Do I give this one a miss?

[TourneeDuChatNoir]

I'm in the process of trying to set up a FWB situation at the moment. I'm in my 40s and completely single with no kids, and like my life setup too much to want an actual relationship, but the perimenopause has made me really want sex for some reason 🙄 so this would suit me.

I went in Fabswingers and I have a few "possibles" that I'm chatting to. One in particular has progressed to setting a date to meet but he's said a couple of things that I'm now dwelling on and I don't know whether I have good cause or if I'm overthinking.

Basically, I have driven the arrangements so far, but I'm being a little cautious and I'm not putting anything out there that could be used against me. I won't send him nudes or sext him (I haven't even met him yet and I don't know if he is who he says he is, after all) and I'm insisting on a public meeting first. He said he was ok with that but he's made a couple of little digs about me "going shy" on him and making him work for it, which makes me think he's not actually ok and thinks I'm a prude.

I also have a condition which makes me have nocturnal seizures occasionally, which leave me good for nothing for the whole of the following day and also, to be blunt, can make me wet the bed. I gave him the very basic details (not the bedwetting thing, obviously) as an explanation of why I sometimes don't reply to his messages straight away (because I'm asleep or I feel like shit and not especially flirtatious) and why I'm not up for an overnight stay. He sent me the 🤔 emoji on its own, then said "Is this your way of trying to out me off, then?" I replied that no, I was just explaining that I have some physical limitations and thought it was important for him to know I wasn't ignoring him/trying to get rid of him straight after DTD. His reply was "Hmm okay then" followed by the hands-up emoji.

It seems like he thinks I've invented some sort of unsexy illness to put him off while simultaneously making all the arrangements to meet him for sex... should I bother with him or just try to cultivate my other possibles? After all, I only want to have sex with him, not anything serious, so perhaps it doesn't matter if he's a bit dickish.

It sounds to me like he isn’t blessed with much intelligence and given your openness and his immature response I’d wait for someone with a bit more between the ears.

A precise assessment which has helped a lot! I'm not going to feel comfortable with him now, I don't think, so I'll look at one of my (younger) other options...

@TourneeDuChatNoir
Firstly, for your condition. Normal life must be hell, never mind trying to date!

In a way, it's a good thing that you have driven the conversation. It suggests he isn't overly keen (in a creepy way!), and that you have control. It's an excellent idea to meet publicly for a social (I always insist on that!), as you need to know if there is a connection / chemistry. However, if he is "picking" at things, then he may not be the right person for you.

Obviously, I don't know what you have shared with him about your condition, but it may sound to him like an excuse of some sort.

Maybe he just isn't right for you. As you are well aware, you are spoilt for choice on Fab, so why settle for someone that doesn't tick all the boxes?

As @Longsight2019 says, look further afield. Maybe someone that is more mature, he said, hopefully

I just told him I had a chronic health condition that affects my sleep and makes me a bit dozy sometimes. I suppose it would seem a bit excusey in isolation but I thought I'd demonstrated my keenness by making all the arrangements and sending him a Google maps link to the place we were meeting!

Chuck him back, you aren’t looking for the same thing.

What’s your profile like? When you’re looking for hookups / fuck buddies, and especially as a woman on FS, you need to be absolutely strikingly clear and upfront in your profile about your boundaries and what you will and won’t do. People on FS range from those who will (and expect to) send nudes and do dirty talk right from the get go, through to those who are looking for genuine FWBs with whom they want to build the F alongside the B. Whilst FS used to be predominantly for non-monogamous people looking for various things, in recent years it’s been inundated by single men using it as a dating site alternative thinking that every woman on there is an easy shag.

I figured that out pretty quickly and was clear about what I was looking for and what my lines in the sand were. Not that that made much difference to the ones who don't read the profile and just leap straight in there with the angry red dick pics. I've blocked the iffy one now and I have three that I'm planning to test drive, haha. They're nice and respectful so far, so fingers crossed one of them will fit the bill.

Go onto fab with the idea of a social. Just as dating, they don't need to know everything. You meet, no spark, dismiss. You meet, find a spark, you chat and divulge.
Just like dating, I wouldn't give everything away about me. They need to know even less!

OP, you are in the driving seat, keep it that way. I can’t speak about meeting anyone on FS; never done it and not likely to.

But in the early days of any friendship, there is a huge different ball game (excuse the pun!)) between having sex with someone and spending the night with them. Daytime sex can be fantastic anyway!

He is not respecting your position and getting too pushy. You have other people on your radar who sound is if they would better suit your needs and you can take things slowly.

