Explaining what I want without hurting dh

[Mismatched09]

I think I'm have a little midlife crisis!!
35 years old and been with dh 12 years and married 6.
2 kids
We are going through a rough patch and are trying to work through some things which include zero sex. We've hit that barrier that makes it really difficult to take that first step, with neither of us prepared to make the move.
Anyway, I've been going on a self love journey and trying to figure myself out as I'm not sure I did when I was younger, only 1 sexual partner and all that.
I think I've come to the realisation that I would love him to be fit enough to lift me during sex, for him to physically take charge.
He's overweight, lacks upper body strength and I don't find him attractive atm if I'm honest.
I think that's partly because our emotional connection has faltered and we are on different pages right now, so need to put in some work, which I am eager to do.
But is it acceptable to say that I want him to be able to lift me and get fit to do it.
It feels like a bad idea as you can't tell someone to lose weight, that's their choice, but I have daydreams and it's always slender men who can lift me up against a door and that's something that dh has never done and definitely couldn't in his current state.

Yanbu to want him to get fitter for his own health, however yabu for wanting him to get fitter too lift you during sex, he's not old but no spring chicken either and I think you have more issues to work on than finding it a turn on that he lifts you during sex, like in what way lift you, am I kissing something.

Ffs missing something 🤣🤣🤣

Any chance you could get fit together?

@inthesameboatatmo granted I see your point. If love for him to do it for health reasons generally too, he'd maybe have more oomph with the kids instead of sitting on his phone and watching them play. I suppose I thinking the "lifting for sex" seems less harsh than you should get fitter for your health even though I know that sounds crazy.
Almost that you don't really think of the health benefits in advance, but the sex benefits might be more appealing.
And I mean someone who can sensually lift me and slowly lay me onto the bed, or lift and hold me to dtd standing or have more support for shower sex etc.
He could probably throw me, but not enough core strength to maintain a lift.

@summerhillsquare I wish this was an option but I've spent the past 10-12 months losing weight and getting fitter post baby and lockdown style. I've cooked healthier meals but he just has extra snacks or goes for secret Friday breakfasts at the local greasy sandwich shop or Mcds.

I think because I don't remember being satisfied in our sex life, ever, I'm picking up on things that turn me on and would like to try them to see if we can sort that side of our life. But I find that it all requires a bit more stamina and strength on his part.

Hmm. That's quite specific. This wouldn't ever be an option for me, even when I was in training and weighed several stone less than I do now, I was pretty solid.

I wonder whether there's any other way of reaching the state you're looking for. It sounds like feeling as if you're with a very strong man, or handing over control, is at least part of it? What if he ordered you to do things, or held your hands over your head, or bent your legs back over your head or something like that?

It's perfectly reasonable to want your partner to get fit and healthy, particularly if you're willing to do it with them. You can't force them though. And it's going to take some months, so if that's a dealbreaker, it does sound a bit like you're trying to put off actually having sex with him.

What about a sex swing, or something like that? Lovehoney have loads of them

My DH is super fit but he doesn't lift me etc. How heavy are you?

@permanenttemporary I think a sex swing might be a bit too much of a leap initially. We have a very "vanilla" sex life, but maybe something to build towards.
I like the other ideas though, I guess I am always the one in control in our everyday life, so maybe the lifting is my subconscious way of wanting to relinquish that control.
Is it something that guys can learn to do/enjoy if they've never taken control before?
He isn't a "control" type in any way. Not in daily life or the bedroom, so how do you encourage that behaviour. I've never been able to in general life and I don't think it works if the other person isn't on board if that makes sense.
If it's obvious he isnt comfortable with taking charge then it's not going to be a turn on at all.

@silverlake I'm just over 10 stone and so I know it's probably not feasible in the slightest, but I suppose him at least having the strength to control moving me in a slow motion. Not like I'm a sack of potatoes or something.

You can fantasise though. And tell him about your fantasy, during sex or beforehand.

I had a partner who was told to shush when he tried anything like that by his ex-wife (note the ex). Talking and thinking are powerful.

@permanenttemporary that's a good way to approach the discussion, thanks.
It should open up the idea that he can share his fantasies too as I'm happy to try things (it's more been that when I've tried to open dialog on the past, he doesn't seem to want to try anything at all)

Yes I'm afraid I reacted like that when my first husband wanted to talk about options in sex. I feel bad for him now as he did it well but the fact was I didn't want to try anything with him, my sex drive was quite low at the time and I just wanted to have sex enough that he thought his life was OK.

getting fit enough to lift you off your feet when making love is a damn fine fitness goal imho