New guy doesn't go down on me. How to broach?

[Maria53]

Slept with each other three times now and he hasn't gone down on me once.

The second time we slept together he suggested doing '69' & the third time again no oral, although he did briefly stop to kiss my vagina between positions.

It is worth saying I have given oral each time although I don't feel as confident about it as I have with other men. This is because he is huge and I simply can't give a decent blowjob the way I have in the past. I get the impression it is probably an issue he encounters a lot.

Intercourse feels great & he fingers/rubs my clit a lot but I LOVE oral and I'm starting to feel resentful. The only time I have experienced this before was with an ex who didn't like it but did it for me after a talk - could always feel his heady wasn't in it.

How to broach without being like 'why aren't you doing this??"

My DP doesn't like doing it so I'd rather he didn't bother. Luckily for him i enjoy giving. You are allowed to draw your line in the sand wherever you like, but talk and give him the opportunity to at least let you know.

I was in a relationship for 9 months and my ex-bf didn’t go down on me, I waited for quite some time before skirting around the question and he said he didn’t like giving oral, which is fair enough, it wasn’t the ending of our relationship but I didn’t want to forgo oral for the time we were together, so it would have ultimately ended our relationship anyway. He was happy to receive oral himself though.

I’ve never enjoyed it until recently. Lots of people don’t.

If your sexting you could incorporate it into your chat?

If he hasn't voluntarily focused on you like this yet, odds are very strong he just won't.

This isn't what he does. So you'll have to live with that if you're with him.

...

Setting is a great way to introduce it without any pressure from you or embarrassment for him- maybe try that?

@MadameMonk

‘Waiting a few months to see if he goes there’ is ridiculous. Can’t believe it’s been suggested. Oral isn’t a ‘special treat at Christmas’ activity any more (if it ever was). Either it’s on the menu, or it’s not. If it’s not, I’m out.

Would guys ‘wait it out’ if the activity was the only reliable way to come? Nope. Of course it’s nice (and common) for it to be offered quickly and done well. When you find yourself in any other situation, it must be addressed. As with any deal-breaker. With a bit of luck, his last girlfriend wasn’t into it (I hear they exist) and he’s operating a bit out of habit?

If he says ‘it’s not really my thing’, I’d be out of there. And I’d let him know that it was likely to bring his sex life in a modern age to somewhat of a halt. It smacks of seriously deprioritising the woman’s pleasure, and that’s not a winning strategy!

Frankly I’d set it up so he really wanted a BJ, and moved towards that act. Then I’d shimmy up face to face, smile and say ‘Ladies first!’

Excellent advice! If it doesn't work, bin him, life's too short!

Take charge and tell him what you want. Show him how to do it, guide him through it so that its pleasurable for you.

If he wont then tell him to clear off and find someone who will treat you with respect.

I have been with my husband 16 years, very rarely receive oral sex it has always been a major issue to me. I've brought it up a few times he will make the effort once then won't do it again for at least a year. I don't climax without it but he don't seem worried about my pleasure. He clearly just doesn't like it and does it out of obligation now and again, which means I don't relax and enjoy it. I tolerated this for years because we still had intercourse, not satisfying intercourse but better than nothing. But now he has lost interest in sex altogether and we are most likely heading for separation. Looking back his attitude towards sex at the beginning should have raised alarm bells for me, not giving me oral regularly was just the start of things going downhill and an indicator that he werent prepared to put the effort into our relationship. I like giving oral but I got sick of doing it when it was never reciprocated so I've stopped giving it him. He does not seem to miss it and it hasn't resulted in him giving me oral again to tempt me to return the favour! So I'm pretty much flogging a dead horse!
I think its a massive deal if this continues, 3 times at sex is not a lot though so I wouldn't throw towel in yet. But if it carries on I wouldn't waste your time it will just lead to frustration, resentment and other sexual problems like it has in my case. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear that @RacLou82

@Maria53 I don't personally like receiving oral, but in my experience most guys think they're amazing at it and want to prove that. So if he hasn't tried to show off his 'skills' in the first three times, that wouldn't be a good sign to me if that's your thing. It's third of fourth base isn't it? Snog, grope, fingering, oral is how it tends to go. You like to show off your 'performance' and most men do too.

I had a girlfriend once (I'm bi) and I'd had a few female lovers but didn't really know what I was doing, but was keen to learn. She told me exactly how she liked it and thankfully what she liked was fairly easy, so we were both happy. She did penetrative sex to me, which she didn't personally like receiving.

Tell him how much you enjoy it and tell him exactly how you want it done. If he's not confident, you still might be able to give him ongoing directions in the moment, and after that he'll have more of an idea what he's doing.

I wouldn't wait months to see if he does this thing if it's really important to you- you'd just be wasting your time.

Update (not much of one!)

@Bearnecessity - as it turns out, I haven't given him oral for a while and he doesn't seem to have noticed! He did moan etc when I was doing it but he is fairly big so I imagine truly satisfying BJs might have been few and far between? May be an assumption. I'd rather be performing them than not.

