Sex has become awkward.... help!

[Sammiekim]

Just that really. Me and dp have a nearly one year old, during my pregnancy I was in constant discomfort and hated the thought of having sex. Now that the baby is here we havent really picked up having an active consistent sex life because I had an emergency c section, then the baby co slept with is ect. So because of all this we habent had a proper sex life in about two years. Now whenever we try to do things or dp tries to initiate things it feels so awkward, like I'm trying to have sex with a friend. I dont even think he knows or remember what I look like down there

I dont really ever feel sexy or get in the mood with him. Sometimes I just burst out laughing or if he does do something it just feels so raw like i can feel him doing it but because there is no emotion there on my behalf it is literally someone just doing things to me (if that makes sense). Help!

I can appreciate this because I felt exactly the same.
For me, I just didn’t feel like a sexual person anymore. I had changed. He had changed. I was accepting of my body because I’d been through labour and breastfed and midwives had looked at my body for long periods. I’d pooped in front of a room full of people including my husband.
Things had gotten very clinical and matter of fact.
That can be very liberating but equally it desexualised my body.
It’s difficult to get back to the point where things are sexual again.
Perhaps you don’t feel like there’s been that transition from being a mum to being the person you once were.
Can you speak to your partner about it? Have a date night or just make a plan?

It’s really a difficult situation because for me, I didn’t want to go back to who I was before. I was so much more now and that was empowering. However, assuming you want an intimate sexual relationship with him, you might want to tell him how you feel.

Go easy though because whilst everything in your head and body may have changed, very little may have changed for him (excluding being mindful and considerate of your pain discomfort or tiredness) and he may feel rejected by this.
I’m not saying pander to the fact that he is unaware or even ignorant, I’m saying what he doesn’t know might come as a surprise and deal with it tactfully which I’m sure you would.
Good luck xx

When I say - he had changed - I meant how I saw him had changed TO ME.
He was no longer solely my partner (and all of the other labels I’d been used to - son, brother, colleague etc) he was now responsible for our child, people saw him as a dad. I’d never had a relationship with a dad before 🤣

I agree with you. To a certain degree at home with my baby and partner I do NOT feel like a sexual being at all. However i do feel more sexually awakened around other men when i am out. I could happily sleep with a stranger after a couple of drinks so I dont know if it's me and my partner that is the issue here or all the other factors around me

I can appreciate that element too as I’m now separated from my husband.

After a lot of exploration away from him, I realised initially I stopped feeling sexual altogether then I associated being with him as not being sexual because of who we had become. The house, the baby, the responsibility, how he needed me to be, how I needed him to be was all tied up in ‘us’ and that’s not very sexy.

Whereas, when I went out, I was just me. I’d made an effort with myself, I was relaxed, no one needed anything from me, I felt good and someone seeing me as an attractive woman was very flattering. I lost my identity a lot after having kids. Some people think of that as selfish to say which is why I didn’t speak about it.

I’d like to point out, I didn’t cheat.

Assuming you want to continue this relationship with him, I’d maybe look at couples counselling or some kind of therapy because it doesn’t just go away. Especially if you live with a man who is just happy to plod along and allow things to deteriorate.

I wish you well x

Agree with @Izbizbiz. I always think that when MNers ask questions like this, they wouldn't ask if they were happy with their feelings. Talk to a counsellor that specialises in sex therapy. You either need to be happy and sexual or happy that you're not. And you need your DP to be on the same page. A counsellor will help you on that path.
Good luck.❤

Have you had any evenings out or in together without the baby? Get dressed up and see each other not just in the role of Mum or Dad but as romantic and sexual beings again.

Or maybe watch some TV programmes together that have a bit of raunch? (I can't think which offhand, but others might have suggestions.)

@me4real with live with family so watching tv and getting off is a big no no. It's bad enough having a baby but having our family around us as well is just a giant mood kill. In terms of going out we are usually way too tired, or broke or just dont have the child care for it. So no we only see each other exhausted, bags under the eyes, looking a mess. Full on parent mode. Sometimes we joke that we have forgotten who we are and what is like to just be in our early 20s. On the rare occasion I see a friend its always such a huge relief to know the girl i was before i was pregnant is still there. She just isnt really around with my partner because I'm always on mum mode.

@Estherpologist I suppose I'm not. But that's most likely a contribution of things such as society making me feel like young people should be going at it like rabbits, wanting to please my partner and make him happy, and maybe me thinking I owe it to my younger self. I used to be a very highly sexual being, but I never had a good sex life and actually looking back on it had awful experiences. So really I dont see there being that much to miss and I guess that couples with pregnancy makes me think I could happily sit by and never have sex again. I dont think my partner could. He may be okay with it now but he does jokingly ask "if we can have sex". I dont want him to feel our relationship is inadequate because of our lack of sex life

I understand @Sammiekim. We have faced a similar dynamic and failed to deal with it before it was too late. I hope you can find a happy resolution for both of you. ❤

@Estherpologist oh no so it didnt end up working for you? That's such a shame, this is what scares me. I dont see how we are meant to come back from this. I think it just either goes one of two ways. You either end up feeling even closer and connected in that way after a baby and cant keep your hands of each other or you dont even go near each other. Unfortunately we've fallen into the second category.

I'm worried my partner is going to inevitable cheat on me or this will put a wedge between us and will we will be pulled apart. Part of me thinks I should just have obligatory sex with him to keep our relationship going, but then the thought of that completely makes me resent him and our situation. I dont want to feel like I HAVE to do it. I want to feel like I WANT to do it. Ugh!

Talk to your DP!!!

You need to talk to him. Whilst being like this won't directly just make him cheat, it tends to make people vulnerable when someone comes along and feels an attraction and realises what they are missing. It is often too late at that point

A relationship without sex is called friends

I think it's hard as well because I feel like my partner isnt necessarily into me that much anymore. He doesnt really get off on my body as such but more so the idea of sex. I dont know if its because he has seen me breastfeed. But it makes me feel abit used. That has doesnt want me for me but for sex.

I think it is hard plastic baby but the good thing is you recognise that. Unless you are really feeling that you don't fancy him any more and there is no attraction, you need to try and start becoming more wife and partner and having some time to reconnect, which isn't easy with a one year old.

For sex, well having the right ambiance, maybe a night out with a sitter, but also you having an outing to the beauticians, some new lingerie and clothes that make you feel nice (maybe even sexy) and see how things go, but perhaps even a kiss downstairs to let him know you are in the mood before you slip in bed and end up reading. The effort may be worth it and help you reconnect?

Any update on this @Sammiekim ?

Tbh you need to talk to your DP if your not attracted to each other like that anymore and not having sex it's not going to end well one of you could end up cheating and by the sound of it that might be you as you said you could happily sleep with a stranger talk to him before it's to late it's not healthy at all

The OP posted this in 2021 so I think it's already either sorted or already too late.....lol

I wonder if this had a happy ending or not.

We can but hope, that's the only slightly sad/annoying thing about MN, you can get invested in certain posts and they can play on your mind but a lot of the time you just never know how it works out for the OP. I like to make up my own endings and in this case @Sammiekim is now having fabulous sex with her babies dad