Speaking my kinda language...

[PinotPony]

Not really seeking advice, just wanted to share my excitement at having met someone new online... 😁

I've been looking for a new Dom play partner for ages.... and trawled through some utter dickheads online. Guys who have no idea how this kind of dynamic works. Usually loads of red flags around consent or boundaries.

Finally I think I've found someone who has an insight into what makes me tick. You know that feeling you get when someone almost reads your mind, seems to understand what drives you to behave in a certain way, what headspace you're seeking and has lots of creative ideas to take you there...

I'm in an open relationship and BF is amused at my enthusiasm for "the new shiny thing"! But I don't want to hurt his feelings by going on about it too much.

I'm getting way ahead of myself and acting like a giddy teenager but I have a really good feeling. That may just be uncontrollable fanny flutters! 😂

Meeting him for a drink to see if the chemistry translates in person and, if so, start to negotiate a scene. Eek! Excited and terrified in equal measure. He's scary! 😈

...really hope he doesn't turn out to be a total bore with halitosis... 😂

Okey dokes. I;m too old to know what this is about but I might check back later so I can see the normal response to this kind of thing.

I don’t have experience of this sort of dynamic but what do you like about being dominated? Is it the power he has over you? Also how do you ensure you will be safe and nothing extreme might happen that will cause you to get hurt etc?
Only asking these questions, as I’m curious, don’t feel you have to answer either!

Ah congrats op! I know what it’s like to find a genuine fellow kinkster who is truly a naturally-inclined Dom rather than someone who claims to be a Dom to give them an excuse to act out their misogynistic fantasies.

Enjoy!

@Hyly68

I don’t have experience of this sort of dynamic but what do you like about being dominated? Is it the power he has over you? Also how do you ensure you will be safe and nothing extreme might happen that will cause you to get hurt etc? Only asking these questions, as I’m curious, don’t feel you have to answer either!

I think there's lots of different motivations depending on who you ask. It's very individual. For me, it's about the exchange of power which moves back and forth. I'm very strong and confident in daily life. So it's a welcome change to let my partner be in charge.

That said, I'm a bratty sub. Id be bored senseless just blindly doing what I'm told like many subs. I like to be disobedient and defiant - all with a cheeky smile. Its playful and attention-seeking. He knows I'm deliberately misbehaving in order to prompt him to threaten all kinds of retribution. There's a thrill and excitement about pushing his buttons too. To be a little scared as well as excited - perhaps it's a rush of adrenaline. How far can I go before I get in trouble? To get him to a point where he physically overpowers me. To struggle and cry "Hay-ulp!" as if we don't know I'm enjoying every minute. To smirk and giggle and tease even when I'm over his knee.

It also feels like a show of strength. Look how tough I am. Look what I can withstand. There's nothing you can do to me. I'm untouchable. And then, if I get into the right headspace, i can almost leave my body and drift off into an altered mental state. It's a bit like being high, you're conscious of what's happening but you're off somewhere else in your mind. I've only managed it a handful of times.

It takes a huge amount of trust to give another person such autonomy over your body. So there's always A LOT of discussion about boundaries. Hard and soft limits. I mean really detailed stuff. I have a spreadsheet! We agree safe words - traffic lights. We agree aftercare... cuddles, food, a call a few days later. STI tests, protection. Any injuries or MH triggers. All of that is ironed out before we go anywhere near a bedroom. And during the course of that discussion I'll ask about his experience and knowledge. It's like a job interview! Consider whether he really knows how to do this safely. Are there any red flags? A good Dom will take the responsibility seriously. If I drift off to subspace, he'll watch me very carefully. I know women who've said that anal is a hard limit but in the moment have begged for it. A good Dom understands that she's gone a bit gaga at that point and he won't go there.

Then we go very slowly as you would in any new relationship. You don't do everything on the second date.. you build up as you start to trust each other. Of course there's a risk but that would be true of any new man who you took to bed. But I've felt safer with men I've met from the BDSM community than some guys from Tinder. You can tell the guys who know what they're doing. They know about risk assessment and informed consent. And I often ask around about a guys reputation too.

Sorry.. I wrote loads...! 🙈 But hope that answers a few questions.

@sammylady37

Ah congrats op! I know what it’s like to find a genuine fellow kinkster who is truly a naturally-inclined Dom rather than someone who claims to be a Dom to give them an excuse to act out their misogynistic fantasies.

Enjoy!

Thanks @sammylady37 😁

Yes, Fifty Shades has a lot to answer for... I worry for women who are just starting to explore and are vulnerable to men like that.

@PinotPony Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions. I hope things work out for you and most of all, enjoy yourself and stay safe!

Well, that all sounds jolly splendid Pinot. Frightens the life out of me personally, but different strokes and all that.

If you ever fancy a nice sit down with a cup of tea and a slice of cake though...

PinotPony I absolutely love your in depth explanation and find a lot of things you say ring true for me. I hope he is everything you want him to be and have the best time xx