Following several years of personal and couple therapy, this feels like a last try before completley giving up. I dont know why now other than that I feel lost and sad for what could have been , guilt about my dh and all that I have got wrong through fear, anger, damage,guilt.
In a nutshell was sexually abused by a family member whose care was in when parent was mentally ill.
When parents found out no one did anything and I felt worthless.
Fast forward to teens, decided that I was free and slept around, in denial about anything. No boyfriend had any idea about my past.
Met my dh at uni. He was he first and only man I trusted and I told him about the abuse and at first sex was great.
During our time at uni ,my previous flirty ways with men continued and
he expressed disaproval as he wanted that behevoiur just toward him I realise.
It was ,un be known to me ,that the shame I was carrying inside was re born. I felt judged and sex became physical only for me and i withdrew without having the insight into it.
I started to want sex less and felt pressurised into it.
My by then dh did not seem to pick up on this initially.
Over time I told him I did not think sex was love wereas he said it was part of an expression of love.
I did not want to lose him so i told him all sorts of things to survive such as lets make an effort.. lets do it each week, i confused him and myself massively because i gave out mixed messages all the time. Such as i will try, oh I wish you would leave me alone let me instigate.
And he did not know what to do and he said he did not want to force me .
We continued like this trying but not knowing what to do and i went to councelling several times.
I managed to report the abuser with dh support .
Some months later I found porn in the house. This deeply terrified me as in my mind he would not look at it.
I felt afraid in my home. It is hard to explain why.
He promised not to do it again but did a few weeks after dc born.
He sais he just wanted to feel good.
This confirmed by sad mindset that yes it was never about love as I felt replaced by the magazine .was so very angry I called him terrible things.i now understand it waa just release. And that that sexual energy is strong. And that is the energy ,different in my abuser,but one that hurt from /in both men .
We tried so hard. We went to couples councelling where she explained that sexual energy is not a bad thing.
We were ok at the sessions but when they stopped.. we could not go on forever as expensive .. things resorted back.
So now. I feel huge guilt. Good husband. He has given up. Dont blame him. He makes no effort with his appearance,hugs me like a sister,wont get close to me emotionally but shows love in many ways other than sexual.
This is hard to say but it feels time to give up trying. I feel fear when i experince any sexual energy now. I have had help in a clinic in hospital via gp. Nothing stops it even trauma therapy on the nhs.
I kmow my dh does not want to leave a woman he loves and he has buried his sexuality and anger because of it. I fear that he feels he cannot leave even if he wanted toas he feels he cannot have sex as a reason to leave and therfore hurt me.
I know he loves me and vica verca.
It feels like we have both lost our fight against the damage my abuser did and maybe we actually need to say that to each other? And be at peace with it? It feels as if we should discuss it somehow.. it is there, unspoken.