In the longer term, two friendships might work better than one.

Unfortunately, I'm finding it extremely difficult to find someone who'll follow through on a plan to meet up. I find if the "date" is too far in the future, they flake on me for some reason, but if I won't meet them immediately for sex (no social meetup first) they lose interest then as well. Are there really no men who want regular nsa sex? Are my boundaries too stringent for them? It's really disheartening. Perhaps I'm not cut out for this!

OP, your boundaries are not to stringent, they are pragmatic and sensible. You are merely getting rid of those who are a waste of space.

In a friendship such as this, it is important that the individual is also a true friend.

I suspect if I were younger and hotter, they'd be prepared to wait a few days for me! The problem is that I don't have any single male friends who could potentially become fwb, or at least set me up with someone they know, so online is the only way forward for me.

@TourneeDuChatNoir - Any sort of OLD is a minefield, so patience is very much a virtue.

There really are decent guys out there, like myself, looking for a FWB, that are more than prepared to make an effort. If they aren't, then block them, and move on. Loads of choice out there.

I will always meet for a social first - it's vital to ensure there is some chemistry, otherwise, what's the point? Also, you get a chance to see that the person really looks like there photos, and they haven't posted something 10 years old.. Unless, of course, you do a video call beforehand.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

@TourneeDuChatNoir - It’s rude that they’d expect you to just have sex straight away. It’s like the guys who ask if you’re up for a MMF threesome with them and their mate in their very first message. No etiquette at all!

I got a message from one guy saying he and his mate wanted to "share" a girlfriend and would I be up for that? He assured me they wouldn't want to fuck me both at the same time, which he obviously thought was very magnanimous of them. I can certainly see what ComtesseDeSpair meant about men on there thinking all the women are easy and up for anything.

A lot of female profiles on Fab are not women, they are either bots, men pretending to be women or sometimes they are women who want to link you to Only Fans.

I think men have a hard time getting chats going so they're naturally suspicious.

There sre some good men on Fab but you have to wade through the dross first, respectful men will be fine with chatting and a social before you consider sex.
Men who only think with their cocks don't want socials and think when they're horny a woman will just fall into their laps.

Those that want to meet immediately also may be married/in a relationship and want a quick meet while the wife is at work/out.

How are you filtering the profiles?
I didn't ever chat to anyone who couldn't accomodate, 99% of the time it means they are married/in a relationship.
If they didn't bother with an age range and/or didn't complete their profile I didn't reply back as it just shows they don't care and just expect sex to fall in their lap.
Age ranges and profiles literally take seconds, if they can't be bothered with that what would they be like in real life.

I've given up and hidden my profile for now. It seems like far too much work to pick out one of the not-shitty guys from amongst the ones who send me unwanted peen pics, or are obviously trying to conduct an affair, or who can't be bothered to fill in a profile with minimal details at least. When I see the 18-99 age range it makes me want to say "I'm not interested, but my 99 year old grandma could do with a shag after her bingo night, shall I pass her your kik details?" Anyway, I'm shortly going to be recommencing some meds which, as a side effect, kill off my libido, so I shan't be troubled by the urges any more!

@TourneeDuChatNoir When I was on Fab, with lots of time on my hands I would sometimes reply to messages by asking if they would really sleep with a 99yr old because if they would then they're not for me, they would be quick to point out they wouldn't and change the upper age range.
Then I'd ask whether they'd really sleep with an 18yr old if they are 40 because if they would then they weren't for me.

I'd also tell them why they're photos were unacceptable and why they never got chats with people.

I became an unofficial profile critic, it whiled away some hours 😂😂

Haha, that sounds like fun... I think that if they can be bothered to tick the cannot accommodate box and send me a picture of their angry-looking dick, then surely the rest is not too onerous?

@TourneeDuChatNoir I've seen some profiles where they can't accomodate or travel - how does that work🤷‍♀️

If they had photos of them having sex with women I'd ask who the woman was and if she consented to her photo being on Fab.
Mainly I told them that I knew what sex was and didnt need photos to prove they knew how to have sex😂

Oh the fun I had when stick at home some evenings....thankfully I get out more now😂

I think it means that they just want to do webcam sex, i.e. wank at you over Zoom.

The very last message I got before hiding my profile said "Will you make an exception to your "no married men" rule for me?". He hadn't even included a picture so I could see what was so special about him that I would throw away my principles for him. I do have hobbies, otherwise I'd be tempted to stay on as an unofficial profile critic 😂