Only comes when watching me

[Athrawes]

I have been with my new partner for a couple of months. I really like him, I know he wants to please me. He's been single a while and has a pretty heavy handed masturbating style, a far firmer grip than I can possibly replicate! I've always thought I have pretty good head but there's just no way that I can do to him what he does to himself.
He has come inside me a few times but more often than not finishes himself off whilst looking at me. He really likes to watch me play with myself while he finishes.
I mean, if it was the other way around, no one would think it odd that a woman needed more than PIV to orgasm, so in a way, it's ok.
But I really miss that sense of closeness when a man comes inside me.
And I feel inadequate. There, I've said it...it's actually about me.
What to do, think, feel?

I'm a bloke and pretty much the same , takes me ages to come .
It's nothing to do with what you are doing t
There are ways of overcoming the "death grip" though

@Wonnle would you want to, overcome that death grip? Or is it actually ok for you? It's not like he can't know...so do I discuss it?

[quote Athrawes]@Wonnle would you want to, overcome that death grip? Or is it actually ok for you? It's not like he can't know...so do I discuss it?[/quote]
I have overcome it myself , there is loads of instructional stuff on the net , I come nearly every time my partner gives me a BJ/HJ now without having to finish myself off.

I'd mention it to him , it might be just a case of him letting himself go and being able to orgasm with you giving the BJ/HJ . In my case most of the time when my partner was doing it i was so close but just couldn't get there

Oh dear - the term “death grip” is a conservative American “no fap” concept and really nothing to do with reality.

@wonnie how long did it take to overcome?

A counsellor will tell you the way to explore these things is with caring curiosity. Start from telling him that you feel good when cums in you, rather than saying you feel inadequate when he doesn't. Then ask what he likes. He might be fine with it. Hopefully he will hear your preference, and then you can work towards a mutually happy ending. If he dismisses the subject, he might be feeing sensitive about it, so tread carefully. Men can get quite hung up about sexual performance and find it difficult to talk about it, so try to use empathy.
Good luck to you both.❤

@j712adrian

Oh dear - the term “death grip” is a conservative American “no fap” concept and really nothing to do with reality.

This. It's based on an assumption that if a man wanks too hard he desensitizes his cock. In fact there are many reasons for lack of sensitivity, e.g. antidepressants, lack of arousal, age, performance anxiety and so forth, and a man may try to compensate by using a very firm grip. Don't confuse the symptom for the cause.

OP, please note that none of the above are things to do with you and so you should not feel inadequate.

I wouldn’t be too bothered
He’s coming
Your coming
I like what Estherpologist
Suggests

It took my partner 18 months to come with me the first time. I did think it was never going to happen. It's now more often than not.
He'd been single for around 12 years before we got together.
When I asked what changed he said that he stopped masturbating completely for 3 weeks before and just doing something different with me was something he could then retrain his body to (in a way). He also said it was a trust thing as he'd been badly treated by his ex which left him emotionally quite scarred.
It isn't you, but I do understand the feelings of inadequacy. Just keep talking and I am guessing that you'll get to the point when he can more easily.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

It took my partner 18 months to come with me the first time. I did think it was never going to happen. It's now more often than not. He'd been single for around 12 years before we got together. When I asked what changed he said that he stopped masturbating completely for 3 weeks before and just doing something different with me was something he could then retrain his body to (in a way). He also said it was a trust thing as he'd been badly treated by his ex which left him emotionally quite scarred. It isn't you, but I do understand the feelings of inadequacy. Just keep talking and I am guessing that you'll get to the point when he can more easily.

How long would you try making him climax as obviously it was a long journey and could be frustrating?

@Indigoo03 we would be having sex for hours usually. Long hours to the point I had to stop as I'd be sore or just plain bored.

He could perhaps masturbate after 2/3 and come that way but that was unsatisfying for both of us in the end.
It is really hard I won't lie.
It's a lot better now though so it was ultimately worthwhile. And meanwhile he is definitely the best lover I've had so I wouldn't give him up.

My partner suffers the same I think. Did he avoid masturbating outside of sex?

@j712adrian

Oh dear - the term “death grip” is a conservative American “no fap” concept and really nothing to do with reality.

I agree with the American thing. I always wondered if it was their habit of mutilating boys that contributed.

On the contrary @Catullus5 the constant reference to an imaginary sin which men apparently commit in (gasp!) accessing sexual pleasure is everything to do with me. And I'd thank you very much for your sexist tone on such imaginary offences again fertility.

Sorry - I don't understand the reply.

There is condition that some men can have called delayed ejaculation, not linked to masturbation techniques, that can have the same kinda symptoms

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/delayed-ejaculation/symptoms-causes/syc-20371358

My new partner is similar. Except he won't cum when looking at me...he begins to wank over me, then says "no, stop, sorry" and stops himself. Then starts again. Then gets coy and stops again.

I've tried to reassure him I actually like him cumming on me, and he has no issue doing it when he's drunk. It's a real shyness thing with him.

I too want him to cum inside me more, but that's a whole ED problem, which he's slowly calming down over. It's a very good day if he enters me and remains hard for more than 5 seconds.

This is now 10 months in. It's got better since the start.

Persevere OP. Keep being understanding and remind him what you like him doing. It's a fine line to walk encouraging and not sounding like you're not enjoying yourself. All the best.