Can early relationship ED problems be overcome?

[SexEDHelp]

New relationship. Both coming out of longish marriages. Both early 40s. Both out of practice. Partner struggles to get hard or maintain an erection. Has no trouble at all when we’re not physically together. We’ve gone on lots of dates, get on brilliantly and both want this to work long term. Really fancy each other, all the boxes ticked. He thinks it will get better with time and that it’s just performance anxiety. I know not to take it personally and I really feel for him. We’ve spent only a handful of nights together and it’s not getting better. We have had penetrative sex but I don’t think he’s fully hard and it’s so frustrating because I don’t feel satisfied and I know from pictures I’ve seen what I’m missing! Any tips? I know I have to tread carefully and not put him under any more pressure.

Performance anxiety is terrible. I've had it myself and it can just get worse and worse. Each time you 'fail' makes you even worse for the next time. Rinse and repeat.

In all honesty, a little bit of Viagra may be a lifesaver here. I might break the cycle.

Of course he might be at his stage where a ED problem is coming to light? In which case it's worth examining why - Drink? Overweight? No exercise?

Good luck.

I don’t think it’s a physical problem. He’s fine when he’s at home and we’re sexting or on a video call. It’s definitely related to the expectation of performing with me in person. And yes, I can see it spiralling.

Why not take PIV off the agenda for the time being and explore other things that you both enjoy & hopefully this will reinforce some positive experiences/memories.
Viagra & similar can be bought online (from legit pharmacy websites) now, so that might be worth considering as @MyAltAccount suggests.
Good luck @SexEDHelp, I hope things improve for you both.

Thanks @Whatliesbeneath707 He’s really reluctant to go down the pulls route and I don’t feel I can bring it up again without making it seem more of an issue than it is if that makes sense. I think I was hoping to hear positive stories of this rectifying itself over time but I can so clearly see how it’s a cycle that can just get worse. We have managed some things and he gets hardish at times. I just really feel for him. I believe him when he says it’s never happened but I think it’s been quite a long time for him though he hasn’t said how long. I’ve never experienced it before either so just trying to be considerate and not worsen the spiral.

*pills

Been there. Would recommend Dr Fox website and go for tadalafil (generic Cialis) as the affects are longer and sides typically less.

Only took me a few goes to build up enough confidence (after not dating a new person for 20 years) to be good on my own.

@BasicDad thank you. Looks like I might need to broach the pills approach. Was really hoping not to because he’s not keen.

@SexEDHelp sex should be fulfilling for you. It could be a harsh conversation, but needs to be had. Do it with empathy though. Good luck.

@BasicDad I know what you mean but what if it is just teething trouble? Something that might come good in time? I don’t want to make it worse for him. I think I might take a wait and see approach for a little while and then deal with it if it’s still an issue. He’s likely to be more open to the pills convo then. No one has said yet that it’s something that will get better on its own so I think that’s where we will end up. Thank you for the replies

Cock rings. 3 pack on Ebay for about £3.

We were in the same boat - I was single for 8 years prior and he had been married but had been in a sexless marriage for 10 years. They had struggled to conceive and she put them on a conception schedule which caused a huge amount of psychological damage, and once the child was born they didn’t have sex again.

He is the loveliest man I’ve ever met and I wasn’t going to make any quick decisions about ending the relationship so we had to have a few very honest conversations. Neither of us are into oral (both v happy to give but not bothered about receiving), but we really concentrated on mutual masturbation first, to take a bit of pressure off. Then we got really good at it, so that gave him confidence that at least he was satisfying my needs, and vice versa.

Since then it’s slowly improving. We try for sex in the morning when his testosterone levels are higher. He sometimes uses viagra and/or a cock ring - we plan this a little as it sometimes makes him flushed or gives him heartburn, so a little spontaneity is lost, but no big deal. He has never ejaculated inside me but I suspect this is connected to a tight foreskin (his doesn’t retract all the way, which is an issue I have yet to tackle!) and takes a while to orgasm, so I finish him off with my hand.

We don’t have a “normal” sex life if you’d define that as lots of PIV sex. But, it’s normal for us, there is lots of intimacy, and I’ve had more orgasms with him than with any other partner. We both find each other attractive and have lots of the same interests and love being together. It’s not perfect but it works for us.

@SweatyBetty20 thank you so much for your reply. So useful to hear your experience. It’s interesting what you say about mutual masturbation and him gaining confidence from giving you pleasure. I really struggle to orgasm with a partner and so, whilst I think that gives me some empathy in the current situation, in the sense that I sometimes feel like I can’t ‘perform’ either, I also think it’s not helping his confidence. If he could get me off I think it would help the situation massively. Good to have things to think about and try!