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Sex

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Original poster

Is he asking for too much

20 replies

pineapplefern · 12/02/2022 16:57

Me and DH have been married 11 years, 2 children general happy marriage. The only thing that has always been a bit of a problem is sex. I suffered with vaginismus and couldn’t physically have sex for years due to my anxiety Over. He helped me over come this when I was a teenager.

The problem that bugs now is he messaged me so many photos of porn and videos basically asking for certain things to be done in the bedroom which I’m not comfortable with. At the moment a lot of it is asking for anal. I have done it in the past but I hate it. But I just feel anxious and the whatsapping of constant requests is becoming too much. We’ve had lots of conversations but normally ends in an argument and I say I’ll try harder to fulfill his needs but it never seems enough. Is it me or him who has the problem?

OP posts:

PostThenGhost · 12/02/2022 17:00

Jesus.
He sounds like a sex pest which is the biggest turn off there is.
It’s him not you.

It’s fine for a partner to request certain things but, as you have said you are uncomfortable and don’t want to do anal for example, he shouldn’t then be bombarding you with messages and videos!

DaftLiz · 12/02/2022 18:57

It’s him who’s the problem, entirely. It’s not acceptable to pressure you into stuff you’re not interested in.

Kdubs1981 · 12/02/2022 20:39

Entirely him.

GeorgeOhWell · 12/02/2022 21:05

It's totally him. He should respect your boundaries. The constant pestering for things you don't want must be w total turn off.

Original poster

pineapplefern · 12/02/2022 22:35

Thank you for the reassurance ladies

OP posts:

Boredsillyathome · 13/02/2022 10:39

First time I've messaged on this page but I had to when I read this. I've had problems for years with having sex, had a bad experience when I was a teenager which has affected me for year making me tense up when I have sex, so hard to do it. I've had counselling and have a wonderful husband who's always supported me and been so patient so things are a lot better now and I actually enjoy sex. Your DH in no way should be putting you in this position and asking this of you, have you spoken to him about it?

wipeyournoseplease · 13/02/2022 17:30

Sounds like my ex. Showing me pornos that he wanted to recreate, sending me pics of different things I didn't want or like, in the end I fucking hated him even being near me. I told him from the beginning I didn't like certain things, didn't stop him from bugging me over and over.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 13/02/2022 18:01

It sounds really horrible. He shouldn't be bombarding you with this stuff. Sounds like you're not compatible and may be happier without him (maybe with someone else).

PerditaPerdita · 14/02/2022 03:29

Whoa .........

Anal if you hate it? No bloody way. You just say NO I HATE it. Fuck off!

He's not going to leave you if you say no. It's your absolute right. And He's got to sort his own fantasies out. You're not a blow up doll. And you aren't obliged to do all this.

Tell him you're sorry but it's having the opposite effect and putting you off him.

Rieslinger · 14/02/2022 08:48

Hi PF, firstly sorry for the situation you and your DH find yourselves in, it sounds pretty crappy.

It sounds like you both need to reset your communication, I wonder if your DH has got lonely and then lost in what's not you and him. Sounds like he was at least a half-decent guy as he helped back in the early days when sex was tough, worth remembering?

Life, family all these things impact on how you both feel and as well as that having a physical/emotional barrier I'm sure doesn't make it any easier.

My thoughts are, tell him you'd like to speak, get the kids away for a few hours and start a conversation so you both share how you feel and see where things go from there? Something nice to eat, a glass of wine...just to break a few barriers down so it might give you both a chance to say how you feel and for it to be heard all round.

In my own experience nothing in relationships is simple but if the love is there then you can hopefully find a way.

Good luck!

StarlightLady · 14/02/2022 09:23

Remembering the words of my late mother, who was by no means judgey, when it comes to sex. “If it doesn’t make you feel nice, don’t do it, do what makes you purr”!

Quality sex is about caring, sharing, passion and consent. Consent means more than saying yes to something, it means wanting to do something.

As for using porn as a reference, that is about as useful as Dr Who is as a reference to science.

PerditaPerdita · 14/02/2022 22:21

@StarlightLady

Remembering the words of my late mother, who was by no means judgey, when it comes to sex. “If it doesn’t make you feel nice, don’t do it, do what makes you purr”!

Quality sex is about caring, sharing, passion and consent. Consent means more than saying yes to something, it means wanting to do something.

As for using porn as a reference, that is about as useful as Dr Who is as a reference to science.

Your mother had it right. 👌

Maskless · 26/03/2022 20:53

" I have done it in the past but I hate it."

Tell him this.

I tried it, and I hated it. Why are you pestering me to do something I hate?

easylemonsqueezy · 27/03/2022 02:43

Yuk
Tell him you will shove a dildo up his ass every time he WhatsApp's you
What a twat he is

Estherpologist · 27/03/2022 07:26

Neither of you is the problem! His sexuality is valid, and so is yours. How they work together is what needs to be given attention.
I think sexting when you're not on the same page can be a bit like social media, in that it allows people to say things they wouldn't say face to face. The normal safety net of empathy is missing.
If you want different amounts or types of sex, that's what you need to address. Ask him if you can see a sex therapist (search for a member of CORST) together. You can suggest that it might get him more of what he's fantasising about if he needs persuading. In reality, it should help both of you think seriously about how you interact sexually.
❤

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 28/03/2022 15:37

Open communication is important, and he’s definitely open with his communication! But just method is wrong/misjudged.

Tell him a firm no on anal, he’ll get over it.
Telll him to save links that interest him and YOU will instigate the conversation when YOU are ready/in the mood.
M

1forAll74 · 29/03/2022 04:33

What a dreadful pest he is, sending messages about sex acts he fancies, so cringey.

Opentooffers · 30/03/2022 13:57

I don't think it's ever OK for a man to want a woman to recreate a porn fantasy against her will. Tbh, it shows a certain lack of intelect in them if they haven't worked out that the sex in porn is purely of the type that's geared to male viewing and titillation, rather than how most women would want to have it. The kind of dumb thinking that's a total turnoff and shows how shit in bed in real life they would be if they can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality, there's no hope, stay well clear.

IfNotNowWhen287 · 01/04/2022 22:47

It sounds like you're both incompatible for each other. He's obviously a bit more adventurous and wants something different than you are comfortable with. There's nothing wrong with either of you but it also doesn't seem like either of you can make the other one happy. Would suggest cutting ties and walking away, sorry.

Freddy12 · 02/04/2022 20:58

Yes he sounds like a total twat
He knows you have no interest in anal but keeps hassling you for it
Probably time to bin him
He sounds awful

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