Confused about sexuality

[Confused242]

This is going to sound weird bit i hope i can convey myself well and get some sort of understanding

Abit of background history: im with my dp. Recently had 1 year old dc.

Once i was pregnant sex went off the cards, dc came and it became non existent the usual cliche blah blah. Now we are trying to kick start up our sex life EXCEPT...

I dont like sex anymore. I feel so estranged from it. I feel like its all disgusting. The horniness and the sleaziness of it all. I dont like penises. The thought of doing deogrative things for one repulses me. Why are dicks glorified so much? Why are men such horn dogs? Why is it all about sex otherwise there is no relationship. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for not wanting it and consequently i've been trying to force myself to want it. That has resulted in my ended up feeling pushed away from it even more. I rarely if ever get sexuals urges now. Given, my sex life is crap. I have a long list of unsatisfactory selfish lovers. But i just dont get what all the crap is about. Ive never felt "emotionally connected" or as one. Its all pretty much over before it starts. Why do i need to ram a penis down my throat or make sure my partner comes? Why do i need to risk pregnancy, utis, pain afterwards from being too dry all for him and his dick.

No im not a lesbian. I am in no way shape or form attracted to women. Im just done with sex and men and dicks. The whole thing preplexes me now. It actually makes me angry.

Please someone help me make sense of it all. Everytime my partner dry humps me it does nothing. I lie there with my eyes wide open and my mind goes blank. When he tries to touch me down there it does NOTHING. i am done with this. I feel so deflated. I feel so abnormal for feeling like this. I have no desire for other men. I have no desire for anything.

Sounds like your fed up with your DH more than anything

Why is he penetrating you when you’re dry? That’s going to be uncomfortable for anyone and you are not going to benefit from this.
Does he give you foreplay and are you able to orgasm, including in the past?

If you’re having sex you don’t want, it will lead to resentment and will be detrimental to your mental health in some way. Have an honest chat to your partner, it’s ok to not want to have sex but you need to figure out if you really don’t want sex, or whether it’s because you’re not getting your needs met whilst having sex which will make sex feel like a chore.
It could well be that you haven’t found someone who you connect well with, or it could be that you no longer have an interest for sex which is fine but this will affect your partner, as this would then led to a sexless relationship.

@SparklingStars10 foreplay is a thing of the past for us. I ask him not to go straight to touching me down there but he always does. There is no mental or physical build up. Most of the time im 0 to 50 percent in the mood and then we have a quickie with no foreplay and i hobble to the bathroom and splash cold water on me as i sting.

Ive explained how i need things to be done. I've stressed to my partner im not a guy and i need working up to it but it all seems to fall on deaf ears. He moans that he doesnt know how to turn me on and when he tries he gets shut down. But thats because when he tries he is effectively just groping me or shoving his dick on me then wants sex.

I dont feel like a sexual being anymore. I dont even see myself as possibly being that way. Ive got a flabby belly, always got bad skin, half the time my legs arent even shaved. All of this has happened since being a mum. As i said i feel so deattached from sex and even wanting it. Im sure my partners attitude and "attempts" havent helped me.

He has never made me finished and made it very clear he doesnt even know where to start. At one point he called me broken. This all played into the mental block that its impossible and something is wrong with me.

Im just so done trying. Im still trying to heal from pnd and other trauma. Why does sex have to take up so much of my mental energy and effort?? The whole reason why people have sex is because they find it enjoyable and a release. It does not do that for me. So why must i devote so much of myself to fix it.

Bump

Anyone

OP maybe you're asexual or maybe you've only had sex with selfish crap men and that's the issue.
He has no idea how to make you orgasm but he thinks you're the one that's broken?? Just your description of him is giving me the ick to be honest. Maybe it's time to think about splitting up OP? It sounds like you'd be a lot happier on your own.

If you’ve previously enjoyed sex, I don’t think you’re asexual. It seems your lack of enthusiastic sexual partners are at play here.

Firstly, you need to tell him, no foreplay means no penetration, if he’s happy to have his orgasm but has no concern about yours, he is selfish and it’s no wonder you don’t want sex. Him entering you dry and causing you discomfort is not ok.

So go back to basics, show and tell him how you like to be touched and go from there.
However, if you don’t want sex that’s ok too but you need to put this across to him.

Firstly, you're not "broken"... don't even entertain such nonsense!

It's perfectly normal for your libido to change after having a baby. It takes a loooong time for your body to recover and you have the addition of sleep deprivation etc. So don't beat yourself up for not wanting sex. You are very much normal.

Secondly, if you don't want to have sex, don't force yourself. It stings after because you're too dry for penetration..? Fuck that right off! Doing it to satisfy your partner is a shit idea... you'll just end up even more sexually shut down and resentful of him. In answer to all your questions about "why must !...?", the answer is "you don't have to".

That said, I think intimacy is really important at times like this so tell DH that you want cuddles, kisses and handholds, perhaps even a back rub, but he needs to not push for anything more. He's a grown up.. he can wank until you initiate sex.

Have you tried the Ferly app. Would highly recommend as a tool for mindful masturbation. Perhaps listen to a few of the recordings on there to see if you can feel sexual desire when you're alone. If not, come back to it later.

I don't think this issue has anything to do with your sexuality. I think your DH is a selfish lover and you're tired and fed up.

I have never ever had to hobble to the bathroom after sex with my husband because he has made me sting. You are having shit, painful sex, and you should refuse to do it with him until he listens to you. Or, bin him and have sex with someone who is nice to you instead because he sounds not so borderline abusive.

I love having sex and only do it when I want to. Which, because I have a lovely time, is quite a bit.

You sound very angry, there's clear frustration about your partner's lack of experience and technique. Have you thought about joint sex counseling?

You need to be kind to yourself.
1yo, recovering from PND, partner who isn’t considerate.
It’s not unusual to go off sex after pregnancy and with a small baby to take care of. It probably serves an evolutionary purpose so that the mother can focus on the baby before next one comes.
So - this bit is you. And I do think you still sound depressed and things may change at some point in the future.
I felt the same after babies. It took a while but it did change.

The other side is of course your relationship. And whether or not you care about it lasting.
MN often has a position that men and their needs aren’t important. But I am not sure it’s completely fair, in my opinion.

You don’t want sex now. And this is what you need. Your partner needs sex.
What you do with this is up to you as a couple.

If you have a close relationship - you may be able to communicate honestly about it. He may be able to self-service, you may possibly be able to give him a helping hand. For many men - that would be a way to deal with it in the short term until you two can decide what to do.

When I was in your place - I did stop having sex for a while. I didn’t want to and couldn’t force myself. I was too far gone to care about what my H felt. It didn’t help our relationship in the long term.

In the end of the day - I do think that if one person in a relationship decides to stop their sex life, they need to be honest and let their partner leave, or open up their relationship.