In love with coworker

[Snowbites]

So I’ve been married for several years with a child. We haven’t had sex for a long time. I don’t think either of us are bothered. I do care about my husband but I just don’t feel that way about him any more. Counselling etc is not for us - we’re fine, just coexisting in the house and the intimate part of our relationship died a long time ago

Over the past few months I have come to realise I am attracted to one of my coworkers. In the last couple of weeks I’ve realised I’m probably in love with him. It’s not just a physical attraction. Nothing has happened though. He’s also married with kids and I’m not even sure how he feels

I am going crazy thinking about this. I feel so ashamed and cannot tell any of my friends how I feel. But if the opportunity presented itself I feel I would without a doubt follow this through

What do I do? Do I talk to him? Pretend everything is normal? Hope these crazy feelings one day calm down? I wouldn’t leave my marriage but I really don’t think I’ve ever felt like this about anyone else in my life and it’s not something I am dealing with very well at the moment. I’m not eating much. I’m >50% sure he feels something too but not confident enough to bring it up and risk the fall out

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I don’t really know why I am posting. I think I just needed to tell someone but I cannot tell anybody in real life in case either my husband or my coworker find out

Sorry for rambling

Honestly I would (and have) done nothing. You're in a precarious place in your marriage. Don't risk your job too.

He's married....if he's in an unhappy marriage, let's hope he's the decent one and would end it before thinking about looking else where. Maybe focus on working on or ending your own marriage before destroying someone elses for nothing more than a fantasy.

@Snowbites Yes this happened to me. I was messaging a colleague, things started to turn flirty, sexual (sexting) etc. We eventually arranged to meet, which ultimately would have led to sex. I had this huge realisation that I had to stop, so I put an end to it. He understood, he was married too.

I should add, it’s not healthy to be living in a sexless marriage, if things continue that way after you’ve communicated this with him, you need to reassess your marriage and whether you want to continue living like this. I think this fantasy is a symptom of an unhappy marriage, as it was me.

You’re in a dead marriage. End it and do not get involved with your married colleague. It’s definitely a sign that your marriage is over that you’re feeling like that about someone else.

Yeah this was me, but in slightly different circs. I was in a 20 year, horribly abusive marriage. My co worker was in a 12 year very unhappy marriage( I knew his wife and even she said she was looking for a way out) He told me he had feelings, and I did too. Weve been happily married 9 years now. Would it have been the same if we would have both been in a better place in our marriages? I would have hoped so. I know for a fact if it happened today i would have no problem turning them down.

So just wondering about your thought process OP - why do you think it's OK for YOU to have sex outside of your marriage while expecting your DH to be faithful? Genuinely interested in your thinking on this.

@Seadad
I don’t think OP said anything about expecting her H to be faithful. The post is about her and her crash. No?

OP - I think your attraction to the colleague isn’t really about that particular guy. You are craving a connection on a physical/emotional level that you are missing in your life. You are not ‘in love’ with that man - he is just there and your are channeling your need to feel something onto him. But it still feels real to you, regardless of why the feelings are there.

I guess the question is what you do with it all. I think you reached a point in your marriage where neither of you would care if the other one had an affair. You are probably financially tied to each other so divorce may be not what either of you want.
So - given that, just live your life.

An affair at work is possibly the stupidest thing one can do. But you might be past the place where you can think rationally.
If you can - try to redirect. Go to the websites where other married people look for affair partners that can be discrete and not look for changes in circumstances.
That may work in the short/medium term.

But in the long term - either you or your H would end up leaving for someone else. At least it’s my guess.

Short answer - you don't act on it. You've only felt like this for a few months, wait it out for another few months. Put your big girl pants on and find something else to distract you.

Google "limerance".

If you still feel the same in January, then you make a decision whether to work on your marriage or leave your husband. That's the first decision you make.

@seadad The OP didn't say she thought it was ok to have sex outside of her marriage, nor did she say she expects her husband to be faithful. She said she might follow through on her desires but she didn't say she thought this was ok to do. Genuinely interested as to how you came to this conclusion from the OPs statement?

OP - I think you need to take a step back from this and perhaps realise that some of these feelings may represent what is lacking in your marriage. You say your marriage is 'fine' but is it really? Is co-existing really what you want for the rest of your life? This man you have feelings for also has a wife and children so embarking on an affair could alter so many people's lives, not just your own.

There may be many things about your coworker that you find attractive, but try to realise that these crazy feelings you mention may still all be lust

@Jsku @littleruby - perhaps I should have phrased it more carefully- my point is that if there is an assumption of fidelity and not an open marriage, then cheating means allowing yourself a freedom which you deny your spouse.
If OP wants to open her relationship she is free to do so - and allow her spouse to choose the same. But cheating means deceiving someone rather than be honest and give them the same freedom, by letting them continue to be faithful.
It's important because- in OPS's case it sounds like both might like to be free to form extramarital relationships?