby and besty. Hubby said he wanted nothing to do with it. No intention of watching his wife cheat on him. Sister went ahead anyway thinking he'd get into it when he saw what was happening.

It's a lie that all men want a threesome with 2 girls. Listen to your husband's boundaries and respect them.

Sister went ahead anyway thinking he'd get into it when he saw what was happening.

That’s awful. Do you think your sister had feelings for her friend?

@DontWantTheRivalry

Sister went ahead anyway thinking he'd get into it when he saw what was happening.

That’s awful. Do you think your sister had feelings for her friend?

Nope. They were just horny and a jokey kiss for the boys turned into "shall we?"

It’s not cheating if you’re honest about it.

The word “cheating” in this context seems utterly bizarre.

@j712adrian

It’s not cheating if you’re honest about it.

The word “cheating” in this context seems utterly bizarre.

Whether it's cheating or not is almost irrelevant. If the OP's husband doesn't want to be involved in it then that's that just like if it was the other way around. Not every man in the world has that as their fantasy or more to the point, wanting to turn fantasy into reality.

If it's not about cheating it is about overstepping boundaries. If this is not necessarily the former, it certainly is the latter (as of course is cheating).

OP, you know your husband best so you may have other reasons for being surprised by his reaction, but I'm fascinated that you think that a threesome with two women is something most married men would actually want, rather than just fantasise about. I'm of entirely the same mind as your husband. It's not something that I would want, ever. If my wife suggested it I would smile and say no; if she pushed it I would feel very threatened.

I think this is an entirely normal reaction by your husband. Perhaps it only seems surprising because it's the opposite of the sort of reaction that tends to be celebrated.

@Isitsixoclockalready

The one thing that's superb about the internet is that if you think something is "irrelevant" is that you don't need to say anything about it. Unless of course you have a bit of a problem with what other people think....... which unfortunately, I can't help you with, but there are people with qualifications who can.

Lot of American conservatives on here aren't there?

Let it go. He's made his feelings clear about it.

Its a myth. All my previous partners wouldn't have liked it.
My DP now would also say no and probably end the relationship if I pushed it.
For the record - I've never asked for one and it's not something that tickles my fancy in the slightest.

If I said I wanted another man to join us in the bedroom then I can imagine that might hurt his feelings as he’d obviously be wondering if he wasn’t enough for me but I guess I just don’t understand why he felt hurt by the thought of another woman being involved.

You realise that a woman is still a person, right? That you having sexual needs being met by another person is what he feels threatened by...? And also that if you want women that is wanting something that he isn't, that can't feel great either.

The issue here is that you're not asking the right questions.

You've jokingly suggested a threesome and mistakenly thought he'd be up for it, because it's a huge stereotype that all men fantasise about a FMF. He's shut you down, probably because he feels insecure about the idea of another person (male or female) in your bed.

You might find you get a better understanding of how DH feels if you were honest. Tell him that you are satisfied with your sex life and with him and you have no intention of changing that relationship... but you think that you're attracted to women and you're trying to process that and have questions about your sexuality. It doesn't mean you act on it or change anything but you need him to know why you suggested a threesome. It might be that neither of you has a "solution" but I think it's always better if your partner knows how you're feeling and vice versa.

The worst thing to do is leave things bottled up. Chances are you'll just get more frustrated and he'll get more insecure.

I was genuinely surprised as I thought most men liked the idea of a threesome with two other women?

It's a bit of a porno fantasy, at the end of the day you are asking your DH to accept a third party into your relationship when he has signed up to monogamy.

Mine would be v upset and take it personally. We both like things kind of simple. I understand your DH. The promise was monogamy.

You've raised the subject and he has said no.

Part of the issue could be that you've never let him know that you had a FF relationship when you were younger.

No must mean no. If a man kept pushing his female partner for a threesome after she'd said no if would righty be very frowned upon, (at best).

My wife and I have had a number of threesome, both FFM and MMF. Before we started inviting others into our marriage we had long honest and frank discussions about it.

One thing we agreed on is that if either one of us decides we no longer want to go along this route we would both stop, immediately and without question, and only the person who stopped it could raise it again if they wanted to recommence it.

Turn it round. If your husband suggested a threesome with another bloke with the suggestion that it was for his benefit to play with another man, would you be as accepting?

If he is enough, you'll let it drop, if you can't do that, you are basically showing him he isn't enough and you want more.

I would recommend Tongue Tied by Stella Harris