Sex with my husband

[NameChangeforObviousR]

Seeking advice about how to start up good sex life with my DH. It's a bit embarrassing but I'm sure it's pretty common. Briefly, we had a baby in 2020 and for ages afterwards I didn't want sex - we tried a few times but I was suddenly very dry and sore due to drop in hormones. Spoke to GP eventually after a number of months who prescribed oestrogen gel. Anyway, aside from that it's the usual story - I feel constantly tired looking after toddler, busy SAHP, missing my self confidence. Childcare issues meant I didn't return to my job which I am missing and I think it's taken away a huge part of my identity and feeling like a sexy woman as opposed to a tired nearly middle aged, frazzled mum.

In a nutshell I just haven't felt sexy or horny for months. I love my DH and whilst we've had some rocky patches since having a baby our relationship is good and I do fancy him. He's a bit younger than me and I find him good looking etc. But since baby I haven't felt horny anymore. It's just gone. I suggested and he agreed we try a maintenance shag once a week (we don't call it that as it's off-putting, but that's essentially what it is) to try to keep things ticking along. I guess I've been hoping that I'll just suddenly want to rip his clothes off one day, but it never happens. I'd rather get into my pyjamas early and make a herbal tea or a glass of wine! I don't want to feel that way.

Last week I had a really sexy dream about a high profile person in the public eye (embarrassing!). They are older than DH but do a similar job to him, though they are in the public eye, and dress similarly for their job. Since then I've had a few daydream fantasies about sex with this famous person - harmless stuff. I thought it was a good sign that I was feeling horny, but when I try to "transfer" those daydreams on to my DH it doesn't work!

Now I'm more worried because the sexy dream and subsequent day fantasies mean that I am capable of feeling horny after all - but it's not happening about my DH.

I don't know what to do about it. Everything I read suggests trying naughty underwear etc but it's the last thing I feel like! Also we have no childcare to go away by ourselves or anything.

Has anyone been through this and found their mojo again? Any advice?

---

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Think I should have posted this on Relationships in hindsight!

A bump for this!

I think this is more a relationship issue and you may want to ask for it to be moved. Much more traffic on there too so you will get lots of replies.

I just want to know who the dream was about?!

Could you start with a regular date night instead of a regular shag night ?
Spend some time together and bring back the romance and hopefully when rest will follow in time without the pressure .

Are there other ways that you can be intimate with your DH aside from sex? Rather than setting time aside for a "maintenance shag", can you find the time to have a bath or shower together? To give each other a massage?

You might find those kind of activities more appealing and less of a chore. I really do think it's important to keep some sense of closeness and intimacy, even when your libido is at rock bottom.

I empathise OP.

I could have written your post word for word.

I love my husband very much, I am very attracted to him but my desire to have sex with him is nearly non existent. It just isn’t there.

Our youngest son was born in 2017 and we didn’t have sex for about 18 months after that. My libido just went.

After those 18 months I knew that for the sake of the relationship I had to try and find a way to work through it but 3 years on and things aren’t much better.

I would say we have sex at least once a week (he’d obviously like it much more often) but I feel like I’m doing it to make him happy as opposed to me desiring it too.

When we are having sex I really enjoy it - but that initial urge to want to have sex or to instigate sex has just disappeared.

It’s awful. I know it upsets him but he never makes me feel bad about it all. He’s very understanding and knows that it’s not him and it’s an issue with me, but I think his confidence still takes a knock every time I rebuff his advances.

Like you, i would rather get in bed with a cup of tea and watch a film than have sex.

I work 30 hours a week in quite a stressful job and a lot of the general childcare lands in my lap too and so I think I just feel like I need some space. I spend my days at work responding to people wants/demands, I have the same when I get home because of the children, and so when the children go to bed the last thing I want to do is have to deal with my husband’s wants too. I just want some time to myself where I can just be me and not someone who feels like they are constantly “on call” to someone else.

It’s so hard.

I felt the exact same as you, I think having a baby changes you and the way you feel about yourself. I found it very hard to conjure up sexy partner me from mum me if that makes sense.

What helped me is figuring out what made me feel sexy. For me, it was finding some sexy lingerie that was still comfortable. Got some silky but still mum high waisted knickers and some nice silky nightdresses.

It’s a slow start but found it gets better when you get more into it. Maybe say to your partner you’re struggling to get in the mood and ask if he can try and do things for you that may help like sensual massage or cuddles and kisses on the sofa. But he needs to be in the mindset that it might not lead anywhere yet but it will help eventually. Hope you find something that helps you!

I would recommend checking out Dr Karen Gurney, she had written at least one book about desire, specially in long term relationships and it's really interesting reading. She has a Ted talk on YouTube that's a really great 10 minute listen.

What you're experiencing is really common and doesn't mean that you don't love your partner.