In a sexless marriage - and it's my fault

[ColdAsMice]

Name changed, for obvious reasons.

I see loads of these 'sexless marriage threads'. Pretty much without fail, the advice is to leave because life's too short to be with someone sexually incompatible.

Here's one where the shoe's on the other foot. 'Sexless' is a slight exaggeration...we have sex about once a month. But by many standards, I appreciate that's very little. And it's very much me who is the cause.

We've been married over 10 years, have children, house etc. No, our sex life wasn't always like this - but has been for a long time. Yes, DH very much wants more.

The reasons why? I'm just not sure...I do love him. I am still attracted to him, though he isn't in as good shape these days as when we were younger. He's a good husband in loads of ways. The communication between us probably isn't the best, particularly when it comes to sex. I've never been an initiator and I have to very much feel connected before I can get turned on. For him, it's just a physical thing - when he wants it, he wants it regardless of context or situation. No small talk, no real foreplay just action ASAP. But that is nowhere near as bad as it sounds- he's not selfish in the bedroom at all and is always keen to satisfy me.

I am a naturally highly stressed, anxious person so often have so much running in my head that I find it very hard to get in the mood without a fair amount of talking, loving etc first. That doesn't tend to happen. But at the same time, he's probably given up as I so often shut him down.

He's adamant he doesn't want to leave me. Yes we've talked about this, plenty. No - I don't think I'm eligible for any kind of medication etc. It's not that I have zero sex drive (certain weeks of my cycle it's quite high). Just the rest of the time it's non existent or the stars have to align for it to happen.

So - If the standard advice is to leave someone who doesn't give you sex, where does that leave me? Force DH to go? Force myself to have sex even when my body (& mind) do not want it...which just feels horribly wrong? Where is the solution?

If this reads as blasé or offhand, believe me it's not. I'm very upset about this situation and how it's impacting my relationship, my DH, and potentially the future of myself and my DCs. I'm just trying to get perspective.

Nobody? :(

I sympathise with you. To a degree. I think you have to help yourself a little too and by that I mean a couple of things.
Firstly you need to have an honest & frank conversation with your dh about your sex life & what is & isn't working for you. Telli him in detail what you need. And then listen in return to what he needs. This can be a very difficult conversation to have as we're sort of primed to see rejection where there is more a miscommunication of needs
Plus it involves peeling back layers, often years of misaligned needs & misunderstanding.

If you're starting from a place where you both want more / better for your marriage then you have a good chance I think.

Keep talking. All the time. I get the needing to be emotionally close to him & feeling cherished/ desired before you can start to feel like wanting sex. Start that ball rolling...you say at times in your cycle you feel more inclined to want to have sex. Flirt with him a little - whisper something suggestive in his ear or text him..
He's likely to respond positively & over the course of the day you have that little spark growing between you.
In my own somewhat similar experience it works! I was waiting to be wooed & he was tired of rejection so we'd both given up.
After some v hard talks we cleared the air & now we're a million times better. He KNOWS I love him & want him & he also knows that if I reach out to him in that way he responds back & it feels Gre at for both of us.
Good luck OP!

@ColdAsMice
There is quite a bit of truth in the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing - particularly when it comes to sex. Depending on age, you are probably aren't too far off about it being purely physical for him. As an older gent, I now realise the need for a connection, much as you are describing.

Communication is key. You say it isn't great, particularly about sex, so I'd suggest that you need to start there.

Maybe arrange childcare and / or a weekend away at a hotel or something, where there are fewer distractions, and talk to him.

Tell him how you feel, and what you want, and ask him how he feels, and what he wants. Maybe you just aren't on the same page at the moment.

Couples counselling would be another suggestion, but you both have to invest the time and effort, so initial talks between you is still the place to start.

I'd say the good news is that you want to do something about the situation that doesn't involve separation & divorce, but you both have to want the same things, and you both have to work at it.

I'd say try a variety of tactics before you give up. You know you need to feel connected, that doesn't start in the bedroom, so date nights could help with that. If you are not touchy feely at all, maybe it's time you promoted that. A hug can be a powerful tool, it's also a good way to relieve aniety. I love hugs, could not be happy dating someone who was not into them.
If you still fancy each other, flirt a bit, during the day, away from the bedroom, where sex is not on the cards but anticipation can build for another time ( you might want to chose around ovulation time for this). The buildup is better off starting hours or even days before rather than the minute you get in bed.

These are very useful and thoughtful comments. Very little to add

I’m sorry that you’re in this situation @ColdAsMice
I agree with the others that you both probably need to start building intimacy into the relationship, rather than it just being about you having sex. As the others have suggested, try being more tactile with each other - hugs & kisses might then lead to sex, rather than it being an “on or off” situation. I also agree that sex for men & women can be different & women often need that build up to put them in the mood. I also think the more sex you have, often the more you want. When you are having sex, does he know what you like? Do you encourage him by saying what feels nice? Can you openly discuss what you like - each take turns to suggest different things. Tell him you need more foreplay, so that you feel ready. Do you watch tv together? Could you watch something together to see if that puts you in the mood or see if it opens the conversation about what you might like to do to improve your sex life. (There has been a thread about this on here recently). Do you like to read fiction OP? Some of the books by TL Swann might be worth a look - The Takeover & The Stopover.
It sounds like it would be worth making the effort as you both seem happy in other ways. I would just say not to worry too much about how frequently you are having sex either. It sounds like it would be more important to build the intimacy first, so you get to that point where you really want to have sex with him.
Good luck, let us know how things go.

