How do I get my body confidence back?

[Notconfident]

Recently started sleeping with someone new on a FWB basis after being with my ex partner for a very long time. It's only been once so far, seen each other naked. We've been sexting recently and he's mentioned wanting to admire me naked next time before having sex and it's made me feel very shy/embarrassed. I put on weight after my child was born, have a mum tum, cellulite etc. It doesn't bother the person I'm sleeping with at all, this is very much my issue, not his.

This kind of thing wasn't an issue before my relationship with my ex partner, I've since had a child, my body changed and to begin with the body changes didn't bother me until my ex started commenting on them negatively and for a long time sex was with the lights off/under the covers.

I know why I've lost confidence about my body, but how do I learn to get that confidence back and learn to love my body again?

He wants to admire you naked, to appreciate all of you, to help bring you to a place that will help you to accept how beautiful you are.

It doesn't have to be under the glare of kitchen lights, it can be a slow reveal helped by candles, and you can do the same to him.... if you want to of course.

Good luck op, I know it can't be easy, but build trust with the guy and it will come (fnaaaaaaarrrr!)

Don't get me wrong, I do like that he wants to, as I said it's a me issue after years of being worn down by my ex. He is very attentive so far and is always taking on board what I want/need even when we're just texting (it's lovely!) I've known my FWB for almost 20 years (give or take) and trust him implicitly as he's a very genuine person anyway (which has never been easy for me with people).

I've already admired him naked (haha) :D

I've lost a lot of weight since splitting with my ex (still fat though) thanks to stress, but it hasn't really helped body confidence wise. I've never thought of myself as beautiful/good looking, but I had a lot more confidence when I was younger and that confidence came from within not because of other people and I really want to get back to that again. I just don't know how.

Good luck op, I know it can't be easy, but build trust with the guy and it will come (fnaaaaaaarrrr!) gringrin

I hope it will 'come' (haha)

Men find confidence extremely sexy: a woman with a theoretically 'perfect' body who is not confident in her own skin will not be seen in the way that a woman who is self-assured even though she might have a tummy/stretch marks/breasts that are no longer pert/etc. Sexy people love other people who are sexy and who are happy to let their bodies be enjoyed by themselves and their partners.

I think that you need to see his reaction when you are happy enough to let him 'admire' you in all your glory. Of course, you don't have that confidence at the moment so you are going to have to fake it until you can make it.

So, pull on your big girl pants, or more importantly take them off, and let him revel in your body. I bet my house that he will love it.

Best wishes.

In addition to losing weight from stress - get yourself on a good eating plan and sigh up for a gym. It takes time - took me a few years after kids to get into exercise - and few more years after that to actually get my pre-kids confidence back. But benign physically active does help both the mood and body confidence.

@xpc316e

*"So, pull on your big girl pants, or more importantly take them off, and let him revel in your body. I bet my house that he will love it. "

That made me laugh out loud, thank you!

@Josuk I'm not working out at the gym right now but I am eating better than I was when I was with my ex and doing a lot more physically. I'm limited in what I can do due to health problems but I do a lot of walking and at the moment I'm getting my new house sorted so doing decorating etc which means I'm up and down ladders (even though I'm not supposed to be due to said health problems!) I've never much liked exercise even when I was skinny, I'd do everything I could to get out of it but I've always walked everywhere as much as possible which I got into as a kid because we were a non-driving family.

My comment about exercising was less about it being for weightloss and more for getting out there and doing something physical surrounded by other people doing the same.
Climbing ladders and painting walls won’t get you the same confidence boost as doing a class at a gym. With people of all shapes around. And possibly with other men/women checking you out.
If you don’t like the gym - walking or running works too.

Thing is about our confidence - we often need external validation. It’s nice when other people look and check you out - in a non-creepy way, obviously.
And one needs to leave house for that.

If not exercising - get some new clothes and go out with friends. Etc

@Josuk

My comment about exercising was less about it being for weightloss and more for getting out there and doing something physical surrounded by other people doing the same. Climbing ladders and painting walls won’t get you the same confidence boost as doing a class at a gym. With people of all shapes around. And possibly with other men/women checking you out. If you don’t like the gym - walking or running works too.

