Judgement and Casual Sex

[Violet869]

I read a thread on one of the different forums about a woman who had a ONS and found £20 after the guy left. She stated it was the first time she had sex again after two years.
Many posters were trying to convince the OP that he thought she was a prostitute, the mention of ‘slag’ was mentioned and one poster went on to say who would want a ONS and expose themselves to STD’s, OP even stated she used a condom.
Are we still seriously judging and shaming women for having casual sex?
We never push this judgement onto men, so why women?

Yes, in my experience there is a lot of judgement. Since getting divorced I partake in casual sex as I don’t have time/headspace for a relationship but still want sex. It’s not something that I tell people about in real life. Even online there isn’t much support/advice.

I thought she was brave posting that thread on here. This sites overflowing with judges and prudes

@SirenSays

Agree

I seen the thread, misogynism at its finest and quite a lot of time it’s the women that have it buried deep in side them, shame.

Didn't the man have a one night stand too 🤔...

Exactly! The man was in the same situation.

Sadly, there is still a sexist male view that sex is something a woman gives to a man as opposed to shares with a man. The attitude comes with a warped view of “how a woman works” zero knowledge of female passion and hormones thrown in, to guarantee a rubbish time. It is often linked to bad attitudes about other things too. Such males need to be avoided.

I was once told on MN (by another woman!) that they had names for girls like me when they were at school. Assertive perhaps? Or just plain happy?

My own sister met her now husband at a mutual friend’s wedding in an hotel, she laid him within hours of meeting him and they have been married years. There’s one for the judgemental brigade.

I would put me off sharing tbh. Disgusting attitude by pearl clutchers......

Ooh this is a timely one for me. I'm in the process of talking to someone on fab, and I'm at the point where I'd like to propose we meet. What I'm finding is my own internalised judgement sometimes pops up an tells me I shouldn't. Thankfully the empowered, logical part of me comes back soon enough but it has been surprising to me, but then I think about how uptight we Brits are and I guess being in my 40s I'm part of a generation where girls were called sluts in school for dating to even look at a boy.

@Getbehindme

I'm in an identical situation to you!

Poor woman. I haven't read the thread, but she will be feeling absolutely rubbish after this

@StarlightLady - You are spot on, it’s the assumption we give to men, not a mutually shared pleasure.

Poor lady, hadn’t had sex for two years, finds someone she has great sex and gets many awful comments in response, she didn’t even ask for their opinion regarding the ONS, it was about the money she had found. Maybe the women are just jealous because they are not having great sex and are projecting, who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

[quote mycatisannoying]@Getbehindme

I'm in an identical situation to you!

Poor woman. I haven't read the thread, but she will be feeling absolutely rubbish after this [/quote]
I'll do it if you do it 😜

I read that bizarre thread through a different lens.

There were basically 3 types of responses. First, those who were saying the man thought the OP was a sex worker. Which was nonsensical, but if anything showed the man in a bad light, not the OP. Second were those saying leaving the note was some sort of kink or insult. Apart from being massively speculative, it demonstrated an equally massive suspicion about men's motives, but implied nothing critical about the OP.

And the third and most prominent response was that he left the money by mistake. I would have thought this the simplest and best explanation (and it seems the correct one). Nothing critical about the OP, more a hooray for you, have a takeaway (I'd have thought offering it back - which I assume the OP did - would have been better).

There were a couple of replies about how casual sex was risky. Those people were jumped on by a larger number and accused of "slut-shaming" (which was the only occasion that the term "slut" was used on the thread; "slag" didn't appear at all or has since been removed).

If anything, what the thread typified was people being silly on the Internet and undue suspicion about a man's motives.

I don't know that women particularly get judged for having a one night stand if it's a one off thing, but there's no way I would tell any friends irl about my casual sex. I would worry what they would think of me. I could tell them once about a ons, but if they were aware it was a regular thing I would be judged for sure. And I do judge myself as well. Afterwards I often feel bad and 'slutty' for doing it.
It's a shame women can't just be who they are without that judgement. Even in these modern times we live in, its absolutely fine for a guy to sleep around, but seen as such a negative thing for the woman to do. Attitudes really need to change.

I read it too and it wasn't the pile on I was dreading it to be thankfully. Your summary is pretty spot on.

But reading those ones 'I just can't imagine having a ONS like that' did make me angry.

No woman should either judge or criticise another for what they consensually choose to do, when no harm is caused to anyone else.

Men are generally not judged in the same way.

@Catullus5 - You really don’t think posters telling OP her ONS left the £20 note because he thought she was a prostitute, was judgemental?

If the poster said her new bf who she just had sex with left £20 by mistake, would people still jump to the same conclusion?

