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I'm asking for the impossible, right?

18 replies

MarianaMassimo · 07/02/2022 19:32

I have a high sex drive.
Due to work&kids, I don't have time for dating/relationship right now.
A fwb would not work for me because it would lead to me wanting more/getting jealous/getting hurt. I seem to fall, really quickly, as soon as someone starts giving me attention 🤣
I have met up with men in the past off apps for sex. But it wasn't ever a good experience. I was probably picking the wrong people. But I wanted to keep it as anonymous as possible- limited details about them/me etc, no getting to know each other. It was have sex then block them, made it clear it was a one time thing. I felt I needed to do this so I didn't develop any feeling towards them. But this resulted in me meeting some guy in a bar (me several drinks in for courage!) We'd fuck. It would be pretty shit for me, was just PIV, all about them and I'd feel really disgusted afterwards. I was getting over an ex the time and not in the best place, but I don't want to do that again.
What I want is... a proper sex session... with someone that cares about my pleasure too... but someone that I'm not going to develop feelings for!
I'm asking for the impossible right?
Good sex... with no feelings?
Like... I want there to be a connection during sex... but then be able to switch that off afterwards so I don't fall in love and get hurt...
It makes me so sad to think I'll never have sex for the foreseeable future... but I think that's probably what I need to accept?
Unless anyone has any bright ideas that I haven't thought of?!

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Wherearemymarbles · 07/02/2022 19:50

Rule no.1
No cuddling whatsoever after great sex.
Get up, walk the dog, go for a run etc
Rules 2-10
Repeat rule no.1

Reason is Oxytocin is released after sex.Its a bonding hormone so make sure you have nothing to bond with once its coursing through your veins.

Or accept casual doesn't really work for you - no shame in that!

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lonelySam · 07/02/2022 22:47

Erm.. I think you might be looking for a male prostitute for whom you can be a regular. Though I don't even want to go into buying consent etc. discussion as this a a whole set of different issues.

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MarianaMassimo · 08/02/2022 08:03

Yeah- I think I probably need to accept I just won't be getting it for a while. I'm sure millions of other people manage just fine. I don't even know why I still have such a high sex drive when I haven't even had it for so long. I thought I would loose interest, but it hasn't happened yet!

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PinotPony · 08/02/2022 09:50

I found that the way to deal with the emotional connection and getting the feels was to educate myself about what I was feeling and why. I read the Ethical Slut and went to workshops on insecurities and jealousy. It made me more aware of my emotions and I learnt strategies to deal with that.

Then I joined a swinging community and made a core group of friends who I can play with. It's a lot easier to fuck a guy and not fall in love with him when you're good friends with his wife!

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Josuk · 08/02/2022 17:18

I think it’s not impossible and you don’t need to give up sex.
But what you need to try to do is to not to have just one man you have sec with.
This way - you aren’t likely get attached and fixate on any one guy.
A likeminded community - either swingers, or a place like KK - may have what you are looking for.
If you are near any big city - you may easily find what you are looking for.

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MarianaMassimo · 08/02/2022 20:24

Thank you- will have a look at that book. Definitely need to sort out my emotions! Grin
Yes, maybe if I look into some sites like that a bit more... and it does make sense having more than one so I don't fixate! Providing I am lucky enough to find more than one person willing to have sex with me!!

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Josuk · 08/02/2022 21:57

Don’t be so hard on yourself!!!!
Most people are average looking by definition. And if you are willing - there will be willing partners.
My guess is that swingers sites may be a better bet as KK tends to be on a younger side.

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Seasidemumma77 · 08/02/2022 22:30

When i became single, I didn't like the idea of having sex with strangers and wasnt ready for a new relationship. I formed FWB arrangement with a male acquaintance who I found attractive but was 100% certain I would never want a relationship with. We weren't even friends when it started, and kept it secret and separate from our friends and family. The arrangement worked fabulously for 5yrs. We enjoyed regular fantastic sex, with agreed boundaries, and no hassle of relationship stuff getting in the way. After 5yrs we both reached a point of wanting to end our arrangement and begin dating other people. Do not regret my FWB at all, and if I become single again, i would definitely start another FWB arrangement with someone else.

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Seasidemumma77 · 08/02/2022 22:32

When i became single, I didn't like the idea of having sex with strangers and wasnt ready for a new relationship. I formed FWB arrangement with a male acquaintance who I found attractive but was 100% certain I would never want a relationship with. We weren't friends when it started, and kept it secret and separate from our friends and family. The arrangement worked fabulously for 5yrs. We enjoyed regular fantastic sex, with agreed boundaries, and no hassle of relationship stuff getting in the way. After 5yrs we both reached a point of wanting to end our arrangement and being dating other people. Do not regret my FWB at all, and if I become single again, i would definitely start another FWB arrangement with someone else.

