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Original poster

What stops you developing feelings for your FWB?

33 replies

Rantypanties · 22/01/2022 22:41

I’d like to hear others thoughts on this. Is it lack of physical attraction? Do they have an annoying trait you can tolerate short term but not in a relationship?

I’m (obviously!!) the one who developed feelings in the FWB ‘relationship’ but I could never imagine having sex with someone who I just felt nothing for or wasn’t attracted to them?!

I guess I’d like more opinions so I can overthink myself to sleep about it!!!! Grin

OP posts:
Eesha · 23/01/2022 06:41

With my last FWB, it was because there was no future. He had no money, mental health was iffy and he wasn't great as an emotional support. Essentially not the kind of bloke I could see myself with long term. But he was a trusted acquaintance, great in bed and harmless. He actually fell in love with me but I was vague and said we were never suited.

curmudgeonly007 · 23/01/2022 08:59

Make sure they are 200 + miles away, works for me.

Freddy12 · 23/01/2022 09:20

I always fancied mine (obviously) but never saw them as relationship potential they were lovely and one has been a friend for 20 ish years when we’re both single we would meet for great sex when one was not we would meet for a chat and beer
She cannot meet me now as her now husband does not want her to meet me knowing our past
I have since married and my now wife is fine with us meeting, would be once a month or so
Shame as I have lost a good friend for no reason

bedtimeisthebest · 23/01/2022 11:53

I'm married and know that I just won't develop feelings for my FWB. I've known her for many years as she originally was a colleague.

I'd been married 10 years before she became my first and only constant FWB and it's always just been a friendship and she feels the same as we've spoken about it.

My wife's FWB is an ex partner of hers from long before we met and all those feeling have gone. She says she just gets great sex from him and no more.

We also have a couple with benefits who are married to each other and that again is purely about having extra sex with others and enjoying it, although we do other things socially and even tonight we're having dinner together and they're staying the night. We all know feelings won't develop.

In all the cases we are attracted to each other

You have to ask yourself if you want him to be more than just your FWB and also what does he want.

LittleKitten1 · 23/01/2022 17:32

I've developed feelings for my only FWB. I think partly because of the forbidden fruit element. I know we can't be together and somehow that makes me like him more than I maybe would if we could have a proper relationship. I am over romanticising him.

Original poster
Rantypanties · 23/01/2022 18:33

Thank you all for your responses, I really resonate with what you’ve written @LittleKitten1! I’ve suggested it before and he said ‘if this was different, if that was different….’ basically just gently batting me away!

I guess I was thinking how can you have amazing sex with someone that you don’t want a deeper connection with- we’ve been meeting on and off for 20 years! I need to give my head a wobble and just keep telling myself he must be a prick in real life!!!

OP posts:
altmember · 23/01/2022 19:22

I think the best way is probably to have a multiple fwb on the go at a time. If you have options, you're less likely to get hooked on one and catch feelings.

MarrymeTomHardy · 23/01/2022 19:39

Great question!
When I was younger (pre-DC) I used to have multiple FWB, so even though I liked them I was too busy to get in too deepShock.
Now, having left an abusive 15yr relationship i'm not sure I ever want a full-on relationship again.
Met current FWB online, was meant to be a 1 off hook-up but a few months later here we are...
Both busy with work & DC, we keep things very light touch & don't get involved in eachother's lives at all although we are in contact most days.
Sometimes I wonder if I want more, but certain things irritate me about him that I know I couldn't live with Grin so I focus on those...
The amazing sex outweighs them for the current situationship though Grin

slipperylittlesukker · 24/01/2022 00:59

Many years ago (2013) I was totally infatuated with my FWB but he was so unattainable. He would let me down, not turn up, drop me at the last minute if something better came along, but still I was totally hooked. Fast forward to recently and we've been in contact, slept together a few times, however now the tables have turned, HE wants a relationship and I absolutely do not.

My advice is don't see them that often and keep reminding yourself that catching feelings will end in heartbreak!

You have to be a really strong woman to have a FWB and to not get feelings.... It's genetically in us.. Some chemical is released that isn't helpful if you want to keep it platonic.....

Catullus5 · 24/01/2022 07:22

@altmember

I think the best way is probably to have a multiple fwb on the go at a time. If you have options, you're less likely to get hooked on one and catch feelings.
As if it were a disease.
Sheilablessus · 24/01/2022 13:08

Too many other family obligations on my part. I could not trust him either.
He is my 'Camelot' where I hide from the world.