Thanks all. We have talked about it, lots. But nothing ever changes - he just cannot understand what I mean about needing communication and connection. He just wants me to be turned on and ready to go all the time, and I can't. We've also had couples counselling although not about sex, just lack of connection in general - it helped for a while, then reverted. We're essentially really good TV buddies I think although we love each other and are attracted to each other. If we go away to a hotel, we do usually end up having sex. But recently we went on holiday for two weeks and only did it once....that is a new low point.

@ColdAsMice you sound very low & defeated to be honest. And I'm sorry to see that.
I think perhaps the key question to ask yourself here is - do you still want to be with your dh? Apart from kids/ house etc do you want him?
Is this worth fighting for? If the answer is yes then I think you have to give it a try & that means you have to change your behaviour as well as hoping he'll change his.
Most of us who've answered you have all said intimacy doesn't start in the bedroom. It's long before that.
You say you've talked about ita lot & he's made a bit of an effort for a while. Did you make an effort too? Did you initiate any sort of intimacy with him? Do you hug & hold hands? Cuddle on the sofa? Rub each other's backs? Suggest sharing a bath? Instead of watching tv, hace a chat with a glass of wine ? Make opportunities to be together even when you have kids- plan a dinner for when they're in bed with a ban on tv for the evening? Or alternatively plan a cosy night curled up together on the sofa under a blanket watching something grown up & a bit sexy? Do you read erotic stories that can help you focus on feeling more in the mood?
Do you pay him compliments?
I ask all this because if you want change, if you want a better relationship with your husband - something's got to give. Something's got to change. You both have to change how you are together.
He needs to do all of the above things too but it comes across just a little bit as though you're waiting for him to make all the moves / changes

IME I think you need to talk to a sex therapist, not just a relationship counsellor. If your DH doesnt buy into that, sell it as you wanting a better sex life for both of you and you needing his help and someone else's. You don't need to take the blame, but if he feels your taking responsibility that tales pressure off him and makes it easier. Look for a COSRT therapist who will tall to you both separately AND together, and make it clear from the start that you want to fix your sex life. You'll tall about other stuff as well.
I'm a great believer that when couples turn into TV buddies, fixing sex can help with a lot of other stuff and it's a virtuous circle.
Good luck.❤

Re lack of holiday sex - not significant

Many people prefer it to take place in a familiar environment

Thank you, I think you're both right. I definitely don't ever initiate...I think incredibly rarely in the many years we've been together. He said today that no matter what he does, the responsibility for whether it happens or doesn't is always on him "getting it right" because its only ever him who makes a move. And that's not fair. But I find it incredibly hard to initiate things, even on the odd occasion that I want to. A sex therapist may definitely be a good way to go.

Today we actually did DTD..we had the house to ourselves and no rush for once. I think if that happened more often it would happen more often. its the rushing element which takes away the talking and cuddles etc first which is a killer for me. Anyway, at least he's happy at the mo as we've had some action but the longer term issue definitely still needs addressing.

@ColdAsMice I do wonder if you would benefit from some individual counselling first? Are there other unresolved issues for you that are creating this situation?
In your post today, you’ve said that you have DTD and at least he’s happy. What about you? Did you enjoy it? It almost sounds like it was a task to get done so that it meets his needs. I would say that you need to consider your part in this and what pleasure you get out of it. I keep recommending this woman on Instagram called @hellojennykeane because she does workshops for women to support them with issues like you describe. That might be worth a look. I hope it does get better for you both.

Apologies if it came across as only meeting his needs. I definitely did enjoy it, largely because there was no rush or distraction and we could really take the time to communicate and enjoy each other not just rush to the physical part which doesn't work for me like that too. But I very much had in my mind the fact that this will probably be the last time for at least a month now so it had to be good enough to keep DH going.

I think you're correct that my issues are greater than his so I probably require therapy more. However I'm not even really sure what my issues with this are. I just don't want sex very often...is that truly so abnormal.

Sounds to me like you're in a bit of a catch 22.
You don't want sex because he isn't doing what you would like to get you in the mood, and he doesn't want to do the romantic stuff to get you in the mood because you won't have sex.

I think this happens to alot of people at some point, and one of you is going to have to break the cycle.

@ColdAsMice I totally understand what you say about having too much going on in your head to just be able to be 'in the mood' at a moments notice.

I think you'd find this book really interesting, Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. www.goodreads.com/book/show/22609341-come-as-you-are

Maybe have a read, and then leave it for him to read! I think it does a good job of explaining why so many seemingly peripheral things have a huge impact on how sexual we feel.

@ColdAsMice Sex is a lifestyle thing, it’s very easy to get in to a routine of work, jobs, collapse in front of the TV, bed. If you make the time to do it you often find you want it more.