Trigger warning. Is this ptsd?

[sho22]

Trigger warning*
Mentions rape.

Ok so this is going to be hard for me to explain but I’ll give it a try.
Back when I was 15 me and my boyfriend were doing the deed. I consented as did he, he was on top.
Halfway through it started to get a little painful so I asked him to stop in which he didn’t, I kept telling him to stop and he just ignored me. It got to the point where I felt I had to tense and push him out of me which made the pain worse. Once he’d finished he cuddled me and acted like nothing had happened, I later broke up with him. I was in two minds and didn’t tell anyone due to not deeming it as rape. I still to this day don’t know if it’s classed or not.

Cut a long story short I’m 24 now, in a great relationship and have a 9 month old.
My issue is, sometimes when doing the deed with my partner, if he’s on top I will sometimes feel the intense pain I got back then, because I have my eyes shut it instantly takes me back and I immediately freak out and panic.
My partner is so good and stops straight away and will help me come back to the room, he lets me know I’m safe.

I just wanted to know if anyone else experienced this? Does it sound like ptsd or something similar? I’m struggling to understand why it still happens 9 years on.
Sorry for the TMI, and thanks for reading 💗

How awful for you, do you feel you can talk to a counsellor about your experience?
I guess you already know this but under 16s cannot consent to sex, even if they want to have sex. So this could also be an issue that’s building up inside. I hope you can speak to someone who can help you. Traumatic events can stay with us for a long time afterwards and it’s how we move forward knowing that x has happened but the here and now is different and your partner is not this boy.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Yes, it is rape, although he'd never be convicted for it. That is shameful, our justice system is shit. But most importantly - yes, that very much sounds like PTSD and you should try to seek help for that, for your own self. Waiting lists are long, but even getting the ball rolling on seeking help can sometimes relive a tiny bit of the stress.

Well done for asking, I really hope that you get the help that you deserve. And again, I'm so sorry you experienced this.

Yes it is rape and yes it sounds like PTSD. How awful for you, your partner is not this boy and it's a good sign that he reassures you and stops if you're uncomfortable. Have you considered therapy for this as it is clearly causing you some distress?

@RodJaneFreddy
I've never considered talking to someone about it, I suppose I've felt I haven't needed too. I might take a look into this now though because it does seem to happen more nowadays. Thank you x

@Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails
How would I go about finding someone to talk to? Through my GP?
Thank you, I always just thought it was something that happened but the more it happens the more I think it's not right x

@MissCruellaDeVil
Honestly he is so supportive, I instantly feel guilt because it must make him feel quite bad about himself but he always reassures me.

I never considered it, I didn't think I needed it and thought I'd just be wasting time because it doesn't happen every time. But I've noticed it happens more regularly now so I might take a look into this.
Thank you x