Erection issues

[Kittenlil87]

Apologies for the details but I haven’t got anyone else to ask. My partner is having difficulties in the bedroom with maintaining an erection. It doesn’t stay hard for more than a few minutes and even attempting sex it goes semi soft even if he does manage to get an erection. Oral sex seems to keep it hard longer but I don’t want this to be our own form of sexual contact. Due to sexual frustration I end up getting very wet because my body essentially feels ‘teased’ but I can’t feel anything as it’s still soft. If on a rare occasional it ‘works’ it doesn’t last long enough for me to orgasm too. He says the wetness isn’t affecting it but I know it’s possible he’s embarrassed to admit it’s me causing this. He cannot go again as he feels sore after, so we get one chance a day but it’s usually over in 5-10 minutes. It’s really starting to upset me that we don’t get to have a normal passionate sex life. I have spoken to him but I think he feels ashamed and I don’t want to hurt him by constantly bringing up the subject, so I avoid sex and go to sleep (not that he ever initiates it usually it’s me who does). We are both 29 so it’s not age or health related, I assume it’s psychological. Is there anything we can do to improve this and is it normal that he finds it too painful to attempt round 2? I know he had chlamydia many years ago (we are both clear) could it have caused permanent damage?

Firstly, it won't be anything to do with you, so forget any notion of that. Secondly, he's young to have this and if it's just started, I'm thinking lifestyle - is it healthy, any meds or drugs or alcohol? I knew someone who had a slight change when on painkillers after an accident - came back after he stopped taking them.
Lastly, it could be psychological and it's tricky as once it's happened it then plays on the mind and can perpetuate it happening again.

As embarrassing as he made find it, he should really get checked out as there are many health conditions that can cause this (I know from experience)
It could very well be psychological too which can be very tricky, first step for me would be to get checked out at the doctors.

I'd agree with all the above. It's not you. All men have the occasional failure. It happens...tiredness, stress, recovery from illness, certain medications...all can be a cause. As I am sure others will point out, excessive porn use and masturbation is also a possibility. Failure leads to loss of confidence which leads to failure which is a vicious circle...leave off full sex and focus on being together...after a couple of weeks he should be raring to go

If he was 59 then I would say most likely age. Quick health check and maybe a low dose of ED med will help.

At 29 (and assuming none of the above apply) if it's regular and not associated with other medications for e.g depression, I would certainly get him to see his gp. Smoking or excess alcohol consumption could be a cause. So long as there are no underlying circulation issues or high blood pressure then he may prescribe viagra or similar. However failure to achieve or maintain and erection is a symptom of circulation issues. Unlikely at 29 but we'll worth eliminating as a cause.

I don't think that there is just one issue here. My personal experience is that there should be no penile soreness to prevent multiple rounds of intercourse. Most men of his age would be able to recover and go again with no problem.

I am a bit baffled about your talking about soreness preventing round 2 when he doesn't seem to have a decent enough erection to conclude round 1. If he cannot get really hard at the start, he's never going to be able to get it up for a second helping.

At his age, he ought not to be experiencing ED for any physical reasons. It's something that around 50% of men in their 50s can have, but not in their late 20s.

The points made by Opentooffers about medications, drugs, & alcohol are very valid. She is also correct about the psychological aspect, and once it has happened it can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would recommend a visit to the GP in order to rule out potential physical causes. If that pans out OK, then perhaps consider some over the counter Viagra if there are no contraindications.

Could the soreness be an invented excuse that gets him off trying for a second helping? You, by your account, are really wet, so he ought not to be getting sore at all. Is there any visible redness to back up his claim of soreness?

Thank you for all replying. In regards to round 2 there are occasions where he will be able to keep it up although not fully hard he does manage to finish (albeit in less than 5 minutes much to my disappointment). He made it clear at the start of our relationship he can’t go again due to tenderness and yes it does look red and sore. I have encouraged him to see a doctor many times but due to Covid it’s phone appointments only and he’s embarrassed much to my frustration I can’t force him. He doesn’t drink or smoke and as far as he’s aware there aren’t any health issues. He brushes it off when I raise the subject and I don’t want to hurt him by telling him we have a crap sex life and I’m fed up so I’m not sure what else to do!

Might be worth paying for a private consultation at a sexual health clinic if need be just to be sure there are no health issues and at the same time he could ask about soreness too. If he is not circumcised and his foreskin is tight this may be the explanation?. He shouldn't be sore after sex although I feel extremely sensitive just after orgasm...any stimulation feels almost painful. The effect goes after a minute or two. If he associates sex with soreness then inevitably it will subconsciously mean he will avoid getting hard and it's a vicious circle. Sort the reason for the soreness..if it is a tight foreskin he may need a small op! Once sorted lots of patience, positivity and reassurance will probably see the issue vanish. If not a low dose of viagra a couple of times will ensure he gets hard and will build confidence too. Good luck and Do persevere. He probably feels he has let you down and is equally keen to fix things...

Firstly, it's not you or anything you're doing. You're not "too wet", so stop worrying about that.

If he's physically fit and healthy, I'd put my money on this being a psychological issue, especially if he can cum from oral or a handjob. He knows there's a problem with penetrative sex and, the more he thinks about it, the more he'll struggle to maintain an erection. As a PP said, it's a vicious circle.

It's understandable that you don't want to make him even more self-conscious but you need to have a conversation about it. Avoiding sex is not the answer and you'll both just end up frustrated and resentful.

I'd check how often he is masturbating and whether he's watching a lot of porn as that may be a factor. If so, ask him to stop or reduce it for a few weeks.

The redness and soreness is worrying though and I'm surprised he'd tell you at the start of the relationship that this is the reason he can't perform a second time. If he won't go to the gp, would he go to a sexual health clinic..? You could suggest you both go for tests and an annual "MOT"..?

Regardless of whether he loses his erection, you sound very unfulfilled. What is he doing to make you cum? At the very least he should be making an effort to please you too. If he's just having a quick shag with a semi and then rolling over to sleep, you need to set him right!