No orgasms!

[StuckInThisPlace]

I posted a thread in the past asking for sex tips and now I am back looking for more advice. I'm just not sure what to make of all this.

I've been someone for a few months and the sex has very intimate and pleasurable and I've really enjoyed it. However the problem is that I haven't had an orgasm with him yet. I do struggle to orgasm with partners but I can do it very easily on my own, so I know that it is possible and of course my experience would be massively enhanced if I would have orgasms with him. I'm really turned on by him, we have great sexual chemistry so from the perspective there is so much potential for me to cum.

When we have sex it seems to follow the same formula every time: foreplay consisting of kissing and him touching me in a way that it is very, very arousing and pleasurable but not conducive to orgasm for me. It is, however, great foreplay and really gets me going. This is followed by some brief mutual touching (and sometimes me giving him oral, which I love to do), then PIV which again is incredibly pleasurable for but does not bring me to orgasm. The end result is that he cums and I am left feeling still very aroused. I've tried touching myself during PIV but that doesn't work for me. I understand that he is not a mind reader and that I need to be active in helping the situation.

Therefore, on two occasions, at the point where we normally move from touching to PIV I have asked him if he could please continue touching me but in a different position (me on my back, where I could more easily cum) and have given some feed back (i.e a bit less pressure, guiding him back to my clitoris when he loses his way). Both times he has obliged but his enthusiasm basically disappeared and I just felt very self conscious. I mentioned that I felt I was taking too long and he said not to worry, but he clearly wasn't in to what he was doing. I felt like it wasn't going anywhere as I couldn't relax and I've suggested moving on.

The thing that bothers me is that both times the end result was that we then had a bit of unenthusiastic PIV followed by him going soft and it all coming to a slightly awkward end. That's not an issue in itself, it happens and of course there should be no pressure that he has to cum every time. But the feeling I'm left with is that I've somehow "ruined" the sex by asking him for what I need to (maybe) cum. That his experience has been somehow disrupted by me asking him to touch me for longer or in a different way. I suppose I can understand that it would be tedious to be touching someone in a monotonous way to try to make them cum, and to be fair to him he does spend quite a bit of time touching me during foreplay. But equally it's not fun being the person that never has an orgasm during sex and clearly what we are doing so far isn't enough for it to happen.

This happened for the second time last night and today I'm feeling really rubbish about it all. What should I do?

Would you be open to including toys in your play? Maybe a vibrator to use on your clit?

Thanks for replying @Fakehungarian
To be honest I am not a fan of sex toys, the few I've tried haven't worked for me. That might be because I've always found it very easy to orgasm using just my fingers. But I suppose it could be worth a try.

Sorry but start to consider the precedents a bit here.

‘The lady always comes first’ is a good rule for everyone to get used to early. It trains men to get used to a certain (slower) pace, shakes up that boring ‘PIV is the main course’ dynamic and leads to men discovering how cool it is to make women come. And come again.

If you let the formula you’ve fallen into continue much longer, the whole thing will set in stone. Depending on his age, it may already be too late for him to become a good lover? You say he’s stimulating you, but in his mind it could easily be a ‘getting you wet’ scenario, with his ultimate orgasm in mind rather than yours.

I’m not seeing the ‘and then he buckles down and gives me the 20 mins of oral sex/fingers/whatever that gets me off’ part? That part is not a favour, by the way, good lovers get a lot out of that. Good lovers pride themselves on it. Get off on you getting off.

Time to have a talk or do the ‘whisper into ear thing’ about how it’s your turn. And how hot he makes you when you get close, but close ain’t cutting it. Tell him to count on a full hour of you just enjoying things, and I bet your head will get into the spirit of things (and it may be far less time). If he grimaces or loses momentum then babe, it’s time to get up and put on Netflix and the kettle. Calmly, but making your point.

You are allowed to want to come. You are not there just to provide pleasure and release. Defeat your programming love, or find a bloke with more pride, stamina and skill. And a modicum of empathy!

@MadameMonk
I’m not seeing the ‘and then he buckles down and gives me the 20 mins of oral sex/fingers/whatever that gets me off’ part? That part is not a favour, by the way, good lovers get a lot out of that. Good lovers pride themselves on it. Get off on you getting off.

That is exactly it! That's the bit that is missing. He went down on me once for probably 30 seconds and honestly I am totally fine with it if he isn't in to oral, fingers is great for me. But whether it's fingers or oral, I do need that time where he is just focusing on me, on giving me pleasure and when I can lie back and relax in to it. Previous partners have loved to do that and it's been clear that it hasn't made them less aroused, in facts it made them MORE aroused!

