Partner with autism

tripletsohgod · 2022-01-18T07:28:54+00:00

We've been together 4 years but it's a LDR so we only see each other every month or so. He has ASC - I don't know if it's this or just his personality but he's uptight, tense and finds it hard to be in the moment during sex. This obviously causes some ED issues. Anything beyond short foreplay and then missionary he finds too much pressure, then loses his erection. He's sensitive to touch (not always in a good way) and dislikes BJs. I love him, I want this to be better. Any tips on how I can help him to be more passionate and more in the moment? It may not be related to his ASC, I know, but I think it is. He has a personality unlike anyone I've ever known, which is why I love him but also why I think it's causing him to view sex in an unusual way. I think it's confidence too, he's not very experienced. I am enthusiastic and try to guide him without putting pressure on him.

FortunesFave · 18/01/2022 08:11

For many autistic people, sex just isn't high up on their priorities. I personally can take it or leave it mostly and like your partner, I don't like receiving oral and I'm super sensitive to touch...even a slight change in pressure can absolutely turn me off.

This isn't ideal for any partner but the most patient.

Your desire to make it better might not tally up with his desire to be left alone...to manage his own sexual needs.

Being passionate and in the moment is sort of the opposite of being autistic.

whataboutbob · 27/01/2022 18:10

Make sure your needs are being met too. You sound very focused on helping him which is really kind, but in the long run- what about you?

chewthatbloodygrape · 30/01/2022 09:37

Thank you both for replying. That's a great insight into sex for someone with ASC, and it sounds like there is nothing much I can do to make it better (for me). Maybe it's as good as it gets for him, or as good as he wants/can make it.

In terms of my needs, yep, not great. I guess I thought/hoped they'd get better met with time, if/when things improved. I know he wants to be more relaxed and in the moment. He gets frustrated with his unreliable erections. I wonder if viagra would help break the cycle

chewthatbloodygrape · 03/02/2022 08:52

Does anyone else have any experience or ideas about this? We love each other and I don't want to end the relationship, but I feel the sex will never be satisfactory for me.

Inthesameboatatmo · 06/02/2022 07:56

Hi op.
I was in a relationship with an autistic man for 16 plus years. It really doesn't get better from an intimacy angle. Sorry.

DHtrying · 06/02/2022 09:01

My wife has ASD and as per the previous poster, for many it's just a characteristic of the condition.

For us, sex is very paint by numbers, formulaic, repetitive and predictable - timings, order of events, positions etc.

Passion, spontaneity, variety and them taking the lead are the complete opposite of what autism brings.

I made the choice to abandon chasing a sex life I craved but would never have in return for a loving, safe, comfortable life, if very dull at times.

You do you.

chewthatbloodygrape · 06/02/2022 11:51

I appreciate the responses, thanks. Before we slept together and in the very early days we did a lot of sexting and it was so hot. He was so into it and described things he'd never do (I now know!). He used to watch porn but says he doesn't now (I believe him, not too bothered anyway). I just think he has low needs - now they're being met adequately for him.

I find it a bit depressing thinking it won't change. Do/did your partners want to change or make it more interesting but couldn't, or was there just no desire to? He wants to but any variation or change is experienced as pressure = no erection 😣

chewthatbloodygrape · 06/02/2022 11:52

@Inthesameboatatmo

Hi op. I was in a relationship with an autistic man for 16 plus years. It really doesn't get better from an intimacy angle. Sorry.

How was the rest of the relationship? Was the sex the reason it ended ultimately?

Inthesameboatatmo · 06/02/2022 12:10

No my ex didnt/couldn't change. I accepted it because I loves him and thought naively that I could make that happen. Ultimately the sex dried up because he wasn't bothered about it or willing to embrace it I guess. Sex is what holds most relationships together and if that's not there then it's a matter of time before it ends.
Maybe if it wasn't a ldr op he might get a little more comfortable about sex or being intimate. Because you don't see each other that much its hard even in nt relationships to keep going only seeing each other once a month.

