What do I do?

[Marriedconfused]

I have been married to a lovely man for coming on 20 years, we have a beautiful home, we also have our wonderful children. We settled down at a young age and both had limited sexual experience before we got together. We’ve experienced problems with sex along the way, this I think is mainly because we didn’t have much sexual experience before we got together.

I am at a point now where I wonder what sex with another man would be like, I fantasise about having sex with other men, a lot.
I have good banter with a male colleague and there is a sexual connection there but nothing has or will happen between us whilst we both remain married.

I can’t shake this feeling and I don’t understand why for the last few months I’ve been feeling this way, is this normal in long-term relationships?
Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis.
I just don’t know what to do, the feeling is just getting stronger and as much as I keep telling myself I should be happy with the wonderful life I have, it doesn’t change how I feel.

There's no such thing as a midlife crisis just people wanting to fuck other people when they're bored imo.

I would focus on your marriage tbh. You have a lovely man, beautiful house and wonderful kids. You are lucky!

So forget flirting with randoms at work and take some responsibility for your sex life. If you're bored then your dh is too. Talk to your husband he may well be fantasising about sex with another woman. Maybe try swinging?!

Or discuss swinging?

I am not wanting to sleep with others whilst married to my husband, or intend to use the term midlife crisis to justify sleeping with others, I didn’t know what term to use that best suited how I felt.

I have been happy living the life I have lived for the many years we’ve been together but I’ve been feeling this way for a good few months now. I think I’m just wondering if it’s normal to feel this way, after having the same sexual partner for nearly 20 years, just wondering what it would be like to be intimate with another man and maybe you’re right, he could also feel this way but my impression is he doesn’t.

Swinging is not really something that I feel would work, to be honest I don’t actually know what I want. I suppose I’m wondering if it’s normal to feel this way after this length of time being in a long-term relationship.

Yes, I think it's normal to feel this way. You can love someone and still find others attractive, still wonder what it would be like to have sex with a different person, still fantasise about things that may never happen. 20 years is a very long time. These thoughts do not make you a bad person.

How old are you both what age did you get together and if you thinking of risking everything what age are the kids ?

Swapswap Thank you for your post, the problem is though, what if it’s just not enough. I know I sound awful but I’m not an awful person in RL, I think I’ve just reached a point in my life where I’m questioning everything and maybe deep down I’m not really happy anymore.

Hi. I don’t really have much to offer by way of advice but I wanted to say you’re not the first person to feel like this having been in such a long relationship. I met my dh when I was 18 and we are both 38 now. 20 years is a long time and as things change I think people can get to a point where they wonder what if and if the grass is greener. I am one of those people. I love my dh more than life itself and I love the little family that we have created together but I do sometimes wonder if it’s enough. When it comes to shed specifically we have had our moments over the years when things haven’t been great. I have a really high sex drive and my dh doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong if he doesn’t went it then I accept that and don’t make him feel uncomfortable in any way but I’m secretly frustrated. In general we have a great relationship. He’s attentive, funny, caring etc and is a great dad to our kids so I feel selfish for sometimes needing more.

OP - its totally normal to feel this way after 20 years, settling down young. and not having had much experience prior to that.
It is highly likely that your H is also feeling the same way, unless he has a generally low sex drive.
In fact - I think it’d be strange if you didn’t wonder about sex with others. Humans aren’t swans, we aren’t meant to mate for life.

I think you need to separate sexual frustration from issues with your relationship. It is also very likely that you have outgrown your relationship - this also happens a lot with people who met young. You both have changed and matured. You might not be a good fit anymore.
And the good news is that you are still young enough to date and find a partner that is better suited for each of you.

However - if this all does end up being just a sexual curiosity about others - I do think it’s possible to deal with it by communicating openly and broadening some boundaries.
I have a few friends in similar situation - long long marriage, etc - and they have some rules that allow both to play outside of marriage - with certain conditions.

But for starters - I think you need to maybe talk to a counsellor to see what it is that you want.

Thank you for all the responses.
I have been reading some things online which has helped too.
I guess I just need to think about what it is I really want and how to move forwards.

I am in exactly the same boat OP.

@widestripe It’s difficult isn’t it, my situation is no better than what it was.

Hand namechanged as I'm on here a lot and DH knows I'm a regular MNetter.

What I will say is that I had to reply as I could have written your post word for word @Marriedconfused.

Been with my DH since I was 17, married and generally happy; flirty work colleague; wondering all the time about other men. It's uncanny!! I have always had a much higher sex drive than DH. The fact he's getting older hasn't improved things either.

I do think this is all very normal but these feelings didn't really start until this year and it's shocked me to the core. Made me question everything and, while I think I'm generally happy, I often have 'what if?' moments.

What things were you reading online? I'd be interested to read them too.

My view is spice, biggest sex toy is between your ears, Metro published a survey of top kinks recently, you could look it up with your DH and see what you both think.... outdoors, dressing up all sorts!!

metro.co.uk/2021/06/12/these-are-the-top-sexual-kinks-of-men-and-women-14759594/

Don't bone a random colleague