Thing is about our confidence - we often need external validation. It’s nice when other people look and check you out - in a non-creepy way, obviously.
And one needs to leave house for that.

If not exercising - get some new clothes and go out with friends. Etc

Thank you :)

Am already working on the new clothes (ex partner would say I could get new clothes and then just not make the money available... I'v been working on replacing my wardrobe since I left!) and going out with friends so that's a bonus.

I was already thinking of looking into the gym next year once my house is sorted (can't justify the cost of signing up for a gym membership at the moment) but I may do swimming instead as I do like swimming.

I spent half my life with my ex partner so I'm slowly easing into 'people'ing' as it were as I find it daunting otherwise.

@xpc316e

Men find confidence extremely sexy: a woman with a theoretically 'perfect' body who is not confident in her own skin will not be seen in the way that a woman who is self-assured even though she might have a tummy/stretch marks/breasts that are no longer pert/etc. Sexy people love other people who are sexy and who are happy to let their bodies be enjoyed by themselves and their partners.

I think that you need to see his reaction when you are happy enough to let him 'admire' you in all your glory. Of course, you don't have that confidence at the moment so you are going to have to fake it until you can make it.

So, pull on your big girl pants, or more importantly take them off, and let him revel in your body. I bet my house that he will love it.

Best wishes.

100% this, there nothing more sexy than a woman who is confident in their own skin.

Men in the world love all body shapes, thin, curvy and BBW. Your FWB chose you.

When I split up from my exH, I bought a ridiculous amount of lingerie and clothes and it certainly helped me feel better.

It also helps you feel sexy if someone else thinks you're bloody gorgeous. Laugh, fake it until you make it and ride like you'll never ride again!

I agree with all above. Also, if you're on social media, tidy up your feed and get rid of all the thin = happiness accounts and start following the people promoting body confidence. It really helps to see different body shapes, women comfortable in their skin and the message that you are permitted to be sexy as you are. It's a sweet relief to come away from the whole toxic diet culture.

I'm in a similar position as you, my ex did judge me and I felt it. Now I have a FWB who really likes my body and from the off I've not felt self conscious with him. Its hugely liberating and I honestly think I'm walking 10ft taller because of it.

I agree, fake that self esteem and it'll catch up.

@Getbehindme

I agree with all above. Also, if you're on social media, tidy up your feed and get rid of all the thin = happiness accounts and start following the people promoting body confidence. It really helps to see different body shapes, women comfortable in their skin and the message that you are permitted to be sexy as you are. It's a sweet relief to come away from the whole toxic diet culture.

I'm in a similar position as you, my ex did judge me and I felt it. Now I have a FWB who really likes my body and from the off I've not felt self conscious with him. Its hugely liberating and I honestly think I'm walking 10ft taller because of it.

I agree, fake that self esteem and it'll catch up.

Thanks for this. FWB neer makes me feel self conscious, I feel self conscious because of the shit that went on before if that makes sense? Me and FWB were always flirty friends and it naturally progressed after I split with my ex. There was always an attraction there which was never acted on until now and putting on weight doesn't seem to have put him off lol :)

He always seems conscious of making me feel good about myself and I've never had this before with sexual partners either. I'm not on social media at the moment as I decided to take a break a while ago as I wasn't paying much attention to it anyway and I don't watch much TV either lol.

My head has been royally fucked by my ex and I'm noticing it more now with my FWB because I wasn't like this before around him, I was never shy or self-conscious. (I hadn't seen him in person since before I got with my ex until this year which is why I'm noticing how different I am now if that makes sense?)

@B1rdflyinghigh

Men in the world love all body shapes, thin, curvy and BBW. Your FWB chose you.

When I split up from my exH, I bought a ridiculous amount of lingerie and clothes and it certainly helped me feel better.

It also helps you feel sexy if someone else thinks you're bloody gorgeous. Laugh, fake it until you make it and ride like you'll never ride again!

