Saying goodbye to our sex life?

[Ladypink35]

I'm at a loss of what to do. For context, I'm in my early twenties. My first sexual experience was pretty negative, the rest followed suit.

I've never been with anyone that's made me climax before. I feel broken. When I'm on my own I can get myself there within a minute.

I dont get the fuss around sex. Majority of my sex life has been all give and no take. No one has ever bothered to invest in my pleasure. Consequently I dont understand the hype. I hate oral. Fingering is okay but gets me no where. Penetration is okay but gets me no where. It's all "nice feeling" but that's about it for me.

So fast forward to now with dp. I am dps first sexual experience. We have a dc together. Sex life has pretty much been non existent since I've been pregnant by choice, but has never picked up. I just hate that our sex life consists of me giving him a blow job or hand job, just for us to have sex, he finishes then I lie there feeling pretty meh about it all. I'm always putting on a show and effort for him. I have to always initiate. His idea of "initiating" is dry humping me or going straight to down there. I've explained to him as a woman I need more stimulation before he jumps the boat. He is at a loss on what to do.

I feel like the major problem is theres no down time. I go straight from being a mum, not feeling my best, to expected to feel sexy and being in the mood. There is no build up, no foreplay. Given there cant be any as dc sleeps with us in the room but still. Dp is always at a loss on what to do in terms of foreplay if it doesnt involve my boobs (I'm bfing) or my downstairs. It's so frustrating having to direct him and tell him what to do. It again leads me back to feeling like he doesnt take initiation. At this point I'm ready to give up. Help!

A Bullet! Best investment ever!

You obviously need to have a serious discussion with your husband if you want things to improve.
If your his first partner then of course he's going to be naive and ill informed as to what to do. Show him how you get yourself off and get him some reading or dvds. There's probably still The Lovers guide out there somewhere.

@Jesskir89 I have one. Does the job everytime. However I'd much prefer if dp could do it instead

@Marineboy67 I do explain to him what I need. But my problem is I dont want to have to spell it out detail to detail for him. I feel like he needs to take the bull by the horns sometimes otherwise our sex life is one sided. Even if it doesnt necessarily work I'd still most likely be turned on just by the effort

He needs to read up on how to make love to a woman. There are LOADS of instructive books and also free advice on various websites.

Why do you hate oral?

@Wearywithteens I couldnt of put it better myself. But I've said exactly all that and the reply I get that is the he has tried (dont know when ) I'm difficult/broken (dont know what basis he is putting that on) and that he is clueless and doesnt know what else to do other than touch my boobs or other area. I'm exasperated. I have alot of stress going on at the moment and the way I see it is that sex is meant to elevate from that... not add to it. Hence why I'm getting more and more put off with everything else that demands hard work I dont want sex to as well. Would rather just take it off the table completely. The problem is we have no wind down time from the moment dc goes to bed to us going to bed. So it's like going from mum mode to instant okay dp has touched me and is clearly instigating sex mode. And I just cant do it. Some me time is great and all, but I need to be worked up for sex.

@Snugglybuggly does nothing for me. There sensation of a hot wet tongue on me makes my insides cringe. Then it's the expectation that every guy that has done this to me is going to blow my mind and rock my world. The constant eye gazing up to check my eyes are rolling back and they're not. I'm just lying there like a fish out of water horribly self conscious of the situation and waiting for it to be over. It's a preference. I dont like it. Does nothing for me. And as I said the added ego boost men get when they do it like they are the pinnacle of sex is so off putting

Use the vibe during sex.

But you are sick of him right now and need some space. It sounds suffocating.

When was the last time he took DC and you had 3 hours out by yourself?

OP, I wouldn't be in hurry to sort out anything right now. You are bfeeding and full of hormones. In future you both would benefit from sex therapy. He is inexperienced and you had negative experience. The way you describe receiving oral sex, esp eye gazing part, just made me think you might have some unresolved issues too. However, i would wait until you are done breastfeeding before addressing anything.

I don't mean to patronise but in your 20s you are really both at the beginning of discovering what you like and how you communicate about eroticism and pleasure. It takes years and years for many people to do this and it evolves over time, with each lover too. I recommend She Comes First a book, for him, and for you to listen to some Esther Perel.

