He got bored

[Boredhimtodeath]

Over the last couple of years we’ve had hardly any sex. A couple of weeks ago we decided to make more of an effort and it’s now started to come more naturally. The problem is it takes me longer to finish, a lot of it is that I can’t relax at first. I suggested what helps - found out through self discovery over the last couple of years. He hasn’t taken this on board.

Every time we have had sex the last few weeks he has finished and I have once when we used a toy. Another time I faked it because I was conscious it was taking me forever. The next day he mentioned he knew I faked it and asked why and I explained. It only ever takes him a couple of minutes and when it’s over then it’s over.

Tonight he decided he wanted me to finish, I was conscious that it was taking a while but was thinking happy thoughts and relaxing into it. When I got really close I could tell he was getting bored - sighing and exaggerating how uncomfortable he was and I tensed up again.

I tried to initiate moving on and just having sex and at that point he just flopped down with his back to me saying he was tired. I didn’t know what to do or say so found myself saying sorry for it taking so long and did he want to carry on (as in have sex) he told me not to say sorry and that he was exhausted now. I turned over disappointed to go to sleep and he said not to make an issue out of it. Baring in mind I was lying no different to him.

I didn’t really know how to react because in reality it had been about 10 minutes and I couldn’t help feeling really disappointed that in future I won’t feel relaxed enough to get anything out of it. He’s since gone and got in the spare bed because I look miserable.

I’m at the point of not wanting to sleep with him again now because I will either have to fake it and him question me or us probably fall out.

That sounds like an absolute nightmare way to be having sex.
He clearly doesn’t understand your needs. You may be better investing in a good vibrator and using that, than spend time with somebody who is sighing!
I’m so sorry you are putting up with this x

God, you poor thing, that's awful! Doesn't he realise that this kind of behaviour will just make it worse...? Harder for you to relax..?

And he's exhausted from 10 minutes of playing with you...? Bollocks. He's just being incredibly selfish.

I think you need to ask him why he isn't willing to make the effort. It might be hard work now but it'll improve things in the long run.

10 mins can be nothing, most women take longer than men often do. If he doesn't approach it with a 'woman comes first' attitude, especially if it all stops when he's done then he's actually a shit lover and he is the problem.
As you've said, you've sussed yourself what works, but he's ignoring you - aka, doing it wrong. Tell him if he can't adapt and do what actually works for you, then it's going to take longer, and if pleasing you is not a turn on for him, then he's missed the point of relationship sex.

So I’ve spoken to him about it today and he said he was under the impression I was getting frustrated and that we weren’t going to get anywhere because of it. I’ve said about the fact I can’t help it taking longer- didn’t mention about the fact he hadn’t listened to me because I didn’t want to turn it into point scoring. Next time I’m going to be a little firmer with my suggestions of what I like and will criticise if he doesn’t listen then.

Then he should be checking in with you... "Is that ok? How does that feel?" Sex shouldn't be silent with everyone trying to read each other's minds.

DP and I have code...! I say "Oh god, you'll probably get cramp in your hand". He knows that means "Argh! Am I taking too long! Are you bored?" He knows to respond "Don't you worry about me. I'm not stopping until we're done" It's silly but it works!

... I did have to explain "When I say x, it means I'm worried about y.."!

No criticism necessary, positive reinforcement is the way to go. " If you do it like this, I might be quicker, so that would be better for you too" should be a win, win.

You need to talk to him during playing. That feels good, oh, just there, you're hitting the right place, slower, faster.
He doesn't know how to please you. A few words will help.
He's probably completely discouraged. He's not a mind reader.
He's struggling and it would help by giving him encouragement.

You could try to get him to give you a helping hand using toys, then hands, then tongue then penetrative. These are escalating stages you can try to get comfortable from a level of assured orgasm that you can build on each time. Comfort is the key, start with low risk solutions then build up each time.

Communication is the key. And ten minutes is nothing! I'm a lesbian and sex lasts at least an hour.

You mention several times about you not being relaxed enough. It's never going to 'work' unless you are is it? He may be a shit lover, or he may be trying really hard, being really attentive, just not getting the right cues from you to know if he's hitting the spot or not (which I can fully understand if you're not fully relaxed). Some people are really quiet/reserved in bed, and others provide much more feedback. If someone doesn't give any feedback at all (which tends to be the case when they're rigid/not relaxed), then even the most attentive lover won't know if they're doing it right.

He shouldn't be getting anywhere near your lady bits until you're relaxed, whatever that takes for you - hot bath/massage/lots of kissing and cuddling. And that can be a two way thing - even you giving him a massage first might help you get relaxed (and hopefully he'll get the message and reciprocate anyway). Maybe time is an issue for you as well - everyone seems too busy to relax properly these days, especially with family life. Couples can end up 'doing sex' to each other because they think they should be having it, rather than because the desire is truly there every time (either momentarily or permanently).

If you can't get that sexual communication working subtly between the two of you, then there's no harm in the direct physical approach - take his hand and guide him to the right spot/motion/speed. Stimulate yourself during PiV. Doggy is good for that, and he probably won't even know your doing it to yourself if you don't want him to know.

Or try incorporating sex toys into the lovemaking process - not just as a backup option when he fails to satisfy you (nothing worse than being made to feel inferior to a battery operated toy!), but as part of proceedings. There are sex toys available that can be used during the act as well. That might enhance things for both of you, and raise excitement levels just talking about it/shopping for toys.

Ultimately though - do you actually still fancy him? Because the way you've written it all sounds somewhat functional, and if the sexual attraction is dwindling/missing (which sounds plausible after a long dry spell) that's hardly going to help either.