Basically he is a selfish lover - he is not prepared to spend the time just on you.

And the fact when using his fingers he wanders off your clit tells you he is not really concentrating and isnt fussed

time for a blunt conversation

@Wherearemymarbles

Basically he is a selfish lover - he is not prepared to spend the time just on you.

And the fact when using his fingers he wanders off your clit tells you he is not really concentrating and isnt fussed

time for a blunt conversation

Yes, it is surprising to me that he keeps moving away from the clit! I would have thought it's fairly common for women to need consistent clitoral stimulation to orgasm?

Do you think the selfish lover thing is irredeemable? Taking in to consideration that he is already in his fifties. I am happy to give feedback and tips, tell him what works for me etc, but the willingness has to be there on his part.

It could be he is a little bit clueless about the female orgasm, maybe because previous sexual partners haven’t been open and honest enough with him. All is not lost, if you can have an honest conversation with him and let him know you are not orgasming, hopefully this will open up a dialogue between you both, if he’s not open to ensuring the pleasure is mutual, then it simply won’t change and the sex will always be mediocre and you shouldn’t be forgoing your orgasm, whilst he gets his.

Good luck!

I have a similar issue with my partner. He is a bit clueless and is older which makes it harder. A big part of it is his worry is that he won’t keep his errection long enough, then I would get stressed that I was taking too long and so would end up taking even longer.
What we do now is have piv and then he sees to me. I can relax about it and it’s so much better.

That's a really interesting perspective @BigButtons re keeping the erection. I hadn't thought about it in that way!

Can I ask, is your partner able to be enthusiastic and seemingly still enjoying pleasuring you after his own orgasm? I find it hard to be aroused and get pleasure when I know the other person isn't enjoying what they are doing. Hence why his unenthusiastic attempts at touching me have left me feeling self conscious.

@StuckInThisPlace yes he is- but it took us a long time to get to a place where we are happy. He doesn’t like oral and I do- sad but not a deal breaker. I got him to use a toy in the end because his finger technique wasn’t that great. I had to teach him a lot and we had a few arguments.

@BigButtons
Yes, I think that step one for me is probably going to have to be a frank discussion outside of the bedroom. I'm not great at talking about sex and certainly not about my own needs. I think I already feel some level of embarrassment about how tricky it is for me to come with partners, as my ex used to call me frigid and say that I must have mental issues. So it's hard to shake the feeling that I am being awkward and demanding.
But I'm trying to hold on to the fact that some other women do have the same problem as me.

@StuckInThisPlace good that’s really awful re your ex. What a shorty thing to do to you. For women sex starts in their heads so if they are already anxious it’s not going to be as good. Good luck with the chat. I think open honest discussions are really important
I have said to my partner that the only way he is going to know what I need as an individual is for me to tell him . Each woman and man is different in what they enjoy and want.

He’s a selfish lover
Sex shouldn’t be over until you both come
If we finish PIV and I haven’t come , I’ll ask them to play with my nipples and I’ll finish myself off
Or vice Versa
It’s poor etiquette OP

Following. I used to fake orgasms 😞. I was shy, and just didn't know what to tell a partner what to do. This went on for years and in fact my last LTR of 6 years never had an Orgasm with him! In black and white that looks rubbish (because it is).

Fortunately I met someone who is patient and I was honest with them at the start I found it hard to orgasm with a partner. He is very patient. But it's still hit and miss and I couldn't honestly tell you exactly what works for me. It's frustrating but at least I don't fake anymore. I almost expect / want a guy to know exactly what does it without me telling them as I don't know myself. 👀🤷🏻‍♀️

If I haven't come (and sometimes it can take a very long time and my DP can last hours but sometimes it doesn't work) then I use a toy with him after. It's important.

He sounds clueless rather than mean (maybe selfish though)
Can you incorporate a vibrator or something else, during or before/after. Teach him what you need. If he doesn't get aroused by it then there's something badly amiss!

I think you need to have the conversation outside the bedroom if it all gets a big awkward when you bring it up in the middle of things. Tell him it takes you a long time to orgasm and you love what he's doing and it really gets you going but to reach orgasm you need a particular touch done consistently and to really be able to concentrate on what he's doing. A vibrator is a quick fix for me too, makes me orgasm quicker but I find the intensity of a vibrator slightly numbing and orgasms are much more localised then they are with fingers or tongue. I wouldn't go to the vibrator yet, it's good if you just want a quickie but far better if he can do the job himself and important that he is prepared to put that effort in. He might think you're taking a long time because he's doing a shit job though so maybe reassure him about that. He also might lose his errection a bit if he's putting all his concentration into doing things right for you but you can soon turn that around afterwards.