@SoundBar dp does look after dc but it's usually because I need to do errands or go out and do something chore like. Not really his fault I'm not in the mood to hit the town at the moment anyways

@Iwonder08 I wouldnt go as far to say I have unresolved issues. I just dont like that every guy has hyped up giving oral to be life changing for me. They all have the same reaction when I tell them no one can make me climax, like it's a challenge and they want to be the first ones. But obviously it results in a whole lot of nothing and just cringe really on my behalf. I'd prefer not to go to therapy at such a young age over sex. I need therapy for so much right now dont want our sex life to stoop that low. I'm not 23. How mortifying.

Hi @Ladypink35 it sounds like a really frustrating situation to be in but I do think that there are some positives here! As you say, you are both relatively young so have plenty of time to work on this. You know that everything is in good working order as you can both orgasm but the tricky part is you both getting what you need from sex. Your DP is inexperienced, so he probably doesn’t know what is expected or needed, despite you explaining, but if he is willing to listen to you & learn, there could be exciting times ahead for you both.
I would suggest doing some homework.
Search similar threads on here to see what the seasoned pros have advised in the past.
Have another chat with him about making some changes that will make it amazing for both of you.
Try using the bullet but with your DP with you. Put his hand on top of yours to show him what you like and how much pressure is nice etc. Ask him what he likes & ask him to show you.
Would you consider an online workshop? Jenny Keane does an orgasm workshop online (everyone keeps their knickers on, so it’s just education rather than participation! 😳) Apparently the male partners highly recommend it! Her websites is here Orgasm workshops She’s also on Instagram as @hellojennykeane
Another Instagram page to follow is @thesexdoctor who is Dr Karen Gurney. She discusses desire and the build up to sex which shouldn’t be like just turning on a switch. It should build up from small connections made throughout the day - she calls this sexual currency. Her book is called Mind the Gap book
She Comes First is worth a read (by Ian Kerner) & someone else mentioned it here.
Come as you are by Dr Emily Nagoski is a good read but quite scientific! It does make you understand things about yourself & sex though.
Maybe some of these would be better as audiobooks or even podcasts by these people, if you are short on time due to family commitments.
I don’t think it’s too late for you @Ladypink35 to make some changes. I would look at this as something new, that could benefit both of you, if you put some time into it. Talk to DP about needing some support in other aspects too, as this will hopefully give you some headspace to think about your sex life.
Good luck & let us know how things go.

Could it be something as simple as there’s no sexual chemistry between you both?
My ex rocked my world sexually, I’m pretty sure when you have that you know it and all inhibitions go out of the window. I’ve never experienced it since, even with my now DH.

@Rosesareredd interesting point, I've never even considered it. I dont even know what sexual chemistry is anymore. I barely have a sex drive. But I guess when I am in the mood for sex it's more urges charging me on rather than oh I really want to take my partners clothes off if that makes sense. As is in, dont mean to sound horrible, it could most likely be anyone infront of me and I'd still try it because its just a hormonal thing instead of an attraction thing. Now i feel very confused!

What even is sexual chemistry ?

@Ladypink35 - I’m trying to think how to describe it but I’ve always known it when it’s there. It’s like a desire for someone, where you feel very sexually attracted to them, this may not be physical but on a mental level too.
The way I describe it with my ex was a mutual attraction, where I felt extremely attracted to him (physically) and had a huge desire to want to me intimate with him.

I hope that makes sense!

I'm sitting here nodding as the way you describe sex is so like how it was for me for a long time. I barely felt much from fingers, penetration, certainly never orgasmed with a partner. Though I do like oral sex - I just don't come from it, and I don't think I ever will. I got fed up of guys doing it as if I should come within a minute, basically about 4 licks and then prodding with their tongue. But I didn't know what I was aiming for at all, despite the fact I could make myself come really quickly without fail.

I agree with the poster that says, you're breastfeeding and you've got time to make this work, sex therapy could be ideal in the future. But shitty sex for a long time does leave a mark.

How about if for the next six months he can only initiate sex on Tuesdays and Saturdays (or whatever)? You know that you get some space/ nights off for sure, and if you do feel like it on the other days, you initiate.

I really enjoyed a good browse round www.omgyes.com and it helped me experiment more to find a more partner-friendly way to orgasm (though I don't think you need that so much, as you use a bullet). If I could, I'd get your partner to look at it in detail, with the clear understanding that you are not asking for him to learn technique X with the expectation that it will make you come in X minutes. What you're looking for is to open up his mind about women and sex and what could be in your future.