Advice please- im totally lost

[BlokeTarget]

Hi all, really need some sound advice from the audience mainly from the women here as I’m at a total loss. I don’t know where to turn or what to do about this …

Been together 20+ years. Married for 15+. Had a great Sex life to start. In our early 20’s. Married mid 20’s and things naturally tailed off but still had good sex !

7 years into being together she stops oral on me altogether. I still go down on her as I really enjoy it. Still do today…

About 11 years together ( during another heart tk heart chat) she did things in bed when we were first together she would definitely say no to now)

So I’m starting get the hint she doesn’t like experimenting and also now feeling she really doesn’t like oral on me. I asked her direct if that’s the case , she said no not at all.

I wanted to be able to make peace with it : and move on.

Fast forward to now. 20+ years in she hasn’t been down on me in 5-6 years and won’t offer abs avoids it. Ok, I can handle that but she won’t admit to not liking it.

Any advice on how I can approach this? I will sound shallow now and say this: I cannot spend the rest of my life never having oral again. And not knowing is even worse.

I really don’t know what to do- bring it up and confront? Will she just say she’s fine with it and never do it again ever?

I realise how I sound- shallow and awful but I honestly can’t spend the rest of my life denying myself that pleasure.

Everything else is fine. She never initiates so I do. She doesn’t like me finishing in her or her mouth due to the mess. I can cope with all that honestly : that’s workable.

Marriage outside the bedroom is fine too. I just can’t work out why she won’t admit she doesn’t like giving me oral?

Any advice appreciated and I realise how I sound. Right now I’m so depressed about it all :(

I don’t think you sound shallow and awful. She shouldn’t be pushed into doing it but also you’re allowed to want oral and you are allowed to walk away from a relationship that isn’t sexually satisfying for you. I guess you have two options, live without it, or seek another sexual relationship (ending the relationship first) which will allow you to have that fulfilment again.
I’ve been with my husband for over 15 years, we still have sex about 3-4 times a week (initiated by us both) and during that time I will always give him oral, as he does me, it’s very much a mutual shared pleasure. You need to work out if this is something that you are able to continue to go without, if not, there really is only one other option, it does sound like it’s not something she’s willing to do anymore, if it helps, my husband used to ejaculate in my mouth but I no longer like it, he does ejaculate inside me though.
I think you both need to sit down and communicate exactly what you both want.

@BlokeTarget

I just can’t work out why she won’t admit she doesn’t like giving me oral?

But would that help?

What's your hygiene and manscaping situation?

I'm in a similar situation, although a much younger relationship. We've been together about 3 years, have plenty of sex, but she's only ever given me 3 blowjobs - once at the very beginning, once during a 69 I initiated, and once quite recently (which was a complete surprise). I used to give her oral all the time, but that has dropped off a bit (but still regular) as I've noticed that it seems to be me giving all the pleasure (not just oral, the foreplay is very much one way traffic too).

I've never actually requested oral, or more of it, but then that would make me uncomfortable if I thought she was only doing it because I'd asked her to. And the fact that she's given occasional blowjobs suggests it's not something she just doesn't do at all. Hygiene and grooming aren't the issue either.

This probably isn't it but just in case... some people aren't very forward with sex. They don't like to take the initiative to do different things but when guided to do something or it is made clear that's what would be enjoyed then are very happy to join in. Sex can get very habitual over time and it can be difficult to break out of it.
As it is said time and time again, communication is so important and even though you have brought up the subject out of the bedroom, maybe she is having trouble making the move in the bedroom. I used to be a little like this at times in the past. I like to think I'm not now.

I’m sorry this is happening. You sound really low about the whole thing.

I think you answered your own question when you said - I don’t think I can go the rest of my life without receiving oral. Why won’t she admit she doesn’t like it?

In my opinion, she knows deep down that if she admitted she won’t ever do it again, this may be the beginning of the end for you.

You have said you are making other allowances in the bedroom and these are workable, it sounds like you feel like you’ve already compromised and you are asking her to meet you half way but isn’t prepared to.

I had experience of an unfulfilled sex life in my previous relationship and it really messes with your head.

This is slightly off topic but there’s a massive push in the media just now about coercive sex. In essence, someone says no to sex and the other partner goes on and on about how that no makes them feel until finally they unwillingly participate. There’s a push for change in governance to acknowledge that this is rape. This is a massive trigger for me because I lived in a relationship where sex was withheld as control.

In my opinion, guilting someone into meeting your sexual needs is as bad as rejecting someone’s sexual needs on the recipients mental health.

I AM BY NO MEANS SAYING A PERSON SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SAY NO OR PLAYING DOWN RAPE OR SEXUAL HEALTH!!!

After receiving professional help, I decided to take the entire sex chat and need off the table. We discussed our needs as a whole. I feel like this when you say that etc. I won’t pursue sex from you, nor will I initiate sex. I need you to be enthusiastic and willing. In the same way as you would deal with any other need wasn’t being met. So if you had a need for a bill to be paid from one of her accounts, she said she would pay it and you kept asking and asking, she’s reassuring you but it’s never paid. Stop asking and pay the bill yourself. Take the issue off the table and address it as an unmet need and commitment. If possible, speak to a professional together.

I would like to see unmet sexual needs as a legitimate reason for unhappy relationships. I can read from your message you feel like a terrible person even feeling this way. I felt exactly the same way and was told I was obsessed, a sex pest and I needed help. The reality is, if any other important aspect of your relationship was denied or fobbed off, it would be a completely legitimate complaint.

I wish you well and feel free to reach out if you want to chat more.

@cheshirebloke As you haven’t mentioned the oral issue to your partner, maybe she thinks you’re happy with how things are. Communication is the key to a satisfying sex life for both man and woman. Receiving oral once a year would be disappointing for any man or woman but you need to tell her this.

If I'm being honest and I have with my DH, I'm not overly keen on giving BJs. However, I have found a way round this, flavoured condoms. He loves it, I don't mind doing it and no mess to clear up.

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions I really appreciate it. You’ve helped immensely.

I shall take on board the advice and definitely need to communicate effectively with My Dw.

Will post back here when I have and if any changes have been made / a way forward agreed upon. In the meantime your advice has really helped me !

@Viddy2021

What's your hygiene and manscaping situation?

Hygiene i shower everyday sometimes twice. Abs make damn sure I’m clean there if I think sex is in the cards even showering as close to the event as possible to make it more appealing?

Manscaping/ fully trimmed and kept neat. Shave all hair off my balls.

Not sure if I can improve on that?

[quote Aphrodite31]@BlokeTarget

I just can’t work out why she won’t admit she doesn’t like giving me oral?

But would that help? [/quote]
It would 100%. I’d know where I stand finally.

And can decide if it really is a major deal never having one again for the rest of my life

@retroginglass

If I'm being honest and I have with my DH, I'm not overly keen on giving BJs. However, I have found a way round this, flavoured condoms. He loves it, I don't mind doing it and no mess to clear up.

You don’t have to give him a BJ until he ejaculates though, you can finish him off with your hand and then no condom is required.