Marriage becoming sexless

[Ohshush]

I am long term married, we have children and a mortgage. Our sex life has always been satisfactory, never amazing, DH was quite inexperienced when we met, he did no foreplay, as I was young myself and didn’t have a lot of experience, I didn’t think to myself, this is not how things should be. Over the years I gained confidence and I always satisfied him, I gave him regular oral sex until he would cum but I went without for many years. We’ve had discussions but it hasn’t led me to have the sex life I so desperately want. I am not getting any younger and I feel I’ve missed out on so much (sex wise) we generally get on as people but the passion is not there anymore, to the point I feel quite resentful and couldn’t imagine us ever having a fulfilling sex life, we are at a point where our marriage is becoming sexless.
The dilemma is, I don’t want to leave, it’s a lot of upheaval for sex but I don’t want to remain like this.
I’d like to have a partner who I can see just for sex, I know it’s morally wrong and selfish but at the same time it’s the only way I have a chance of a sex life again.
I’m just not sure how to go about this or even if it’s something I will actually be able to do.

Your situation or more to the point getting some advice on your situation is what brought me (bloke) to Mumsnet. I understand what you are going through and indeed feel your pain. Certainly no earth shattering answers from me as still in the same situation from when I originally joined and posted on here! However, what I can say is that, yes, a FWB approach will get you sex and hopefully all the things you feel you've missed out on but unless you completely stop having sex with your husband, you will likely struggle to fully enjoy the FWB experience(s). I gather 6 times or less in a year is classed as sexless but even once a year with your husband is likely to be too much to handle emotionally if you are regularly seeing a FWB.

The resentment you have is more-than-likely a bigger issue than the quality of sex, which of course led you to the resentment

@WineThenMisletoe

The resentment you have is more-than-likely a bigger issue than the quality of sex, which of course led you to the resentment

You are possibly quite right. However, our sex life is a lost cause now. Generally, the relationship is ok but we act more like friends.

@Clarity2019

Your situation or more to the point getting some advice on your situation is what brought me (bloke) to Mumsnet. I understand what you are going through and indeed feel your pain. Certainly no earth shattering answers from me as still in the same situation from when I originally joined and posted on here! However, what I can say is that, yes, a FWB approach will get you sex and hopefully all the things you feel you've missed out on but unless you completely stop having sex with your husband, you will likely struggle to fully enjoy the FWB experience(s). I gather 6 times or less in a year is classed as sexless but even once a year with your husband is likely to be too much to handle emotionally if you are regularly seeing a FWB.

This is a concern of myn, whether I can compartmentalise it all, is another thing, I guess I’ll only know if I try it.

Yes, sorry, wasn't trying to warn you off doing it, just my own take on it.

I don't think it's necessarily morally wrong, it's definitely not selfish. Selfish is him having a satisfying sex life for years while you haven't. Morally wrong is you going behind his back.

Perhaps talk to him about opening your marriage? If he genuinely doesn't want sex, maybe he'd be happy for you to go elsewhere, or maybe it will make him see you as a sexual being and realise he needs to help you fix things between the two of you.

It amazes me how little curiosity some men have about female sexuality. Not all are like this...

I think the dream is to have the comfortable homey friendship/support, and passion alongside it with someone else, and everybody's happy. I don't believe it happens a lot. There are people who manage to keep their affairs secret, but they have to be 100% committed to not being found out , not getting emotionally involved, staying within boundaries, and there's no guarantees even so. Someone gets hurt, often more than one.

If you make the decision to leave, it is unlikely that your husband will stay on your side, especially if you start seeing someone else.

Having said that, an honest split is a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you've lost even the desire to reconnect.

@Likemindedwoman

I don't think it's necessarily morally wrong, it's definitely not selfish. Selfish is him having a satisfying sex life for years while you haven't. Morally wrong is you going behind his back.

Perhaps talk to him about opening your marriage? If he genuinely doesn't want sex, maybe he'd be happy for you to go elsewhere, or maybe it will make him see you as a sexual being and realise he needs to help you fix things between the two of you.

I did wonder whether it was selfish because I’m basically not wanting to end my marriage but I’m also wanting sex alongside our marriage. I guess it makes me selfish but I also think I could say it’s selfish of my DH to give up that part of our life and expect me to remain faithful. Realistically, an open marriage I know is not something he would be comfortable with.

@PermanentTemporary

It amazes me how little curiosity some men have about female sexuality. Not all are like this...

I think the dream is to have the comfortable homey friendship/support, and passion alongside it with someone else, and everybody's happy. I don't believe it happens a lot. There are people who manage to keep their affairs secret, but they have to be 100% committed to not being found out , not getting emotionally involved, staying within boundaries, and there's no guarantees even so. Someone gets hurt, often more than one.

If you make the decision to leave, it is unlikely that your husband will stay on your side, especially if you start seeing someone else.

Having said that, an honest split is a perfectly reasonable thing to do if you've lost even the desire to reconnect.

Yes that is something I’m not sure i will be able to do, I guess only I will know if/when it happens. Often I wonder if I’ll look back with regret if things remain the same for many more years, or maybe I’ll come to some sort of acceptance about my situation.

I did wonder whether it was selfish because I’m basically not wanting to end my marriage but I’m also wanting sex alongside our marriage. I guess it makes me selfish but I also think I could say it’s selfish of my DH to give up that part of our life and expect me to remain faithful. Realistically, an open marriage I know is not something he would be comfortable with.

Yes, of course you are morally wrong, you want the safety/ security/ home life of marriage but at the same time also looking to cheat, but does it make you selfish to want a sex life ?, only you can answer that.

I suppose the moral thing you could do is explain to your husband what your expectations are (in clear terms), if things don’t change, look to end your marriage and see other people.

Whereas the selfish thing would be to cheat with other people , while staying married, if you were a man, you would be ripped a new arsehole for proposing this

No I don’t think I’m selfish for wanting a sex life and feeling desired.
That is very much the moral thing to do, I agree but because he decided sex wasn’t important anymore, I now have to give up my home, my wage won’t cover the mortgage independently, part time custody of my children, an otherwise compatible marriage, as that’s the consequence of me leaving and yes it would also be the consequence should he find out, I know.

I also forgot to add, you could argue he wants a cleaner, childcare, security and companionship whilst not wanting the physical side of a relationship which is also selfish.

I don't think anyone can withdraw sex from a sexual relationship and expect everything else to remain the same.

@Ohshush

I also forgot to add, you could argue he wants a cleaner, childcare, security and companionship whilst not wanting the physical side of a relationship which is also selfish.

Yes, of course this is true, but 2 wrongs don’t make a right, you know this. Maybe he doesn’t like sex, or is gay or has ED, or just doesn’t like having sex with you anymore. There are lot of threads on this forum from women saying that don’t want to have sex with their husbands any more, maybe he is the same, who knows,, but only you can find out. But even if you decide to cheat, would you be happy, and how long until you are found out ?

@Abbo552

He’s not gay and has never had problems with ED, in this case it would be understandable to a degree and he would communicate this with me, not withdraw. Then if he didn’t want sex with me anymore then that would be ok but he hasn’t said this and again he would communicate this with me.

If he has checked out of the relationship, I doubt he would tell you tbh.