Inthesameboatatmo · 06/02/2022 12:14

@chewthatbloodygrape.
Sex wasn't the only reason no but played a big part. I felt not wanted or attractive and he zoned out most of the time because of attention span and such. So most of the relationships was me doing everything, housework, initiating sex all life admin etc. I needed someone who could support me more than financially if you know what mean.
Big life events like losing parents , we lost a baby late in pregnancy and it didn't even register to him the magnitude of such things or support I may need.

DHtrying · 06/02/2022 19:12

@chewthatbloodygrape

I appreciate the responses, thanks. Before we slept together and in the very early days we did a lot of sexting and it was so hot. He was so into it and described things he'd never do (I now know!). He used to watch porn but says he doesn't now (I believe him, not too bothered anyway). I just think he has low needs - now they're being met adequately for him.

I find it a bit depressing thinking it won't change. Do/did your partners want to change or make it more interesting but couldn't, or was there just no desire to? He wants to but any variation or change is experienced as pressure = no erection 😣

No desire to change because for them there isn't a problem - this is how they naturally are and to ask them to be something they're not is unfair, futile and not long term sustainable.

I guess it's a bit like asking someone to be funnier, more intelligent or more generous - they are who they are.

Remember that people with autism seek comfort and refuge via familiarity and predictability. Going against this in-built wiring risks putting them outside of their comfort zone / happy place.

chewthatbloodygrape · 06/02/2022 20:54

I fear this is all true. That sounds so like him and I feel bad for 'pushing' him (I'm really not, but he senses it) to be more - adventurous, passionate, spontaneous etc. I know see he probably wants to to make me happy, not because he genuinely wants to for himself.

The not feeling attractive thing - I get that too. He finds me attractive yet some days I feel I could dance around with nipple tassels on and he'd not notice!

HippyDippyDooDaa · 13/02/2022 14:12

Hi. I'll be honest with you. I fell in love with, married and had 3 kids with an autistic man. For a few years we were very happy but the sex never improved. He could only work to one formula and experimenting and trying anything new or experimenting was impossible. In the end it what one of the things that killed us. Don't underestimate how soulless knowing exactly which position is coming next for years is.
OP, I hope you find happiness.x

Joy69 · 18/02/2022 06:54

My partner is autistic. He also suffers from ED. We find that if we spend time chatting & just touching, not sexually to begin with it works for us. I know everyone is different, but by going slowly he says it gives his brain time to catch up. He couldn't cope with a quickie, it would freak him out. Luckily I'm menopausal & need a bit longer myself so it works well for us.
On the subject of touch, my brother also has autism & says when he's touched unexpectedly it feels like unpleasant electric shocks. Not sure if this helps, as I said we're all different.

DHtrying · 19/02/2022 07:10

@HippyDippyDooDaa

Hi. I'll be honest with you. I fell in love with, married and had 3 kids with an autistic man. For a few years we were very happy but the sex never improved. He could only work to one formula and experimenting and trying anything new or experimenting was impossible. In the end it what one of the things that killed us. Don't underestimate how soulless knowing exactly which position is coming next for years is. OP, I hope you find happiness.x

Very much this, especially the last part.

DHtrying · 19/02/2022 07:16

@Joy69

My partner is autistic. He also suffers from ED. We find that if we spend time chatting & just touching, not sexually to begin with it works for us. I know everyone is different, but by going slowly he says it gives his brain time to catch up. He couldn't cope with a quickie, it would freak him out. Luckily I'm menopausal & need a bit longer myself so it works well for us. On the subject of touch, my brother also has autism & says when he's touched unexpectedly it feels like unpleasant electric shocks. Not sure if this helps, as I said we're all different.

My wife is the same. I can't be spontaneous or overtly instigate sexually. Everything has to be slow, tentative and gradual to get on the same page, which in conjunction with the receptive, process nature makes it incredibly dull, to the point I'd almost rather not bother as it seldom leaves me fulfilled.

I'd honestly rather masturbate as I can at least (in my head) have some variety without feeling like I've got to tread on egg shells and have to navigate the complex sensitivities all the time - its incredibly unexciting and unsexy.