Sexual Confidence

[HappyMonday23]

Hi lovely ladies.. looking for some advice.
I’ve been with my ex husband since I was 17 and apart from a few fumbles in my teens he was the first person I had sex with.

Fast forward to age 34, and he has now left me for somebody else..which is a whole other story… and I now find myself single, childless and approaching divorce before I’m even 35
It has been a very difficult time, full of grieving, feelings of rejection and trying to learn to love myself again.

I’ve reached a point now where I’m really excited to get back out there and ‘enjoy’ myself. I didn’t have my 20s learning and experiencing different people and I want to do that now instead of jumping into another serious relationship.

Problem is, I am very sexually inexperienced and lack confidence. Sex during our marriage was very loving but very vanilla and I was never ever dominant or initiated new things (I always felt a bit shy). I know this is a time to reinvent myself but I just don’t know how to practice, if that makes sense?

How did you become confident in the bedroom and learn different things? I would like to impress a guy with my confidence but I just overthink myself and it shows.

I’ve have tried a bit of OLD for the first time very recently and wow, it was an eye opener. I did however chat to a guy for a few weeks and went on a few dates before agreeing that we’d both like to have sex, and whilst I enjoyed it and didn’t feel weird being with another man for the first time (which I was slightly worried about) it really brought home to me how I am so so sexually unconfident. For example I feel too shy to take the reins and initiate a blow job, or talk dirty, or even moan too enthusiastically… but I really want to be able to, it adds so much more to the experience for both parties. Im not shy about different positions but I just automatically want the guy to lead on everything.

I am no prude and have quite a lot of sexual desire, I can flirt well but then can’t seem to act on it. Which is a huge let down when we actually get to the bedroom and I act all meek! I would absolutely LOVE to have whatever ‘mind blowing’ or ‘amazing’ sex is

It’s my opportunity now to enjoy and experience new things with NSA, it’s quite a liberating feeling, but I can’t decide if I need to practice by going with a few different people and learning what I like or maybe find a FWB and be honest that I’m not overly confident and would like to learn and try new things.

I was content with only having sex with husband for the rest of my days, but now life has thrown a curveball I don’t want to waste the opportunity of trying the things I missed out on in my teens and twenties

Sorry for the rambling post, it feels like everyone around has so much more experience and would love any tips!!

How does anything evolve? Practice!

In the meantime, why not go for the take me to bed and show me what you would like to do line. Confidence will grow.

Finally FWBs (l hate that term, but that’s my problem) can get complicated. In such scenarios, l would suggest at least 2 rather than one.

Enjoy your new renaissance!

Finally, share my anthem with me “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys.

Agree with @StarlightLady about practice...but in reality it means experience with a an experienced and unselfish lover. I look back that my first BF was someone a little older than me and when he found out I was still a virgin didn't rush me. When our time came, it was relaxed (weekend away) and lots of gentle massage and touching which made my first time very special. However, over time I got gradually educated and tried different things. It wasn't something I could learn in one weekend! I learnt what he liked and wanted to try. He seemed to have an innate knack of being able to do things to me that just sent me out of my mind..and which made me want to do the same for him.

However, I'm afraid the world isn't full of men like that. Many are inexperienced themselves, selfish or can't be bothered and hence why many people unhappy with their sex life.

You need someone you feel comfortable, who is experienced and has patience so that together that side of you can be explored.
Perhaps someone who is experienced in Tantra.

From a male perspective, I reckon you're over thinking this and don't think you need to pretend you're more experienced than you are.

Don't feel embarrassed about lack of experience, I reckon many guys will like the idea of being first to try something with you. Also worth concentrating on fantasies, what would you like to really try for first time rather than worrying about performance, which in any case is more enthusiasm than technique.

Me experience of coming out if a very long relationship and going to online dating is that the guys are really open and honest with regards to sexual experiences.
If they have hardly had any they will say and if they've had lots they will say . So just be honest it doesn't out people off at all and the hookups I've had we just understand that its sex we want that's all so there really isnt much unease involved.

Sorry for typos its early

I really like this post. I've met a lot of women who only "found" themselves in their late 40s. They've had very unsatisfactory sex lives or just wanted to be a bit more naughty and adventurous. If you find the right guy he will love this side to you. I certainly did with the ladies I met.

I think generally you’ll always be learning and I very much believe if you’re with the right person then you can let go of your inhibitions and learn to enjoy each other together.
I think a FWB set up would work better, as opposed to NSA, you can gain experience and get to know what you like at the same time.

Good luck and have fun!

Getting divorced and getting back to dating at 35 means youve got it easy. A lot easier than in 10 or 20 years time. 🤣 Some of us didn't even get married till that age.

I'm going to be a bit controversial here, and take this with a big note of caution.
As others have said, confidence comes from practice and experience. But I don't think you can really learn that from one person. I'm not suggesting you have a string of ONSs as an academic exercise but as you've already discovered, sex with one person means you only know what one person likes, and that one person isn't you.

You're still young. Go have some fun, make some mistakes, and learn from the good and the bad.
Just remember to stay safe.

Thank you all for your kind messages and advice. So practice makes perfect and I’m planning to get out there and get practicing!! (Both excited and nervous about this) Perhaps I will be able to find a FWB that I feel comfortable enough with to take things slow and try new things before I feel ready to move on to the next with a bit more confidence.

@Exiledmancguy I hadn’t teally thought about it from that perpestive - that some guys might actually enjoy being the first to show me new things, that makes me feel more encouraged already.

@Estherpologist yes you are right, I have plenty of time and need to keep that in perspective when Im having a ‘feeling sorry for myself’ day.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply to my post and for your kind, encouraging words :)

You are 34/5. You are approaching your sexual peak. Find a partner who puts you first and meets your needs both in life and in the bedroom. From day one be clear about what you like when it comes to sex and make sure he attends your desires....plenty of men actually do desperately want to satisfy their lover although, as in life, there are those who only care for themselves. Good luck and remember that if a man is luck enough to be invited into your bed he will be feeling extremely privileged and keen to please. If not he has no business bring there!

@Sparkybloke thank you for your post, very true, i will keep that in mind!