The thread was full of judgement by insinuating because the lady had sex with a man on the first night, posters assumed he would have thought she was a prostitute and you don’t need the majority of posters to understand there is still judgement towards casual sex because if there’s a few it’s still judgement and yes the word ‘slag’ was mentioned in a jokey way, so please don’t question me, when it was clearly stated.

@StarlightLady

No woman should either judge or criticise another for what they consensually choose to do, when no harm is caused to anyone else.

Men are generally not judged in the same way.

Exactly!

Worst of all, it’s women judging other women.

@Violet869

This is a UK site - I left the UK some while back so I accept that I may have missed some nuance.

Yes I do think that posters were highly judgemental! Of him. They were saying that he thought she was a sex worker, not that she was one. Tbh, it's a pretty ridiculous conclusion to draw for all sorts of reasons. But that aside, if he drew that conclusion, I simply don't see how that reflects badly on her. It reflects more directly on his poor judgement in thinking this was a commercial transaction rather than a bit of fun (and the fact that he is someone who is OK with using sex workers).

And you make nothing of the claims that he was doing it as some sort of fetish. That's really very clearly critical of him. The word 'slag' wasn't mentioned. I just searched the entire thread using ctrl-F.

In contrast, there were loads of comments that were highly uncomplimentary of him. Here are some: "his shitty way of telling you that last night was not the start of a beautiful relationship", "He’s a shit. Stay clear", "He’s a nasty misogynistic piece of work", "Post him a picture of you donating it to a charity to support sex education for average men", "I'd block him without so much as a word", "It's just insulting. Block him. Dickhead.", "He’s a twat. Please do text him. Men need to be called out on shit like this". "Ignore, this is sounding a little PUA in some ways". I could continue. This is just from the first few posts, and more than was uncomplimentary of the OP in the entire thread.

There's no judgement from me btw. Casual sex isn't for me - it would fuck with my head - but I envy those of a stronger disposition.

@Catullus5 - You are missing the point, it’s the assumption by many posters the money was to pay her for sex. The only reason this was mentioned was because the OP mentioned ONS, had she mentioned new bf the assumption would have been different, not to mention the posts by trying to knock a woman down and make her feel bad.

My post isn’t about fetishes and posters labelling the man, it’s about the assumption the money indicated he was paying her for sex as it was a ONS. So please stop derailing the point of my thread.

Again, the word ‘slag’ was mentioned, it’s clearly been removed 🙄

I don't think I am missing the point. I do understand that some posters assumed the money was to pay her for sex. And I understand perfectly well that it being a ONS was part of this. But what I really don't understand is how that reflects badly on her. It reflects badly on him for the reasons I gave above, and as the general tenor of the thread demonstrates. I am tempted to quote some more posts that were uncomplimentary of him because there were loads and loads and loads. I will just mention this one because it made me laugh: "Perhaps he wrapped it [the banknote] around his cock three times to double its girth?"

One post in 429 has been removed. I am prepared to assume that one said 'slag'. One post and it was removed - it doesn't prove your point.

Your post was about how this thread was an example judging and shaming women for having casual sex. But if you look at the actual posts, the villain is him, not her. So I am not derailing: your OP is about that thread.

Those made me laugh. I like sex as well, but not with people whom I know so little that they might think I'm a prostitute.

You don’t think this is judgement ^

The insinuation she also didn’t use protection.

Oh and you are missing the point.

Ok if you don’t want to believe me that’s fine, you know I just like to make things up 😂

@StarlightLady

Exactly! The man was in the same situation.

Sadly, there is still a sexist male view that sex is something a woman gives to a man as opposed to shares with a man. The attitude comes with a warped view of “how a woman works” zero knowledge of female passion and hormones thrown in, to guarantee a rubbish time. It is often linked to bad attitudes about other things too. Such males need to be avoided.

I was once told on MN (by another woman!) that they had names for girls like me when they were at school. Assertive perhaps? Or just plain happy?

My own sister met her now husband at a mutual friend’s wedding in an hotel, she laid him within hours of meeting him and they have been married years. There’s one for the judgemental brigade.

I think it's amazing when a woman embraces her sexuality, as the saying goes, were here for a good time, not a long time.

But I disagree quite strongly about your giving/sharing comment, lots of women definitely use sex as a means of control or even a weapon.

Also women are much likely to judge other women than men are to judge women IMHO.

Maybe this will come across as wrong - but MAYBE he had a great night and just wanted her to buy some lovely flowers or something nice - not as a ‘thank you’ but as a ‘thank you’.

@mm40 - It turns out the guy didn’t realise it fell out of his pocket and after the poster messaged him to let him know, he told her to treat herself to a take away

[quote Violet869]@mm40 - It turns out the guy didn’t realise it fell out of his pocket and after the poster messaged him to let him know, he told her to treat herself to a take away [/quote]
Lovely… 👍