He can't get out of his head during sex

[porridgefacetwo]

I've been dating a man for just over a year. He's just turned 50. We get on well and I can see a future. The chemistry is great, but he over thinks during sex, tries too hard and just seems unable to get lost in it. This often results in losing his erection. If he's a bit drunk it sometimes helps, but that can cause erection issues too.

He is also very, very vanilla. It's basically fondle genitals (breasts a bit, if I'm lucky) then missionary, largely in silence, eyes closed. He always makes sure I cum (I usually use a bullet with him) but it's just a bit... boring and sad. It sounds awful now I'm writing it down.

He doesn't like oral (giving or receiving). Unfortunately I really like him. Any tips for helping him get out of his head, to relax and let himself go a bit?

First of all - ED, plentifully pills available. Cheap too

It could be that to him extrovert sex would sound fake and that this might be disrespectful to you

Oral - despite what you read on here not everyone likes it and at least he isn’t wanting to receive but not give

Vanilla - again if you turned this on its head and he had wanted anal and BDSM on Date No 1 I doubt if you would have liked that either

You do sound nice and I’m sure you can encourage him with

Still typing ..

with discussing fantasies and what you like him to say or do

Good luck!

Maybe try watching some tv shows/films withe some more varied sexual scenes... the visual stimulation may inspire some interesting conversations that give you an easy way to bring up what other things you would enjoy and could encourage him to give it a go?

Relaxed evening, some wine and taking it slow...you take the lead and tell him to slow down. Have some risqué lingerie and tell him what to do..and how much him doing that turns you on. I found a nice basque, with open front and fully shaved soon turned one guy into a very hard and dirty shag!

Pre DH I haven't never had a man object and respond enthusiastically...he needs to get through thinking vanilla.

Thank you for the advice. I tried sexy lingerie once. He says he liked it, he seemed to. But he lost his erection due to the pressure. So I felt terrible and made him feel bad (which I later apologised for)

It occurred to me - maybe I'm not very good at sex! My last partner took the lea and was very into it (and into me). I did a fair bit of just lying there! It just feels slightly limited with oral off the table. We kiss, I tend to touch his torso, thighs then penis with my hands. We sometimes do massages (at my suggestion) but sometimes they just make him sleepy.

What exactly could/should I try to make it more an experience he can get lost in at least a bit?

It is difficult to advise as I suspect anything that outs pressure in him could result in him losing his erection. I haven't really had a relationship with someone as you describe as "really vanilla" but probably cautious when a new relationship and not sure what the other likes.

What does has worked for me previously is when both are aroused is some gentle dirty talk initiated by you. Perhaps compliment him in how hard he is and it feels big inside you. Just comments like " I really need you inside me now" can work wonders and then progress to more detailed dirty talk. I think taking it slowly is key whilst not just carrying on with the same old etc.

Perhaps also talk to him? Whilst some men don't like oral...I've never met one yet personally and it has always been a very intimate and arousing experience for us both as long as it didn't mean a mouthful of public hair! Maybe revisit it at the right time

It may be just a confidence thing...he is maybe really nervous and that's why he loses his erection...and it become a habit...so long as he has no underlying health conditions viagra or similar will certainly help ensure he remains hard and when he does his confidence will improve...and so will the sex....good luck and don't give up!

If he had treatment for ED with a drug like Sildenafil (Viagra) and it worked, then the increased confidence could make him relax

It sounds like this could be the root of the problem

If you’re saying

Continued

that vanilla sex isn’t enough for you, that’s a different problem

Thank you. I think it is very much a confidence problem. But he's not a great communicator, so I know he'll find it hard(!) to talk about. We currently mostly acknowledge it in a vague way but don't actually discuss it. I think he'd like us to pretend it isn't happening. It knocks my confidence too. It makes me wonder if I ought to do something differently - touch him differently or be different somehow. Sex just seems to make him a bit uncomfortable, though he wants to do it! It feels a bit prescriptive, like he's following a recipe for an orgasm for me then him.

I have tried a bit of dirty talk, I think he liked it. This sounds ridiculous now I'm typing it!

Don't let it become an unspoken subject as it will just go on forever and maybe get worse.. Have some difficult but supportive discussions then hopefully you can both enjoy the process of discovering the things that get his mojo back!

I guess the fact that I'm not sure those conversations can happen indicates perhaps more serious issues here, that I'm only just realising

You need to have a serious talk about this , yes its awful for him absolutely, but if he is very vanilla and difficult to communicate with I would give it a certain amount of time on your head to sort out.
Ultimately can you live with this long term because your pleasure is just as important. And life is quite frankly way too short.