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MarianaMassimo · 24/04/2022 10:01

Update 😬😬😬
I found a guy online. He's younger, not looking for a relationship. On paper, he's the perfect person for me not to get feels for. He doesn't have a stable/reliable job, he is 1 million percent not step father to my kids material, totally not someone I'd ever want to marry.
I did explain about being worried about getting feelings/jealous/hurt. He said we should meet, see how it goes, told me not to overthink it. So I did. We talked a lot, flirted and after a couple of drinks ended up kissing and went back to his for sex (that was NOT the plan, just got carried away!!) Afterwards he was really kind and sweet. He told me to stay the night. I wasn't sure and in hindsight, probably shouldn't have.... but I did. We talked some more, then cuddled to sleep 🤦‍♀️. In the morning he made breakfast. It wasn't at all awkward. It was relaxed and fun. I had an amazing time with him.
BUT.... I've gone about this the wrong way, haven't I? I do overthink everything and he tells me to just 'go with it' but I think that's possibly a recipe for disaster in my case. I know on paper he's not someone I could have a future with. We wouldn't work in a relationship. But I'm not sure that's going to be enough to stop me getting feelings.
I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said there is someone he occasionally has sex with. He's bisexual and this other person is a man. So I'm not really sure about how I feel about that either...
So confused right now 😕
Think maybe this was a mistake and I shouldn't see him again.
Really need a button to press to turn off feelings- I just want sex- why is this so hard!!!

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Furrbabymama87 · 24/04/2022 10:36

Get a vibrator OP. I've done the casual sex thing in the past, I don't think I could do it now if something happened and my marriage ended. Maybe you just aren't cut out for it and that's perfectly OK.

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MarianaMassimo · 24/04/2022 11:45

I know.... I really don't think I am cut out for it. Think I'm probably lonely and looking for a connection. I think deep down what I really want is a relationship with someone.

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KimCheese · 26/04/2022 06:52

It can work but you need to have your own set of boundaries - so no overnights and no nice breakfasts etc. If that's too much for you.

I think what you're aiming for is in the middle of what you've had. One extreme was too casual to the point that you hadn't discussed what you wanted from the encounter and were left feeling unfulfilled, then the other end of that was having the great sex but then overstaying and enjoying that too much.

I think in the middle is finding someone, make the connection, express what you want from the encounter (you can be really frank in this environment- I want oral, you need to make me cum first etc) and approach the encounter with your pleasure firmly at the top of the list. He'll cum regardless (it's like 95% of the time) whereas for women is awful like 18% of the time. (I saw this somewhere, might not be exact but look up the orgasm gap).

But you may also need to accept that casual isn't for you. Having a few on the go really helps me, I'm less focused on one.

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MarianaMassimo · 26/04/2022 22:59

Oooh yes, you are right! I went from way too casual to something resembling a relationship! 🤦‍♀️ Need the middle ground!
I am going to talk it through with this guy, see if we can try again. Set the boundaries. Just got carried away when we met up last time. We were not planning to have sex, just meet and chat. But it had been a looong time for me and I was tipsy and horny.
Idk. Will see what he says about it all.

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KimCheese · 27/04/2022 12:43

Just be honest - this really is the most honest you can ever be I think, there's nothing to lose and everything to gain. I see it as good practice for when I do decide to get into a relationship.

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Kitten2 · 30/04/2022 00:51

Well it's not working for me either.
I am 4, nearly 5 months in to seeing a guy casually for sex.
Let's just say it is only casual for him... I don't even recognise myself I am such a doormat.
'Strictly no feelings' but of course I daydream, replay moments, hang off his every bloody word. Break my own heart every week when I don't hear from him for a couple of days.

If I could go back and un-meet him, get a great vibrator instead, I would!!!

I've always attached far too easily.

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KimCheese · 30/04/2022 07:29

Threads on here can make it sound really easy but it really isn't for everyone and depends on variables. You can want it in theory but be unable to do it without getting hurt .

I basically recommend this to everyone but lalalaletmeexplain is great for this, her book is really reassuring about this and can help you recognise your boundaries.

Get a variety of vibrators!

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inininsomnia · 30/04/2022 16:51

One thing that occurs to me here OP is - drink less or don't drink at all. You've mentioned more than once making decisions you regret when you're drunk. As well as that, you really need to make sure you're safe when you meet people you don't know well. Take good care of yourself.

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