Not enough sex

[RainbowRainSunshine]

I'm in a vicious circle.

Married 11 years, together 17. I'm 41, DH 53. No children. Very happy marriage in every respect. Sex is very good.

But, there's not enough of it. I've always had a higher sex drive. We have talked about it until we can't talk anymore. It will increase to 2 or 3 times a week for a short period then go back to once a week at the weekend.

I feel like it's all on his terms. He doesn't want more sex so we don't have more sex. He wants it at the weekend so the weekend it is.

Then I decide to withhold but what's the point if the sex isn't coming?

I do ultimately think he's just selfish. He once said oral sex was a treat (for me) and I have never let him forget that he said it. But I know if I bring it up all the time in a goading way why would he want to do it?

I also think he's lazy. There's never a lot of foreplay (it wasn't a problem 10 years ago!) and he knows my needs to climax have changed. I did point out that he has changed too (comes quickly) and I really don't think he'd considered his side of it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I just wanted to put my feelings here.

“ I've always had a higher sex drive.”

So for the six years prior to your wedding day also. I don’t get why you married him then? Did you think he would change?! It’s not like he’s lost his libido. And it kinda has to be on the terms of the person with the lower sex drive or else it’s a bit co-ercive and rapey.

I do have to agree with @SweetBabyCheeses99 - you shouldn’t pressure him into more sex than he is comfortable having. He has a lower sex drive, that’s who he is and you have to accept it. The only point that he could compromise on is the foreplay - of course he should be making sure it’s enjoyable for you - but then you say the sex is good, so that’s a bit conflicting.

Good sex every week? It may not be your ideal but come on. This is a decent sex life by any objective standard.

You sound quite tormented by the dynamic though and I do wonder about therapy, perhaps just for you.

Sounds like you're a little bit stuck, some couple therapy may help reset both your perspectives, can't just be one that way IMHO.

Also how about trying a little spice? Metro have published the results of a survey about kinks Men vs Women, maybe read it with him and ask him what might be fun for both of you, or if you have your brave pants on try first with what he likes the sound of and see where the yellow brick road takes you both?

In my own experience I found communication first with brave pants on, then talk about what floats boats for both you (also with brave pants on).

Good luck!!

I totally understand, my first wife was like this, sex before we moved in was regular and great stopped very soon after I was horny all the time and she just was not
Eventually we split and sex was the issue
We tried counselling I was ask how many times a week would I ideally like sex I said every day and twice on Sunday, the counsellor laughed …. I was absolutely serious I knew the counsellor did not understand
I am so lucky in that I have a lovely wife who is a horny as me we are no a bit older I am 57 she is 62 we still make love around 5-7 a week, being retired does give lots of time now though it was the same or higher when we first got together 13 years ago
It is miserable to be with someone who has a very different sex drive and no interest in your needs
Good luck !

As per @SweetBabyCheeses99, it’s on the terms the person with the lower sex drive really.
Sorry

Erm, I kinda think that after a few years together once a week is reasonable, so it's really up to you to come down to that level and sort yourself out in between if necessary.
Regarding oral being a treat, well that goes both ways, so don't give if you don't receive (though tricky if he's not interested in BJ's himself -which would be unusual in a male IME).

I do ultimately think he's just selfish. He once said oral sex was a treat (for me) and I have never let him forget that he said it. But I know if I bring it up all the time in a goading way why would he want to do it?

This sounds like a stupid and lazy comment from him and a you bringing it up is childish and a bit pathetic really, I’m not entirely surprised he doesn’t want to have more sex with you, sounds a bit like you wind each other up.