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Men - do you have to be attracted to a woman to dtd

20 replies

Greenpictureframe · 23/07/2021 22:57

As the title really, can you have sex with a woman you don't find attractive? I feel like I couldn't have sex with someone without an attraction, but I feel my partner can and maybe does with me. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just available when he's horny and that's that. I know not everyone is the same but was looking for a rough guide. I don't know whether it's just in my head or if some men really can just get through it with anyone for the orgasm at the end. Thanks.

OP posts:
thumpingrug · 23/07/2021 22:59

No, there would have to be some attraction. Physical, spiritual or intellectual, but some sort of connection is vital. It might only be temporary or in the moment but an attraction has to exist.

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/07/2021 23:19

There has to be some kind of attraction.

BasicDad · 23/07/2021 23:32

Could I dtd if I didn't find someone attractive? It's possible. If I were a sociopath.

Most people need to be attracted. But what constitutes attraction is wide and varied.

j712adrian · 23/07/2021 23:38


Greenpictureframe · 23/07/2021 23:59

Thank you, that's really helpful. I'm very grateful for the replies. I really don't know why I'm feeling like this. Thanks again.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 24/07/2021 06:29

No, but attraction isn’t just physical, it’s about how people think and act and behaviour, like minded people tend to gravitate towards each other.
You find some love island boy / girl very physically attractive, but they have the personality of a sponge,

TVR7 · 24/07/2021 08:08

I have to have physical attraction. I don’t necessarily need anything other that that.

I do have a couple of friends who would sleep with anyone though chasing the end result.

SparklingStars10 · 24/07/2021 09:04

I have to be attracted to them yes. When I’ve had a one night stand it’s pretty much attraction and lust. Longer term there needs to be attraction but a connection on other levels too.

ordinaryman · 24/07/2021 17:07

There has to be attraction.

Danceswithwhippets · 24/07/2021 18:57

There are different meanings to "attractive".
If you mean only physical, then no there are lots of other sorts of attractive. A sexy smile. A witty joke. If a woman makes it known that she finds you attractive.
Mind you, when younger, beer goggles at closing time made every woman attractive.

Greenpictureframe · 24/07/2021 20:35

Thanks for the new comments. All very appreciated. We've been together years and have children together. Lately I've felt very down and keep thinking that he just isn't attracted anymore, I feel sex is just happening because he's horny rather and I'm here rather than he wants me in particular. He has become a bit selfish and I now feel almost used after intimacy. He's acknowledged that he doesn't do much and that he has felt bad but doesn't seem to want to fix it and I was starting to think it was because that attraction was just gone for him. I'm glad the general consensus is that attraction has to be there in some form, I can work with that and hopefully get these thoughts out of my head. Thanks 😊

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 26/07/2021 09:13

@Greenpictureframe - How long have you been together? A satisfying sex life doesn't just happen - particularly if you've been together say more than a decade - you have to work at it.

What is it about the way he does things that makes you feel that way? Does he spend any time on you, and making sure you are satisfied, or is it all about him?

It seems like you have broached the subject, but it doesn't sound like he's doing anything about it - don't let him off the hook! He needs to realise that there are two of you in the bedroom (or wherever!)

Greenpictureframe · 26/07/2021 13:06

About 18years, was on and off in the beginning though as we were young. We've been friends for longer but have our children who are 12, 9 and 5. It's like he only touches me if he has to. He loves blowjobs which I'm happy to give obviously but it's very rare he returns it, hes happy to he played with, say watching a movie or whatever but he won't touch me, I even backed off a bit to see if he'd Start anything himself and he straight away mention that i hadn't touched him, if he's horny he'll play with himself and ask me to take over rather than actually touch me. Sex is one sided completely. We rarely have sex anymore in a position where we actually look at each other. No he spends very little to no time on me, and once he comes that's it, nothing else. For want of a better phrase and I hate saying it but sometimes I feel like I'm an available hole to fill rather than an actual person who he wants to be with. I'm glad people here have said that there has to attraction as at least that's made me feel a bit better. Yes he does talk about it, he knows he doesn't put the effort in that I do and has said he feels bad about that but doesn't really change anything. I still find him attractive, he still makes me smile and I love talking to him and we enjoy lots of the same things so always have lots to talk about etc even all these years later, I just don't feel he thinks the same. He has cheated before, a lot, when I'd had our youngest and had quite severe pnd but we've worked hard to put that behind us as much as we can (I'm still on medication, it was very bad and I nearly didn't come out of it, his cheating made things a lot more difficult when I was ill as he became quite nasty to me and flaunted it a lot). But I don't think he's cheating now and hasn't since then but it may affect how i see things maybe?

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 26/07/2021 15:39

@Greenpictureframe - that's tough. Flowers

It does sound very much like he is all me, me, me. It's not great that he's cheated on you previously, and has been nasty to you (sounds like a real catch! Sad)

If he knows he isn't putting the effort in, and hasn't changed, do you think he ever will?

He doesn't want to have sex with you in a position that he can look at you? Sorry sweetie, but that's really not good news. I'm willing to bet he fantasises over someone else... Sorry hon- hugs and more Flowers

He starts masturbating and gets you to take over? Oh dear...

Here's the thing - you are absolutely not a piece of meat, or a living sex toy. You have needs and wants, just like him, and if he doesn't see that, or appreciate you for what you are, maybe it's time to leave.

You could consider couples / sex therapy, but you both have to want things to work, and I'm not sure he does - after all, he's getting everything he wants (I bet he doesn't help out much around the house!)

Maybe start by saying no sex until he pays you some attention, and I don't necessarily mean sexually, but maybe just pays you a compliment, or take you out for a meal, or just talk to you like a human being!

You have a tough time ahead if you really want to stay with him, but ask yourself if life could be better.

LipstickOnYourCollar5 · 26/07/2021 16:58

@Greenpictureframe - Reading your most recent thread. He’s cheated (a lot!) and he is selfish in bed.

There are men who don’t cheat and will treat you like a queen in bed. Only you know if this is something you can continue with.
Good luck whatever you decide!

Greenpictureframe · 07/08/2021 17:59

Thank you everyone especially @AverageGuy and @LipstickOnYourCollar5 you definitely gave me a lot to think about. This is so much bigger than just sex and attraction, I think I knew that but chose to focus on something I thought I could easy fix. I don't want to be like this forever I'm only in my late thirties and hopefully have a good few years left! I've only got a few weeks to get through then he's away with work for 3 months and I'm gonna start working on myself and deciding exactly what I want for myself and how to feel better and start a life without him. (Me without him obviously, not the kids they will always have him, he's a great dad now). Thanks for helping me see that this isn't right.

OP posts:
isitsummertimeyet · 12/08/2021 01:24

physical attraction is needed or the magic in the wand isnt gonna work.

it could work if your attracted to their personality too i guess but if both of those are missing why would you even want too

sunnyzweibrucken · 14/09/2021 01:58

My ex could have sex with a tree, but he was always horny. Most of the men I know has to be somewhat attracted to the other person.

Tossblanket · 14/09/2021 11:44

There needs to be something there.

At least a decent set of clean teeth and I'm good to go 😂

JustSaying71 · 15/09/2021 13:08

It is possible, obviously - people do. And I did when I was younger. But basically the sex just isn't that good - how can it be? - and becomes instrumental, just a case of getting to orgasm.. Over time it produces self loathing.

I was thinking the other day of the all the people I have ever had sex with: not that many, around 20. I was attracted to most of the women, but only with 3 it was absolute dynamite with, that complete chemistry - including current, probably life-long, partner!

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