@Namechangednorth so I took your advice and shaved as I hadn't been bothering of late. He clearly noticed the difference, but said nothing and guess what - still no oral!

I do cum with him each time, from penetration, fingering/clit stimulation (me or him) but I come easily from/love oral and can't understand this! Never been with a man who didn't do it. He is a confident lover otherwise too.

@Maria53

Well a bloke who doesn't go down when you are bare below is a new one in me lol. I suggest you lead him there and let him know how much you want him to?

It's difficult, because if he doesn't like doing it, then he doesn't like doing it. Would you enjoy it if you know that and are aware he's only doing it out of 'duty' or because you've requested it, rather than because he really wants to?

My partner hardly ever gives me oral, it's been 3 times in 3.5 years. Those 3 times have been without me asking, but have always been after I've given it first (which I still do regularly). It's frustrating, but I've never requested it, and for the reasons above I don't feel comfortable requesting something my partner doesn't seem keen on doing.

DH doesn't do this. I think about it regularly and tbh it does bother me a bit. We talked about it early on in our relationship and he said it's something he doesn't love doing. He hasn't said explicitly but I'm pretty sure it's because of a bad experience with an ex.

If the shoe were on the other foot then I'd want him to respect my boundaries. We have a very fulfilling sex life otherwise and I orgasm really easily with him through sex so the no oral is something I've had to come to terms with. I do fantasise about it on a regular basis though!

@thefatpotato

DH doesn't do this. I think about it regularly and tbh it does bother me a bit. We talked about it early on in our relationship and he said it's something he doesn't love doing. He hasn't said explicitly but I'm pretty sure it's because of a bad experience with an ex.

If the shoe were on the other foot then I'd want him to respect my boundaries. We have a very fulfilling sex life otherwise and I orgasm really easily with him through sex so the no oral is something I've had to come to terms with. I do fantasise about it on a regular basis though!

tbh I don't think I'll be happy having a relationship with a man who doesn't do this. In all the years I've dated, I've never met a man who doesn't - and this is having met men who were shyer and probably more prudish.

Sorry if tmi but this guy has even rimmed me several times! I keep the area clean and shaved recently.

Now I'm thinking of doing 69 and engineering it that way but I don't think it will solve the basic issue. In a way I just want to blatantly ask, 'why don't you do this?' and I don't think he will take it well/may get defensive if he perceives I am not satisfied.

But I'm not completely. In a single session, he will have lots of orgasms through intercourse. I may have one too, but the only way to guarantee multiples for me is oral - so this is where resentment is beginning. I'm also a bit worried about hearing the answer to why not tbh!

To make matters worse, he twice thought I had cum last time we were together when I hadn't. I quickly corrected him and said 'no, I haven't yet' - don't understand why he is assuming as I always let him know.

I think maybe I should bring this up with clothes on? I'm probably having the best intercourse of my life with him which is a huge plus - but I find I miss this too much and overall sex feels incomplete.

If he's into rimming how has he not just gone down on you? That sounds weird!

Now I'm thinking of doing 69 and engineering it that way but I don't think it will solve the basic issue. In a way I just want to blatantly ask, 'why don't you do this?' and I don't think he will take it well/may get defensive if he perceives I am not satisfied. But I'm not completely. In a single session, he will have lots of orgasms through intercourse. I may have one too, but the only way to guarantee multiples for me is oral - so this is where resentment is beginning. I'm also a bit worried about hearing the answer to why not tbh!

@Maria53 Please don't just manoevre him into it via 69 (although you do say he instigated it before.) I've been thinking about this recently and I had a dodgy ex who knew I didn't like receiving oral. I would be giving him a BJ and then he would say for me to get into that position, I really didn't want to but it was like he was just changing the position I was in while I was pleasuring him if you see what I mean, but into one I didn't like. I wish I'd just said 'no, you know I'm not into that,' but I didn't even think of it. It was like I was pleasuring him and I would be wrong to stop doing so by saying I didn't want that particular thing. But he knew I didn't like it.

Ask him, I'm sure it's not personal if you wash and everything. Maybe he lacks confidence in doing it and needs him to show you what he likes. You could say you're prepared to show him.

I think maybe I should bring this up with clothes on?

Yes, otherwise you're putting him on the spot.

Why are you angsting about this rather than just binning him off?

He clearly doesn't like giving women oral
You need oral to get off
So you're incompatible, surely?

Maybe he's had a bad experience in the past. My wife was coerced into giving oral in her early teens and kept putting it off for 20 years with me before telling me that was the reason after I asked if she'll ever do it.

Goodness just say it, but positively not negatively. 'Why not' sounds accusatory.

Just say 'I love this.... it's important to me, is it something you are happy to do? Anything I can do to help that part of our sex life get going? Or is this something you prefer not to do?'

Why don't you just, rather than being critical and confrontational with "Why don't you do this", openly tell him that it's your favourite and easiest way to come and leave it at that- see what he does with that piece of information? You could use 69 as a way in e.g. That really works for me, but even more so when it's one at a time!