UtterSocks · 24/01/2022 16:35

I don’t have one now but did for 8 months after I had my heart broken by a real player while online dating. I also met my FWB online and he was very much my physical type but made it clear he wanted once a week fun and I was impressed by his honesty. I really liked him and met him for drinks three times before I agreed to it. The sex was amazing but he was also a really, really nice guy and we would cuddle and chat and have a laugh and watch TV for a couple of hours afterwards. I never messaged him in the week and we never discussed feelings or personal stuff and I genuinely liked him as a friend but I kept chatting to guys online as I knew I wanted a relationship but the guaranteed sex with him once a week kept me from jumping into bed with any more liars/players until I met a guy I really liked and trusted and then when I was ready to move on to the sex stage with him I finished with my FWB straight away (and honestly told him why) as didn’t want to sleep with 2 guys at once. I did feel a bit of regret as we genuinely liked and respected each other but we don’t keep in touch and I really, really love my BF now and would never go back. At one point I think had he wanted more I’d have considered it but he didn’t and I didn’t overthink it or question why he didn’t fall for me in that way. It was being upfront and honest from the get-go that made it work and I don’t regret it. I’d had a long and unhappy marriage prior to OLD and it was a good bridge to a real relationship. In a lot of ways it was the most honest and straightforward relationship I’d had.

germsandcoffee · 24/01/2022 20:50

My fwb is female so it's totally separate from my normal life with my male partner.
So in my head she's my fun time only and normal life just resumes when we are not together

Jumpking · 25/01/2022 00:16

You don't develop feelings for them by keeping them at arms length. Don't reply immediately to their messages. Take a pinch of salt before you meet them, remind yourself to not be too open.

For me, one lived 100 miles away and was keeping Covid safe, so I only saw him a few times in the summer. He made it clear from the off he didn't want a relationship, so I went into it with a clear head of "this is purely fun". No gazing in each others eyes or nuzzling noses.

As I saw him so infrequently, I picked up a second fwb. He made it clear he didn't want a girlfriend, only sex. My head was straight with that. As the weeks went on, he fell for me big time, told me he loved me and couldn't get enough of me. He was clear he didn't want to be feeling this way, but he couldn't help his feelings developing as I added far more to his life than he anticipated. Eye gazing, nibbling on my shoulder, sending me songs he sang along to on what's app. It was quite heady for me and i Iet more feelings develop for him than I should have.

I ended both when I began seeing my now boyfriend this summer. But both of them are still in touch, as they appreciate my outlook and experience in life. Even tonight, the one who loved me discussed his new fwb with me and was asking for my opinions.

It's a real weird dynamic.

OP, the key is to be guarded and to know there's a lifespan on these things.

bedtimeisthebest · 25/01/2022 06:55

@germsandcoffee

My fwb is female so it's totally separate from my normal life with my male partner. So in my head she's my fun time only and normal life just resumes when we are not together
I used to work with a woman who was very open in the office that even when she was engaged and then married to a man that every Friday night she went out with her female friend and they always had sex together.
LittleKitten1 · 25/01/2022 13:30

@Jumpking
Thank you for your comment. It have resonated with me and I'll take on your advice here

cosmicbabe · 25/01/2022 14:57

For those married and have FWB for great sex does this mean you don't have great sex with your wife / husband?

bedtimeisthebest · 25/01/2022 17:11

@cosmicbabe

For those married and have FWB for great sex does this mean you don't have great sex with your wife / husband?
Not at all.

My wife and I both enjoy great sex with each other but we also enjoy it with others too.

Original poster
Rantypanties · 25/01/2022 21:17

I really appreciate reading everyone’s responses. I definitely need to harden up, I think that’s my main problem- sometimes letting the ‘what if’s’ get in my head instead of just seeing it for what it is!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 26/01/2022 23:29

I guess know the restrictions and limits of the agreed situation

BigYellowHat · 28/01/2022 17:16

I had one before I was married and the feelings just never came at all tbh. We were just buddies who met up to have sex. I think it’s easier not to develop feelings when the rules are defined right at the start and both of you know that there’s no chance of it going anywhere. I bumped into him about 3 years ago, after I’d got married (marriage happened way after FWB situation ended) and we just had a laugh and a catch up. Was a weird situation as we were both at a hideous group interview which not a single candidate had been told about 😂

Isseywith3witchycats · 29/01/2022 12:08

Mine was when i was single for a couple of years he was brilliant in bed and met my needs but no way was i going to turn it into something more we met twice a week at my house had a laugh watched movies together had long intelligent conversations but his track record and the fact he couldnt work so was on benefits didnt fit in with my lifestyle at the time, when i met my now partner we parted ways as friends without the benefits

MrsBerthaRochester · 29/01/2022 18:36

I have had a couple of fwb and I only developed feelings for one. I think its was a combination of the physical, he is extremely handsome and I was flattered and the great sex.
Sadly he turned out to be a total prick who had a partner the whole time.
Still trying to find someone to replace him.

Lightning020 · 05/02/2022 08:44

It depends how much casual sex you have had. You detach more easily with experience.

Mrssebastianstan · 06/02/2022 13:10

I think it’s also having lots of other things in your life, busy career, hobbies maybe, friends, family. If you have to carve out time for the FWB, and you only see them periodically and don’t contact each other much in between, I think its possible.

Also if you are really attracted to their personality as well as their body/sexual skills then I’d walk away because I think that’s when feelings develop outside the purely no commitment thing. I have had one that I fell in love with but I think I knew from the start I liked him as him so I was kidding myself that it was ‘just a FWB’.

Honesty, including with yourself, is essential in a good FWB relationship.

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