I've been doing some stupid things lately...

[AmayaJ]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've met a few people recently from the internet for sex. That in itself is out of character for me. Sometimes I put myself in stupid situations. Afterwards, I feel bad and regret it. But then I do it all over again.
I know the sex isn't going to be 'loving' but it always feels so rough and I feel like I'm just being used, which I get I am in a way, that's what it's about, that's what I'm agreeing to when we meet, but it's never about my pleasure. It's always about them.
I feel really disgusted with myself and ashamed afterwards.
I don't know what I hope to get out of it. I guess I'm just after attention or to feel wanted. But I know I won't ever feel that so am I punishing myself? Making myself the martyr? 'men only want me for sex'.
I don't know if it's about my ex and trying to create that excitement and danger element that I had with him. But obviously I was safe with him and there wasn't ever any real danger. But with these men it is dangerous. I don't know them. Anything could happen.
What's wrong with me??? 😥
I know the answer is to 'stop doing it'. I get that...

There is nothing wrong with you. We all have the desire to be wanted. Was the break up recent?
You know you are putting yourself at risk. Are the benefits worth it? Have you taken precautions and alerted a trusted person to who is coming round?. If you were to meet the men on a night out would you still feel the same?

OP, I think a lot of people have these periods of seeking affirmation through sex. I did many years ago and I ended up with the same feelings as you. If it’s making you feel crap, stop doing it and try to figure out other ways to feel good about yourself such as developing new skills, new friendships, focus on work. I agree with PP that hooking up with random people can be really dangerous - violence, murder, sexually transmitted infections...

Your using them as much as they are using you .

Do you have bi-polar or bpd?
This doesn’t sound healthy at all.

No, just clearly fucked up...!
I have actually tried having therapy in the past, but find it almost impossible to open up like that in front of someone. The therapist eventually suggested maybe I wasn't ready for therapy!!

I try to fill my time with more meaningful things. I exercise, spend time with friends, do things with my kids. I've tried so hard to sort my life out and be happy since my ex. I have a great life on paper.
But then in the evenings and the weekends I don't have the kids, I get lonely. I miss my ex so much. I miss sex with him. I feel like there is something missing inside of me. So I chat with random guys, we meet up, we fuck. But I'm searching for that feeling that I won't ever get. Because there is only one person that can give me that, only 1 person that knows my body, what I need and he's not coming back!

I feel like a shit Mum, because I don't want to just be a Mum. Feel shit that I can't just be satisfied with that. That I crave the attention of men. My kids should be enough. They should have all my attention. But I go off and fuck strangers, potentially putting my life at risk. How messed up is that, that I would do that to my kids.

You are not a shit mum you are a human being.
It's hard feeling like something is missing and the person who gave you that is gone but you will move in from that in time . I myself have done the whole shag random men thing but like me you are using them as much as they are using you. They want sex and you need the feeling of being wanted ,that you are worth somebody's time.
Take some time for yourself, delete all apps and platforms you are using to meet these men and be kind to yourself.

You are allowed to separate being a mum and sexual desires. You haven't fucked up. Your hurting from a relationship break down. It takes time to heal. I'm 4 years down that line now and it's all normal. I have just read a book called get divorced be happy. It talks all the emotions. Please don't feel down on yourself.

How old are you?

You're not fucked up in an evil way
You sound a great mum. Totally there for your kids when they're with you.
Your ex knew your body and you're allowed to be sad you might not get that experience ever again.
You seem to have met some dismal guys online. I have too but also by far more some lovely ones. Totally wanting NSA but apart from that very into pleasing as much as enjoying.
I'm like you in that trying to learn to love myself and not need men stage. But occasionally going oh sod it and going online. I refuse to make moral judgments about myself.
Hugs. I have faith it will get better for us both.

Thank you for your replies and supportive words
I've been feeling really down the past few weeks so I know this all reads like a pity party! I will try hard to stop being so miserable 🙃 x