Lingerie!! I've been buying that too! lol. I really want to find a LBD that suits my shape/style but so far I haven't found anything that I wouldn't feel frumpy in if I bought it.

Notconfident - any LBD lying in a crumpled heap on your bedroom floor while you go at it like hammer and tongs will suit you down to the ground. Don't waste energy agonising over such things, and put the way you were treated by your ex right to the very back of your mind. Don't carry all that heavy baggage around with you. That was then, this is now, and you are with a different partner. Live for the moment and jump in at the deep end; I promise that you will not drown.

@xpc316e I'm trying to get rid of the baggage but unfortunately I see have to see him because of our DC. Started therapy which I'm hoping will help to release the mental load. thankfully thinking about ex is getting less and less, it's just when things trigger certain memories. But I'll get there! Actually found a LBD I like... :D will be getting it when I have the funds!

Notconfident, it sounds as though you are taking all the right steps to get your life heading in the direction you want it to go. One thing that helped me (and continues to help when I feel down) is the thought that what happened in the past is vital if I am to appreciate where my life currently is. I had a hellish 15 year marriage, but in a weird way I don't regret it as without it I wouldn't know how lucky I am to be with my partner. It's definitely a case of what doesn't break you, eventually makes you stronger.

Exactly! I think I'll feel a bit better once things are a bit more stable for me as well? A lot has happened this year and I definitely appreciate where me and my friend are at right now as he does make me feel desired and wanted and has always been there for me, even when I wasn't great towards him due to stuff with my ex, as I said it's my own head that's the problem! It's a case of knowing what the problem is and trying to figure out a way to help myself heal and accept everything that has happened. I love my life right now and while I get lonely and don't particularly like living by myself, it's preferable to where I was this time last year with my ex.

Honestly, if he wants to be having sex with you, your body size / shape really doesn’t matter, if you are worried try something like a thin but long flowing robe that you can easily slip off when needed…

I agree with all above. Also, if you're on social media, tidy up your feed and get rid of all the thin = happiness accounts and start following the people promoting body confidence. It really helps to see different body shapes, women comfortable in their skin and the message that you are permitted to be sexy as you are. It's a sweet relief to come away from the whole toxic diet culture.

This!!!

Go and look at the work of Kat Shaw.
Slowly but surely you will look in the mirror and see one of her goddesses reflected back.

It went well... I was too busy being given an amazing orgasm to notice him watching me...

That's brilliant @Notconfident!
And that's exactly what you need to do - replace those bad memories of the Ex with bloody fabulous ones like the orgasm!
Doing these small things that make us confident, future proofs us for all subsequent relationships.

Remember he is your Ex for a reason - try not to look backwards, you are not heading that way. You deserve to be happy and your new man sounds like he is just the person you need at this time.
Remind yourself that you have a great FWB that makes you feel good about yourself, thank your wonderful body for giving you amazing orgasms. Buy the nice clothes & underwear that you can wear everyday to make you feel great/confident in yourself.
Enjoy every minute OP.

@Sunshineandswimming7

That's brilliant *@Notconfident*! And that's exactly what you need to do - replace those bad memories of the Ex with bloody fabulous ones like the orgasm! Doing these small things that make us confident, future proofs us for all subsequent relationships. Remember he is your Ex for a reason - try not to look backwards, you are not heading that way. You deserve to be happy and your new man sounds like he is just the person you need at this time. Remind yourself that you have a great FWB that makes you feel good about yourself, thank your wonderful body for giving you amazing orgasms. Buy the nice clothes & underwear that you can wear everyday to make you feel great/confident in yourself. Enjoy every minute OP.

FWB is honestly ace, he's one of my best friends and makes me feel very special/good about myself and then I wonder what I was worrying about lol. My libido has gone through the roof again since seeing him XD and not sure when I'll see him next but that's okay :)

Still working on my wardrobe but getting there, I bought some sexy underwear which we both loved . My house isn't fully sorted yet as I left with almost nothing (things are exactly that at the end of the day, people are always more important) so I'm not doing everything at once.