Ok so i just dont need sex anymore..

[Weseylady]

Post menopausal.
Have no desire what so ever .
Dh has but is suppressing it as likes to feel wanted rather than push for sex. His desire i think is now waning due to this sitiation. Shy gentle man.
In all honesty am tempted to let it do naturally.
We are happy.
However, I know that my dh would love it if i had intrest and sort of want to as its often said to be the currency of love .
Am intrested wether I should try to revive a non exisitance sex drive ( how? ) when I am v happy without one for the love of dh.
I cant actually rember what it was actually for ( sex) ? Bonding? Etc etc. I Would really like to ask that as I am so not in touch with that part of myself anymore.

I'm not speaking from personal experience but many friends describe their libido just switching off. "Nope, that's closed now" is how one friend described it.

They swear by HRT patches. Is that something you've considered?

I would really try to revive your sex life. Imo it is a vital part of a loving relationship, the intimacy is so important.

He may be a shy gentle man but he will of course have sexual desires. You perhaps don't fancy him and aren't aroused by him but he might meet others who do fancy him.

Just imagine him finding someone else sexually attractive, how does that make you feel?

Try sex toys to help you orgasm if it's difficult post menopause, get some hormonal cream for vaginal atrophy if it is painful.

If you love him and don't want him masturbating alone (possibly imagining other people) then I would really try to address this.

So appriciate replies

If you don't feed your cat, it's either going to die or find someone that will.
If your DH wants sex, whats the harm to you in looking to reviving your sex life? What's the benefit to him and your relationship?

Yes it has died for him I think .
I was assaulted . Dont want to.say too much about it. But the pattern has been he has always been reluctant to approach me as he feels that he would never want me to do something I dont want to do .
I am.happy as I am and have no.desire post menapause, however my question is should I do it for him.
He does not ask due to above dynamic.
As I have mostly been the instagator due to above reasons.
If he knows am doing it for him I think he may feel bad and I am.not a good actress.
I guess I could try hard then get into it or simply tell him that I want to.do it for him out of.love ?

Op if you've been assaulted that is obviously completely different, of course you shouldn't do anything just to keep him happy. You implied it was a post menopausal loss of interest situation that is why I suggested sex toys etc.

If you've been assaulted then you need counselling to start with and take it from there

OP this is where you and your husband need to communicate. Sit down and have an honest conversation, you should not feel you have to do something for him, you’re allowed to decide that sex is no longer for you but this will obviously carry implications for your husband, this is why you need to be honest with each other and tell him how you feel.

Thankyou all.
I did not mean to drip feed about the assualt.
Its so part of me now and linked to sex but I just dont talk about it to.my pals.or anything
Have had very good councelling on the nhs and private at great cost. I just live with a sense of shame which I just cannot shake off.
Intellectually I kmow sex is good but internalised stuff leads to me feeling mortified and shamefull.
This is why it is easier.to avoid sex... whilst kmowing I should.do.it. i wish I could just understand.more what sex is about and focus on that , and shove the rest aside.
I want to ask what sex is actually for, what is good about it, Its like I do not understand.anymore and I cant ask in real life .

Have you talked to him about it. If he doesn't care, and you don't care, it doesn't matter.
But it kind of sounds like you want to want sex, so maybe you would be doing it for yourself?
Having had (consensual) sex with partners when and because they wanted it has rarely been bad for my relationships.

I understand your situation. Many years ago I had a FWB who was without question the most highly-sexed woman I have ever encountered. She was in constant need, but was also extraordinarily generous as a sexual partner.

When she went through the menopause as a result of a total hysterectomy, her sex drive disappeared completely. She changed from spending most of her waking hours thinking of sex into being sexless.

By that stage we were friends, but without benefits, as I had begun a stable, long-term, romantic relationship. Our contact slowly petered out (not at my wish), and I do not know how things panned out for her.

My current partner's experience is the opposite and she has become more sexual since undergoing a natural menopause. She regards it as a real bonus to not spend one week in four menstruating, and feels much more liberated as a result.

I don't know where this leaves the OP. I see sex as the currency of love in a relationship, and my partner and I certainly would not want to be without it. Even when age and its physical limits prevail, I cannot see us doing without a certain level of bodily intimacy. I see sex primarily as a giving action; we have sex to give pleasure to each other. If that were not so, we could just as easily masturbate to satisfy our own desires.

If I ever lose my desire to have sex, I cannot see myself ever losing the desire to give pleasure to my partner, and I'd happily bring her to orgasm with fingers, toys, tongue, etc., simply because it is a wonderful act to bring joy to another person. That way of thinking affects my view of the OP's issue: of course we should not engage in sex acts that we don't want, but why wouldn't you want to be a source of physical pleasure to your loved one? In order to maintain the relationship is it not better to have some level of sexual intimacy, instead of living like brother and sister?

It's a tough problem: her partner did not sign up for a sexless relationship, but she ought not to feel forced into acts she no longer desires. For me, it would result in a very frank discussion about sexual needs, open relationships, FWBs, etc., as I have a very primal need for some sort of sexual relationship.

I hope she can find balance that works both for her, and for her partner.

EMDR therapy is great and you would get different results from it than normal therapy.

If it were me I might also try HRT if a doctor thinks it's an ok idea.

Don't have sex just because you think you 'should.' xx

It's a kind of intimacy that for me (so far) is just not replaceable - when I have sex with a loving partner it is quite an extreme feeling of giving and taking intense closeness, beyond what you'd ever do with anyone else. The pleasure tags along with that imo.

It is kind of draining. I have certainly had patches of finding it too much to cope with, too demanding, with little pleasure involved. And I've heard other women talk of a total postmenopausal shutdown.

I do think that honest conversation is important. I hope you can find a way forward that works for you both.

Use it or lose it....

Sex can be about sharing intimacy, being as close as possible to a loved one. Perhaps see it more as making love rather than just sex. However, it's not mandatory, you can and should still aim to express that by caring touch and perhaps massage.